coming back

Tonight I picked up Siobhan and JoAnna and we went to a taco place, and Siobhan ate, and a bunch of guys came, Matt and Amo and Steve and Charlie and some other people, and we all hung out for a while, and then Siobhan and Jo and me went to Starbucks (after a huge argument with Steve about chain corporations and local businesses) where we all used to go six months ago when things were still real.
It's been so long since it was us, Siobhan, Jo, and me, but nothing's changed. We've all changed incredibly, but us, together... we're still the same. Since September and October when we spent nearly every weekend driving around and filming movies at Friendlies, drinking hot chocolate at Perkins and shooting spitwads at Starbucks where we knew the names of hte people that worked there, so much has happened to me. In September and October I was cutting and throwing up and taking laxatives and stuff, but I hadn't lost everything yet. After October, I totally withdrew from all my friends, spent all my time locked in my head except maybe at debate, and was just generally trapped within myself. Only in the past few weeks have I begun to try to reconnect with my friends from six months ago.
I thought maybe they'd be gone. And they've changed this year, sure, but just like last week with Shauna, it doesn't matter that we've changed, we can still sit there and things are the same.
It was such a relief today at Starbucks with Siobhan and Jo, because I realized, there's still room for me in my life. And that was what I was so afraid of, that I had somehow slipped away from everything, that there wasn't room for me anymore in my life. I remember last May, watching my friends and suddenly crying because I knew I wasn't there, I was shut out. But there's room for me again.
In the silence and white from the snow outside the windows at Starbucks, I felt safe, and I knew that it's okay, nothing's changed, we still exist, together. I still have friends, and they're glad I'm back.
Siobhan said she may have to have back surgery and have a metal rod put in her back and be in bed all summer long. She has scoliosis and had a back brace for several years, but apparently it won't be effective now that she's quit growing, but her back is still twisted. And that sucks of course. But I said, "It's okay, we'll still roll you around town, and drive off cliffs and make movies at Friendly's and do puppet shows for you. We'll do what we always do... we'll still have fun." And I looked at JoAnna and at Siobhan, and I knew, we all knew, that we could make it fun, the surgery, the bed-riddance... we could make anything fun as long as we were together.

I'm back in the real world. I didn't think I missed it but I guess I did.