Random poem about physical abuse:

The print of your hand
was a lake on my cheek,
frozen over at the edges but not in the middle.

"This is life," you said.
We stood alone on a landscape of white light.

NO.

This is sanity barricading itself
in a monochrome apartment.
This is clarity struggling to hold off
a technicolor blur.
This is the final battle of reality and chaos,
one small building on a brittle tundra.

This is not life.

**
and... an angry poem I wrote to Matt:

your hands were enough
to send me- cut out- a photograph
of me at two
into the sky in the absence
of light

two weeks of numbness
one week of pain
an eternity of anger
can i hate you?
can i hate you for saying it-
saying it all-
it's all about the past and the way
your heart spins around,
a figure eight on a carousel?

it's not enough.

you are the scissors
cutting through the thick paper
of my life.
you knew better.
you knew better in the dark that night.
i was motionless,
frozen,
melted icicle stuck to vinyl in summer heat.

i can only keep asking myself
what do they think?
the men in the guillitines.
what do they think
right before the blade falls
when the sky is all around
and pale down their throat?

You know what's funny? Having tennis lessons when you've slept six hours in the past sixty (literally, I'm not exaggerating) hours. Wow. I actually did remarkably well considering the ball was moving too fast for my exhausted eyes to really discern it, so it became this green smudge in the air. I just didn't feel any motivation to move. I was playing with this girl at the end, and she cut a shot so it would have landed a few feet past the net and died. You have to run for those as soon as you see someone cut it. Also, in tennis you cannot tell usually if something is going to go over the net if it's close when you're on the other side. So if someone serves and it hits the net, your body reacts, and you move to get ready for the shot even though it doesn't go over. So today when that girl cut the shot my body should have reacted, because I knew I had to get to it. But I just sort of stood there in fascination that my body was not having any reaction at all and was in fact just standing there watching this ball. Which never happens to me in tennis, because believe or not I do have good reflexes.
Good thing it hit the net or my coach would have been annoyed.
Anyway, I only fell down a few stairs today. But my knee hurts from all the times I whacked it with the tennis racket (also something I don't usually do).

This needs to be brief, as sleep has become a commodity in my life that I cannot afford anymore. I got three hours of sleep last night, and will probably get about the same tonight. I can function okay on it, but it's really hard to wake up in the morning. That first hour I'm so dead to the world. Which means I sleep through my church class. Which is not good or respectful.
Outline of current events:
1. I hate those word recognition things because they make them so hard to discern. The letters blur into each other and it's hard to tell what letter's what, so it doesn't seem like it would help identify if no one can read them accurately. That's not really a current event but...
2. I've been talking to Shauna a lot. She wrote me a letter. She's such an amazing person... I wish everyone on the earth could know her. She's really mad at Matt and so am I, so we talked about it a lot.
3. Matt wrote me a letter saying he still cares and loves me blah blah blah. Shauna told me he somehow found out I know about what happened, so I keep waiting and expecting him to bring it up, to face it. Then I realized that would mean him not being a coward for once and caring about someone other than himself, which I am not sure is realistic to expect of him lately.
4. I wrote him a letter which I will give him tomorrow forcing him to confront the issue. I told him how mad I am and how hurt I was towards the end of our relationship and how he was using me and I feel like an object etc. It's a very honest letter and I feel better having written it.
5. I have decided to perhaps go out with one of Matt's best friends. I don't want to do this if it's immoral, but I think that at this point it is okay, and if it hurts Matt then that's just rather stupid because he keeps going after my good friends. It's not about revenge. I really like this kid. I've been thinking about him a long time but I am just beginning to make a decision. Plus I won't try to hide it from Matt.
6. School has become insane. My English grade is now floundering somewhere in Hell (yes, it has dropped that low). By that I mean I have no clue what I have because our teacher NEVER passes back assignments so we really can't control our grades and we feel helpless and I could rant about that for a while but I won't. But I have been doing badly on all of these reading quizes, because they are detailed almost to the extent of being ridiculous (like 'what was the third word of the sixth line of the second paragraph on page 20?'- not quite that bad but akin to that). I have to somehow redeem it. I will write an extra credit essay on Walden but I'm not sure how many points that will buy me. My last extra credit essay, on Middlesex, I slaved away on (okay a bit of an exaggeration) and he only gave me a measley nine points.
7. I have a 92% in money management, which is dangerously close to a B and would be a B in most of my classes. How pathetic is that? It's a vocational. It's supposed to be so easy. But it's freaking hard! I actually have to pay attention or I get screwed over. I feel deprived of a study hall. And I know absolutely nothing about banking and taxes and everything we've been studying, paychecks and W2's and W4's (well I know about that stuff now that we've learned it, but I didn't) because I am somehow incredibly naive about money matters. AHH it sucks.
8. So I work harder. I stay up until 3 in the morning every night studying and doing homework. I am not, after two years of hard work, going to let my valadictorian opportunity fall because of money management and some stupid English quizzes.

9. COLLEGE... Been thinking about it, talking about it... it's kind of this frightening thing looming in the future that I struggle to ignore. I think it will be nice getting out of this house, and I think my relationship with my parents will improve. But as to living on my own with my own finances and my own life... when I don't even know what payroll taxes are (or I didn't) how am I going to survive?

winner

I have apparently won 900,000 something pounds on the UK online lottery. Funny how I don't remember entering that and certainly don't live in the UK.

How do these people get my email address?

But 900,000 pounds is a TON of money... I wish it was true.

I have decided that there are times when I HATE bowling. I will explain momentarily. Anyway we (all my family- grandma, two uncles, cousin, an aunt, parents) all went bowling today. Part of the reason I don't like bowling is that I SUCK at it- I got 103, 103, and then was at 103 in the eigth frame when they shut it off becuase it was 8:30.

Scenarios that explain why I hate bowling:
1. You're doing horribly. You've been getting gutterballs like every turn. You just get another obvious gutterball.
Family member: OH! Nice try! That was really close!
Like you really need being reminded that you threw another gutterball, it was definitely not a nice try, and it went in the gutter about ten feet down the lane?
2. You're doing horrible, same as above, and throw another gutterball.
Entire family at once: You're curving your hand! Try throwing it slower. Try throwing it harder. Try throwing it faster. Here, come here and I'll show you how you should stand. Line it up with the arrows. No, you're still turning your hand! This is what I do... etc. etc. etc.
bad thing about bowling: you can never see what you're doing wrong, and everyone always tells everyone else what they're doing wrong and how they should fix it. And continues to tell you this after every bad throw. And will not shut up.
3. It's the tenth frame and you have a grand total of 20, whereas the entire family besides you has over 100.
Family: You've just had a bad game (no I haven't I just suck will you admit it please?). I didn't really do much better than you (what, 80 points isn't "much" in a game where the total is 300?). You just had hard luck or a bad ball (yeah, although the rest of you did fine with your crappy balls and don't seem to be suffering from this "bad luck" thing).
4. You just get nine pins down on your second turn after throwing gutterballs the last three frames.
Family: *screaming, whistling, cheering so loudly the entire bowling alley looks over and sees you scored nine and wonders what's so wonderful about that*
5. You get nine on your first turn and then miss a spare by a few centimeters.
Family: Oh, that was so close! I really thought you had it! You got robbed! (Thank you, I really needed someone to remind me how close it was, and tell me that they thought I did better than I actually did).
6. Your aunt hits a few pins on the side.
Aunt: Man, I was just a few inches off, I hit it dead on and I should have hit it on the side.
You: Actually, it really looked like you hit it on the side and should have hit it dead on.
Aunt: No, I hit it on the side.
Mother: *glares, calls you over* stop being such a brat.
7. Your grandmother's bowling ball looks a little like one of the people next to you's balls.
Grandmother (to nine year old at closest lane): I think you have my ball.
Kid: No, I really think this is my ball.
Grandmother: No, my ball is gone. You definitely have it.
Kid: This is the ball I've been using all along!
Grandmother: Let me see it.
Kid: It's my ball I swear.
Grandmother: LET ME SEE IT!
*kid hands over ball*
Grandmother: Oh, sorry. I guess it is your ball.
(This happens every time it's Grandma's turn during the three games you play).

I hate bowling when I'm doing really badly (which I wasn't tonight, at least comparatively, as I got 2nd place out of 7 twice and then 1st) because it's just not fun anymore. Last June I went with my boyfriend and a few friends, and I think I got 70 and everyone else had over 100. It was miserable.

I hate bowling becuase I feel so angry and bitter towards people that are doing really well when I'm not. I hate how cheerful they are when they give you advice.

I hate bowling most of all because it brings out this angry part of me, this part of me that is really happy when someone throws a gutterball who has been doing well. I hate feeling like that. I hate the resentment I feel. It's the most angry, miserable feeling in the world.

I like bowling with my dad, because none of those bitter feelings come. We can just have fun. And I like bowling with my brother for the same reason. And I like bowling alone.

That's it.

I was reading this article and I asked my mom what our church thought about it and she said that our church is against promoting condoms to stop AIDS too. She said our church doesn't believe if a kid has AIDS it's their fault or anything, but she said our church "has absolute standards."
I said, "How can it ever be okay to just let people die when you could do something about it?" and she said, "Becuase sinners have to suffer the natural consequences."
"What if someone gets it through intravenous drugs and then stops using drugs but has AIDS or HIV and wants to get married? Is it okay then?"
"No," my mom said, "the bible says it's better that one sinner die than to compromise absolute standards."

WTF???!!!!!!!!! I can't agree with that. I CAN NOT! People that are gay, even if I grant my church's view that it's wrong, and don't realize it's a sin (although I don't believe it is) do NOT deserve to die! If there is any way we can prevent the deaths of (what I believe are) innocent people, then we should. How can promoting life EVER be a bad thing?

I'm really pissed off at the moment. Even if I believe everything else about my religion, I can NEVER believe that. EVER.

How can anybody believe that?

So we just had this conversation, and I said I could not believe that, and my mom said, "Well then you choose to not be LDS!"

Mormanism is supposed to be perfect in every aspect. I believe 99% of it. How can I ever believe those things though, that gay people are evil, that they should face the consequences of their sins and die? That we shouldn't try to stop AIDS with condoms because it's promoting permiscuity?

It's the first time in my life that I have ever told my parents I don't agree with our religion. I feel really weird.

thank you

I suppose Thanksgiving was over three minutes ago, but I need to say thank you still.

To the two people that changed my life (and who hopefully know who they are):

Once upon a time I hated myself.
Thank you.

Once upon a time I thought that love didn't exist, and people only hurt each other.
Thank you.

Once upon a time I thought that life was inherently horrible, and that suffering was perpetual.
Thank you.

Once upon a time I didn't trust anyone because I was so afraid of getting hurt.
Thank you.

Once upon a time I thought that I didn't deserve to be loved.
Thank you.

Once upon a time I was constantly afraid, of everything.
Thank you.

Once upon a time nobody ever took care of me the way they should have.
Thank you.

Once upon a time everyone I had ever loved had left me.
Thank you.

Once upon a time I didn't think anyone would ever understand me, or try to.
Thank you.

Once upon a time I thought that I would be alone forever.
Thank you.

Once upon a time I spent all my time floating a few feet above my body, and I didn't feel anything, not happy or sad or pain or anything.
Thank you.

Once upon a time I thought it was better to be numb and never feel because the pain wasn't worth it.
Thank you.

Once upon a time I thought that I was born to be hurt.
Thank you.

Once upon a time I thought that I should just die because nobody cared about me and all I ever did was hurt and destroy people.
Thank you.

Once upon a time I thought that everything everyone did to me was my fault.
Thank you.

Once upon a time I felt like there was no hope for me.
Thank you.

Once upon a time I didn't let people touch me.
Thank you.

Once upon a time I used to cry myself to sleep every single night.
Thank you.

Once upon a time I used to jump off the roof because I thought that people might notice me if I had a broken arm and ask me how I was doing.
Thank you.

Once upon a time I believed there were no good people in the world.
Thank you.

And then I met you.

He who is capable of thinking a little more deeply will soon perceive that human desires cannot begin to be sinful simply at that point at which, in their chance encounters with one another, they occasion harm and evil; but that, if this is what they bring about, they must be originally and in their essence sinful and reprehensible, and the entire will to live itself reprehensible. All the cruelty and torment of which the world is full is in fact merely the necessary result of the totality of the forms under which the will to live is objectified, and thus merely a commentary on the affirmation of the will to live. That our existence itself implies guilt is proved by the fact of death.

That's from the Schopenhauer book I'm reading. I just wanted to post it because I think it's really contraversial. In fact, I don't really agree with much of what Schopenhauer is saying (anothing Kant worshipper... jeesh), but I think it's an interesting take on reality. He says that because humans seek a greater degree of pleasure, they are also in actuality seeking a greater degree of pain. I do agree with him when he says utopias are impossible, becuase if there was no pain and only pleasure men would go mad and kill themselves (ruining the utopia), but I don't agree with... well, the rest.

About this passage though... I don't agree with it. I think that suffering isn't something we create from the will to live. Maybe it comes with the will to live, but I don't think it's created by it. And I don't think the will to live is, in itself, corrupted and flawed.

Thoreau

This is rather random, but I just finished Walden, and although there are some boring parts, for the most part I thought the book was fascinating... it was more about the philosophies of transcendentalism than a pond, and I think the most fascinating thing of all was that he wasn't really using the pond as a metaphor of life... he was using life as a metaphor of the pond.

So there's some really good stuff in it... here's all the quotes that I wrote down that really made me think:

I never dreamed of any enormity greater than I have committed. I never know, and shall never know, a worse man than myself.

Not until we are lost, in other words, not till we have lost the world, do we begin to find ourselves, and realize where we are and the infinite extent of our relations.

The universe is wider than our views of it. ...there are continents and seas in the moral world, to which every man is an isthmus or an inlet, yet unexplored by him, but... it is easier to sail many thousand miles through cold and storm and cannibals... than it is to explore the private sea, the Atlantic and Pacific Ocean of one's being alone.

A voice said to him- Why do you stay here and live this mean moiling life, when a glorious existence is possible for you? Those same stars twinkle over fields other than these.- But how to come out of this condition and actually migrate thither? All that he could think of was to practise some new austerity, to let his mind descend into his body and redeem it, and treat himself with ever increasing respect.

We should be blessed if we lived int he present always, and took advantage of every accident that befell us...; and did not spend our time attoning for the neglect of past opportunities, which we call doing our duty. We loiter in winter while it is already spring. ...Through our own recovered innocence we discern the innocence of our neighbors.

If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them.

While England endeavors to cure the potato-rot, will not any endeavor to cure the brain-rot, which prevails so much more widely and fatally?

If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measure or far away.

Things do not change; we change.

No face which we can give to a matter will stead us so well at last as the truth. This alone wears well. For the most part, we are not where we are, but in a false position. Through an infirmity of our natures, we suppose a case, and put ourselves into it, and hence are in two cases at the same time, and it is doubly difficult to get out. In sane moments we regard only the facts, the case that is. ...However mean your life is, meet it and live it; do not shun it and call it hard names. It is not so bad as you are. It looks poorest when you are richest. The fault-finder will find faults even in paradise. Love your life, poor as it is.

Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth.

So, I don't really agree with what he says about how superfluous everything is, and that we really don't need houses or clothing or anything, and that we should simplify simplify simplify, but there is a lot in that book that makes a lot of sense. The conclusion was AWESOME. I think Thoreau was a bit crazy to isolate himself in some cabin (I would have been scared to death on winter nights), but I think he truly wanted to know himself, and I admire what he did, and the way he looked at the world and tried to find the meaning in everything, and tried to make so many analogies. I would have liked to know him... he seems introverted perhaps, but I think that he really understood human nature (even if I think he was off the mark on some things).

So... yeah, think about those quotes... they make you consider yourself in a different light.

Now I'm on to reading this new philosopher... I can't remember his name (sad).

-Would you rather find trUe love or $1 million? true love definitely... "i don't care too much for money, money can't buy me love"
-Would you always have to say everthing on your mind or never speak again? say everything on my mind. it would be hard, i'd probably hurt a lot of people, but i think people should be more honest. i don't think i could bear the isolation of never speaking again.
-Would you rther be gossiped about or never talked about @ all!? i'd rather be gossipped about... it would mean i'd made some sort of impact, no matter how insignificant, on the world.
-Would you rather have stars in your eyes or eyes on the back if your head? i don't really get this question... what do they mean "stars in your eyes"? I guess eyes on the back of my head would be okay (well they'd be horrible but still) if my hair covered them and such.
-Would you rather have x-ray vision or bionic hearing? x-ray vision... there's some things i don't think i should hear.
-would you rather be able to hear ne convo or take back ne thing you say? take back anything i say... sometimes (a lot of times) i say things without thinking them through the way i'd like to, and i don't really mean what i say.
-would you rather end hunger or hatred? hatred. i think it's more devastating. maybe if people had more love for each other they could share something like food. plus i'd rather die of hunger than live somewhere that emanated hatred.
-rather publish your diary or make a movie about your most embarassing moment? definitely publish my diary. maybe i could use a pen name. plus i do plan on publishing it someday with a pen name... or maybe without one depending on how brave i am.
-rather b caught singing in the miror or spying on your crush? well, everyone does both, but probably singing in the mirror because doing something embarrassing in front of a crush tends to be more embarrassing than being caught doing something embarrassing by anyone else.
-rather be a dog named killer or a cat named fluffy? umm... fluffy i suppose. cats seem so confident and sure of themselves. maybe i could learn something from them.
-rather give up movies or music? movies definitely... music is life!
-rather be stranded on a desert island alonde or w/ someone u hate? with someone i hate. total isolation would suck (unless i could get a relationship going with a volleyball), whereas i have in the past actually developed good relationships with people i'd previously hated.
-rather get even or get over it? get over it definitely. revenge just causes more hate.
-rather always lose or never play? always lose... i'm finally beginning to realize that real failure is in not trying, not in losing. it's a good thing i figured that out in time for debate this year, as my records are not stellar.
-rather b forced to lie to your best bud or tell the truth to your parents? tell the truth to my parents... although it would really suck, i think that i'd rather face the immediate consequences from telling the truth than the longer, more detrimental consequences from telling a lie, especially to a close friend.
-rather know it all or have it all? know it all definitely. there's more satisfaction for me in knowing than in having. otherwise i may not spend all my money on books.
-rather get 1st dibs or last laugh? 1st dibs. i'm not sure about this whole 'last laugh' thing. it doesn't really sound healthy to need it.
-rather give bad advice or take it? take it... i'd rather someone screwed me up than i screwed someone up any day
-rather have sand in your shorts or water in your ear? sand in my shorts... it's easier to get out i think. both are very annoying though.
-rather forget your sunscreen or your snglasses? sunscreen. i've had way too many experiences lately of all my skin peeling off and me looking like a tomato.
-rather kiss a jellyfish or step on a crab? depends on where i had to kiss the jellyfish. if it was on the top of it, i'd rather do that. if it was a tentacle, i'd rather step on the crab. plus, jellyfish (having been stung many times before) are just plain creepy and painful. i've never been hurt by a crab (although they scare me too).
-rather own a ski lodge or a surf camp? ski lodge definitely. surfing's fun, but i suck at it, and i've been skiing since i was two, and own all the equipment. but i do want to learn to surf better someday.
-rather forget who u r or who everyone else was? i think who everyone else was. because if you forget who you are, but not everyone else, you have to rebuild your identity on what other people think and know about you, which means you're never really yourself again, but if you forget who other people are, you can relearn that without any real damage... although both would really suck.
-rather have 1 wish granted today or 3 10 yrs from now? three ten years from now. i like delayed gratification. it's something to look forward to.
-rather have 1 song playing in your head forever or have to say "like" before every sentevce? hmm... that's a hard one. the song thing would get really annoying to me, but hte like thing would get really annoying to everyone else and make everyone else think i was an idiot... i'm actually not sure on that one. probably say "like" because the song would drive me insane, which is no fun.
-rather give up your computer or your pet? AAHH horrible question... umm... i'd say my pet, because i can go to the library to do computer stuff, but there's really no way to get rid of my pet and still have her with me.
-rather be the sand castel or the wave? the wave. more power. more control.
-rather overthrow a dictatorship or lead one? overthrow definitely... dictatorships are not good as long as people are corrupted by power.
-rather write the worst book in history or record the worst song? the worst song. it's less of an accomplishment in my opinion to write a song than a book. so i'd rather the book was a success and the song sucked.
-rather get free chocolate for 1 yr or free patatoes forever? i don't know. i think potatoes just because i'd get fat eating all that chocolate.

http://www.expage.com/page/true22

more sure signs of my geekiness

So today was the science olympiad competition.
This will be my new motto: "I failed the science olympiad astronomy test and all I got was a crappy NASA sticker."
:-) although the sticker looks good on my calculator.
ANYWAY... as you can tell the test did not go well. I got 10th out of 32, but I got really messed up because it was mostly astrophysics, and using spectrometer parallax to find the distance to stars doesn't work when you can't figure out how to apply the formula. I knew it was (M-m)log5^d-10 or something, and I could figure out m (the apparent magnitude), but for the life of me I couldn't figure out how to use my Hertsprung-Russell Diagram to find the absolute magnitude so I could compute the log. I didn't really prepare well enough on the math stuff, I was mainly memorizing random white dwarfs and supernovas in the universe, so it sucked. And my wonderful, dependable partner dropped out this week for no apparent reason, so I was one of the very few people taking the test alone.
Needless to say I am actually pretty impressed with myself for getting 10th. When the question is "If the Sun suddenly turned into a blackhole of equal mass, how would it affect earth's orbit and how long would it take people on Earth to notice the change?" and you write (for lack of anything more insightful) "it would warp the orbit and the people would notice pretty soon because they'd all get sucked in and die." Which obviously included the exact measurements of time and orbit warp they wanted.
WELL... we'll just forget about the whole horrid ideal. Next year I may break down and actually study.

So I was stuck at MSU with nothing to do from 9-1 and 2-3, because I wasn't double entered like most kids were. I kind of overdosed on Thoreau's bean fields so I wandered down to the bookstore. I went to the philosophy section. I found some book by Nietzsche (Midnight of the Idols or something) and just sat in the bookstore reading it for two and a half hours. It was really entertaining. I didn't really agree with what he was saying, but he said Socrates was an erotic, crazed man who deluded the world with dialectualism and only had influence because he was an ugly tyrant. That made me smile. And then he went on this long rant about Kant, that was fun. The only person he didn't degrade was Heraclitus, and Democritus to some extent. He was saying that philosophy is slowly leading people away from the truth instead of towards it (of course this is all Socrates's fault) and that God is the culmination of all of our delusions. He had this list that carefully spelled out how people managed to get all deluded.
Yeah, well, I don't really agree with what he was saying in those essay things, but it was entertaining.
Anyway, Susan and Katie found me in a corner of the bookstore surrounded in astrophysics and philosophy books laughing at Nietzsche. They asked me what I was reading and when I told them they sort of stared at all the books around me and stared at me.

I couldn't help but smile inwardly. Imagine how much of a geek I must look, there at science olympiad taking an astrophysics test reading Nietzsche in my spare time.

EDIT: (10:00 p.m.) now do I win the award for the geekiest day ever? Because after all of that, I just spent two and a half hours playing Final Fantasy X (go blitzball!). I'd say that's the cherry on the cake. ;-)

I'm slipping away on this iceburg of emptiness... no food sounds so perfect. I don't know how to fight anymore.

I've been trying to help my friend. She just broke up with her boyfriend. He calls every ten minutes and tells her he's going to kill himself and it will be her fault. He drinks in front of her and says it's because she left him. He won't leave her alone and it's killing her. She can't just let go of someone... she's lived her life to make people happy and she's forgotten herself. She says she knows it's not her fault, but in his mind it is, and she can't just let him fall apart.

I tell her, "How can you hold him together?" He tells her if she goes out with him he'll quit drinking. I say, "He has to do it for himself. You can't fix him."

She looks so sad.

She has a new boyfriend, one who respects her and loves her and would never hurt her or harrass her like that. And she can't enjoy it because everytime they're together her x-boyfriend talks.

Why can't I protect her? I want to kill this kid. I realize he's angry and hurting. But he doesn't have to hurt someone I love. It won't fix things. She may go back to him (I'm praying she won't) but she'll never love him the way he thinks he needs her to.

No wonder we keep our eyes closed to reality. If we were to keep them open, how could we ever handle that much pain without losing all sanity? With our eyes open, everything is disintegrated. Closing them is the only way we have to hold things together.

WHAT IS TRUTH?

Truth is elitist... but then if no one believed in themselves, if no one thought they were right, what kind of a loose, unconstant world would we live in?

WHY DO YOU HURT PEOPLE? When you're angry, when you're hurt, when you're sad... you resent the people that hurt you.. so you hurt others. Don't you see what you're doing? Don't you see the chain you're weaving? Don't you see how unstoppable and horrible it is? How can you take someone as innocent as you were and give them the tools to do this to someone else someday?

I want people to understand what they're doing... if they understood, maybe they would stop.

If everytime I punched someone I felt it myself, then people would probably stop hurting each other.

I'm angry at the world at the moment. For not caring. For not caring about any of its inhabitants.

One of my favorite books is I Was a Teenage Fairy by Francessca Lia Block, which is about a girl that was sexually abused and creates her own sort of imaginary friend to deal with the pain, and how she ends up fighting it and standing up for the people that are getting hurt. But there is this part of the book that I love:

"Suddenly Mab understood.... [The world] really was an uglier place than she would have liked to believe. It had no respect for its smallest and most delicate members. It would let them starve like children in the back pages with pot bellies and empty-soup-pot eyes; it would let them be touched in ways that no one should be touched, and broken like wishbones and tossed in the trash."

So that quote kind of echoes how I am feeling at the moment.

Shea I must admit I stole this from you:

Name:	Lindsay
Birthdate:	05-21-89
Birthplace:	Berkeley CA
Current Location:	Montana
Eye Color:	brown (but turning more hazel with time)
Hair Color:	brown
Height:	5"2'
Weight:	111
Piercings:	ears
Tatoos:	nope
Boyfriend/Girlfriend:	sort of boyfriend... not anything really binding though
Overused Phraze:	umm... I don't know... some days I just notice I'm repeating something a lot
FAVORITES
Food:	smoothies probably
Candy:	100 grand
Number:	77
Color:	yellow
Animal:	those things with big eyes... lemurs or bushbabies or something
Drink:	smoothies
Alcohol Drink:	all I've had is vodka... I liked it though
Bagel:	blueberry
Letter:	L
Body Part on Opposite sex:	eyes
This or That
Pepsi or Coke:	coke I guess, but diet pepsi is better
McDonalds or BurgerKing:	both are gross... if I had to pick I'd say McDonalds
Strawberry or Watermelon:	watermelon
Hot tea or Ice tea:	don't know, I've never had tea
Chocolate or Vanilla	vanilla
Hot Chocolate or Coffee:	coffee... but I can't drink it
Kiss or Hug:	hugs are nice, but I haven't been kissed in two and a half months, so that would be cool too
Dog or Cat:	depends on my mood. I love both
Rap or Punk:	punk (rap=crap)
Summer or Winter:	summer... no school. but i like Christmas vacation
Scary Movies or Funny Movies:	again, depends, I really like both
Love or Money:	LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE
YOUR...
Bedtime:	I would like to go to bed at 10 on weeknights but that's really impractical. I usually go to bed at 12 or 1 weeknights and weekends
Most Missed Memory:	one time me and a bunch of friends told ghost stories in my furnace room... oh man it was so much fun
Best phyiscal feature:	I don't know. My teeth are straight, that's nice.
First Thought Waking Up:	Oh man another day... how many until summer again?
Goal for this year:	start breaking in debate
Best Friends:	Siobhan, Shauna, Olivia, Erin, Emma, JoAnna
Weakness:	I can be selfish I think... and I seem to have trouble with addicitons
Fears:	That I will never be happy and that I will become addicted to drugs
Heritage:	I don't know what this question means... I'm mostly Scottish if that's what it means
Longest relationship:	nine months
HAVE YOU...
Ever Drank:	yes
Ever Smoked:	no
Pot:	no
Ever been Drunk:	semi
Ever been beaten up:	yes
Ever beaten someone up:	no
Ever Shoplifted:	no
Ever Skinny Dipped:	not really
Ever Kissed Opposite sex:	yes
Been Dumped Lately:	no
IN A GUY/GIRL
Favorite Eye Color:	blue or green
Favorite Hair Color:	blond or brown
Short or Long:	semi-long but not too long
Height:	about 5"8 or 9
Style:	Abercrombie
Looks or Personality:	personality... but looks are nice
Hot or Cute	cute
Drugs and Alcohol:	nope
Muscular or Really Skinny:	muscular but not too muscular
RANDOMS
Number of Regrets in the Past:	I don't really regret anything. I know that sounds lame but it's true.
What country do you want to Visit:	I want to go back to Europe and back to England/Ireland/Whales and I want to go to Scotland, France, Germany, Italy, New Zealand, Australia, China... everywhere
How do you want to Die:	Either in my sleep or fighting for something I believe in, like someone else's life
Been to the Mall Lately:	haha our mall doesn't really count as a mall
Do you like Thunderstorms:	yes I love them
Get along with your Parents:	sometimes
Health Freak:	I like healthy food, but junk food is good too
Do you think your Attractive:	no
Believe in Yourself:	sometimes
Want to go to College:	yes
Do you Smoke:	no
Do you Drink:	no
Shower Daily:	yes
Been in Love:	I think so
Do you Sing:	I try... and fail
Want to get Married:	yes
Do you want Children:	one, at the most two
Have your future kids names planned out:	lol, of course... boys Adrian or Alexis, girls Siobhan, Ryan, Shauna
Age you wanna lose your Virginity:	haven't really thought about it (well I sort of already lost my virginity, but we'll pretend I haven't)... I'd say probably 21
Hate anyone:	not really
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

automatic writing

I think that's what it's called. I do it occasionally. Do you know what I'm talking about? Like on The Sixth Sense when the boy just sits down and writes without thinking about it. Well, the day before yesterday I did that and was amazed at what came out of me... I won't write it here because it's this really graphic, really sad sorry of some girl's father raping her.
BUT...
I just found this automatic writing I did this summer and it broke my heart (this may not be exactly what it says, as I was so angry that I can barely read my writing. The "she" is me):
She feels like she needs it best therapist of them all an empty stomach a gaping cut she thinks she can't cope with life without pain
she is scared when she's with him at how easy it would be to open up like a flower
she thinks that by burying herself in the cuts she can make the world slide away she wants drugs and alcohol and she thinks she can somehow live without it she thinks she can beat it she's so stupidly optimistic

She couldn't let go of the past, couldn't stop hating herself in a small corner of her mind for things she knows she couldn't control but she should have been able to she should have been able to let go she has no control she can't even be angry or sad without screwing up she cared too much about too many people that hurt her and she let them because she's a masochist and has to hurt herself has to throw up practically die doesn't know how to be happy and she's selfish and angry and she doesn't even know it and she sits there like a bottle and hurts the people that never hurt her and can't let go of the people that did
and she's stupid and incapable she should have been able to hold her family together and she exists so they can hurt her and she deserved getting raped and beaten and she won't let go of the stupid idea that maybe there is something in her that deserves to live maybe she shouldn't have been able to stop her brother from doing drugs and maybe she is smart and beautiful and she won't let go of that idea even though it is stupid STUPID STUPID

This stuff I wrote interests me because first off I didn't even realize I was thinking those things until I had written them, and second off it really accurately depicts my thought processes: I am angry, I hate myself, I feel guilty and stupid and selfish, but no matter how angry and depressed and self-hating I get there is this part of me that loves me, that believes it wasn't my fault, that will NOT LET GO. This part usually annoys me at the time, but when I look back I realize that that is the part of me that embodies all of my hope.

So my advice: do automatic writing. If you do it correctly, stuff will come out of you that you didn't even know you felt. Just sit down and disconnect your mind from your pen and just write nonstop for ten minutes. Some of it will be crap at first, but you'll be surprized at how honest you can be when you are not thinking. It's a very good way to learn to understand yourself.

Well I was forced to see my counselor today by numerous people, but that's okay because I think it made me feel better too. Anyway, I didn't tell my counselor I cut or anything (legal obligations... even though she knows it would just make things worse to tell my parents), but I think that I effectively non-verbally communicated to her that I did, so I think she knows, and doesn't have to tell (because I didn't outright tell her). So she said, "Are you still feeling like cutting?"
and I said, "Yes, every second of every day."
"But..." she said.
"But I won't. Because it hurts the people around me that truly care about me when I cut and hurt myself. Never before in my life have people really expressed so much concern over me and so much love, so I have never before been really selfish by cutting. Now, cutting would be selfish. It would hurt more than just me.
There have been and always will be times in my life when I no longer care about myself and want to die. But there has never been a time, and probably never will be, when I haven't cared about and loved the people around me. And now that compassion is saving my life. As long as there are people who love me who it would seriously hurt to cut or kill myself, I cannot do it.

I am used to fighting for my life. And that is what these last few weeks have been... a perpetual battle just for the air I breathe. But for the first time ever, I wasn't the only person fighting for my life. Others were fighting for my life as well, and fighting to protect me, and fighting to give me what I need as human being. That is a first for me. That is what has made all the difference in these past few weeks.

Because when there's nothing else to live for, people live for each other, they truly do.

So I give you this oath: As long as you love me, as long as you care, I will not hurt myself before asking for your help and fighting hella hard.

"Public opinion is a weak tyran compared with our own private opinion. What a man thinks of himself, that is which determines, or rather indicates, his fate." (Thoreau)

"I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not when it came time to die, discover that I had not lived." (Thoreau)

I am currently reading Walden. I was reading Diary of a Young Girl (Anne Frank), which I was thoroughly enjoying and finding hilarious because she is so wry and full of the sort of angst that permeates my sixth grade journal, but my English grade has been dropping so steadily to a wonderful I think 92% (B) at the moment due in large to failed comprehension quizes on stuff that I did read but just thought was crap (Anne Bradstreet and William Byrd).

So I am reading Walden and writing an essay on it. It's really interesting, sometimes boring, but for the most part I enjoy it. I could never live in isolation for two years though.

Something interesting has been happening lately. I have not felt alone. What with these two coaches that care about me...

It is odd. I have never not felt alone before.

My gosh what a night. Something has been happening lately (for the sake of not hurting some people involved I will be mysterious about it on here, my first sort-of lie I will tell on this blog) and it became an emergency tonight at 8:00 p.m. so I called my debate coach. After I finally persuaded my mom to let me go my coach came and picked me up and we went to JB's and talked for a while, and talked about how to stop this emergency situation. So I think it is cleared up now. But at 9:56 p.m. my mom called my cell phone and said "we need to talk," in this horrible voice. So I thought she might have read something I'd written about this emergency so I sort of wanted to panic. I begged my debate coach to just get on the high way and drive away so I'd never have to deal with it but she said we'd run out of gas in twenty miles anyway.

So my coach went in the house with me to try to deal with the wrath of mother, and it turned out all right, not nearly as bad as I was suspecting, and the situation did not explode as awfully as it could have.

So now it is 10:49 and I have absolutely no homework done because this situation took precedant. It is a good thing I have recently switched from majorly depressed to hypomanic and may be able to stay insanely productive long enough to get this work down.

I've been really panicky all day. I had two panic attacks in school today for the first time in months. It was horrible. And I was so angry. But I feel a lot better now after talking to my coach, although my mom is right it was unfair. But it was definitely the best and really only way to handle the emergency.

So I had a bit of a scare tonight. It got my heart beating. And even if the emergency is not cleared up, I have begun to deal with it.

(Wow I sound vague).

Oh, and I think (if I can come up with $500) I am taking a bioethics class next semester. That took a lot of figuring out to see how much it would cost because it puts me one credit over the ACE limit (6) per semester.

height Feet Inches

Small Frame

Medium Frame

Large Frame

5' 2"

108-121

118-132

128-143

http://www.halls.md/ideal-weight/met.htm

MY HEIGHT: 5'2" MY WEIGHT: 111
Now I don't know what my frame is, probably small I guess. I am currently trying to convince myself I am not fat.
On the kids' weight charts I am slightly above the 25 percentile for weight and right on it for height. I guess that means I am slightly overweight. I didn't used to be. Last year I weight 105. I've gained all this weight.

I am so frustrated about food. I doubt I will ever have a normal relationship with it. I live in a house where everyone weighs themselves at least every morning and every night, usually more often. We all discuss our weights at breakfast every morning and decide whether to skip meals or eat differently. They are constantly talking about diet and exercise and losing weight. Every meal, at least once an hour of every day... food food food, weight, weight, weight.
They say I should lose a few more pounds. I should. I feel so suffocated though. I can't handle this. I hate eating. I hate not eating. My body can't tell when it's hungry anymore. I can eat 1000 calories now without gaining weight, which I guess is a blessing and way above last year's 400. But it's still so frustrating. I'm so used to binging and purging that it's hard to quit the habit even after I'm not purging. I'll not eat much for a week and then eat a ton. I don't know what to eat. I don't know how to change.
I begged my parents to take me to a nutritionist/dietician but we don't have "enough money." I'm going crazy.

Every time I look in the mirror I am reminded of how fat I am. Every time I buy clothes. Every time I eat something. I get so frustrated I don't even want a body anymore. I wish I didn't ever have to eat.

Philosophy is contradiction. Philosophers demand people to question reality and society, and also condemn uniformity. Yet the result of questioning things, if there is an ultimate truth out there, can only be just another kind of uniformity.

I was thinking about Socrates today and the Oracle at Delphi (I don't know how you spell that), and how it said he was the wisest man alive. I reckon that if I was Socrates and someone said that to me I wouldn't be sure if there was much worth living for. How horrible it would be to know that despite all your confusions and doubts there is no existing embodiment of the truth that you seek, no person to answer your questions. It would mean that the way you think, the questions you ask, actually have no answers in the end, or no answers achievable by humanity. Point being I hope nobody ever tells me I'm the wisest person alive (although I doubt there's even a remote chance of that).

There's only one way to describe how I have felt lately. Sometimes when it is freezing and snowing and foggy outside, and the sky and the earth are the same deadened shade of gray, and I am driving in my car at night wearing mittens and a coat with the heat turned up all the way and the radio turned off I feel like this. In those moments it is as if all that reality truly consists of is that isolated cube of hot air in the car, and that all progress can only be made in that small sphere. I can look at the world through the windows and see things in close proximity closely and with more clarity than ever before. I can begin to question and disect the things I have always just assumed. But it is an incredibly lonely feeling, and a helpless feeling in the way, to know I will never affect the cold unfeeling world outside of the car, to know that someday the heat will break and the gas will run out and the two worlds will merge.
That's a rather extended analogy, but I don't know how else to describe this feeling.

I hope that everyone at some point hits this wall and realizes they no longer have anything to believe in. What is truth, anyway? It is a projection of our own doubts. I've been thinking a lot about philosophy and it truly is hypocritical unless Nietzche (and maybe Russeau(sp), I can't remember who else) is right in that the only reality is that that your create yourself. But then again if that is true, then Neitzsche's philosophy is rather meaningless too.

It all feels so hopeless. Things seem to be disintegrating around me. Assumptions are so safe and doubt is so numbing. I hope that I can find something to believe in.

I believe in
Love
Life for everyone
The essential good of man
The individualism of morality
Some form of God

I don't know what else at the moment.

You are most likely a Democrat.


The Weekly Rebuttal's--Are you a Democrat or a Republican (a legitimate, no non-sense quiz)
brought to you by Quizilla

Your Political Profile

Overall: 10% Conservative, 90% Liberal

Social Issues: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal

Personal Responsibility: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal

Fiscal Issues: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal

Ethics: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal

Defense and Crime: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal

How Liberal / Conservative Are You?

I am having a midlife crisis at sixteen. I am doing a lot better emotionally today (things are still bad but I think the worst is over), but I am having a major disaster in the religous/political aspect of my life.
I had never really thought a lot about projecting or solidifying my personal views until lately. I grew up in my opressive church. My parents would murder me if they ever read this entry. But it needs to be written.
So lately I've begun to realize that although there are many things I do agree with my church on there are many things I definitely do NOT agree with my church on. Without realizing it I have begun to silently rebel. I loathe the Morman/Christian-in-general views of heaven, and their conviction that they are right and everyone else is wrong. I just can't believe that. I hate the opression of organized religion, the corruption of it all. I think homosexuality is natural. I believe in gay marriage. I don't think creationism should be taught in school. I am totally against capital punishment. I don't believe there is a universal truth. If people do what they believe is right, even if it doesn't concur with my beliefs (or the doctrine I cling to), how is it wrong?
The world is defined from the inside out. My world is so different from my freinds'. There is no fact, no proof, only interpretation. Science assumes there is no higher power, religion assumes there is. In the end, both are only assumptions.
I believe in God. I will fight abortion until the day I die. I believe my relgion promotes a godo way of life. I believe it has given me purpose. I have a hard time agreeing with its judgemental nature. I have a hard time accepting corruption. God is perfect. Institutions never are and never will be.
How can I doubt? I will die and be damned for this. But how can I accept something that I instinctively reject? There is nothing to believe in. There is only guilt. How, after years of totally accepting Mormanism, can I begin to question the foundation that kept me alive?
I want to believe it. I will pray, go to church, read the scriptures over and over again, see what happens. But I am not sure anymore. I am so far from sure.

Oh man, I've done absolutely no homework this weekend and I still have a ton left to do before tomorrow...

but on the optimistic hand, I feel a lot better now, and I think I'm going to start taking my medicine again. I'm stronger than this. I'm not ready to give up just yet.

RADIOACTIVE DECAY

Your eyes were the hearts
of two crysanthemums
welling blood.
Your hands fell like cages
around my chest.

In the darkness I split into
the past, present,
and future-
three lives containing you
and the brush strokes of your
love.

Somewhere a traffic light
slid with slicing fractals
from red-yellow-green-
out of order and unnoticed.

The moon snapped my heart
like a dry bone on Thanksgiving.

That was the summer I realized
I could decay like Plutonium-
silently, chaotically-
into something I had never been.

GOSH why is everyone such an f-ing jerk? Why is everyone so lost? Why can't I help people? Why can't I look in the mirror and accept that I suck? Isn't it just making it worse to pretend there is hope? Why do I even try, now when I am almost positive it's all a head game I play with myself? Why do we debate? We lose, we cry, we cut, we hate ourselves... and my gosh we're hopelessly addicted to the thrill of it.

I drank Starbucks to punish myself. I needed something to hate myself for that was more concrete than the way I was feeling. I still don't feel guilty. If there had been pot I would have smoked it. If there had been cocaine I would have snorted it. If there had been heroin I would have shot up. If there had been alcohol I would have drank it.

What do they call this, this disintegration of beliefs? Why do I not care anymore what God thinks? I don't want to die, but I know a part of me must and must not care, otherwise I wouldn't do the things I've done in the past few days.

I need to pull it all together. I need to recover.

Taking a few political tests lately, I have ended up over all more democratic than republican, but obviously very very conservative or very liberal on a few isolated issues. Weird.

Life is not going well at all but it goes on. This weekend is now officially blocked from my memory except for the few insightful conversations I was involved in.

I found out one of my close friends is bisexual. This doesn't really change anything at all, I don't really care, and I'm not surprised, but it is kind of odd, knowing.

I felt guilty a lot this weekend. I'm being so selfish. Whether they know it or not I am ultimately hurting the people I love. It's just another incentive to hate myself.

Well I've been a complete failure lately... I hope I am redeemable.

Thousands of years of human history and we still haven't created adequately absorbant gauze pads or tape that doesn't rip off your skin.

The slump continues... I have basically a day and a half. I have told myself that if I live until Friday... just live, nothing else matters but that I breathe... then things will work out.

" We cannot control life's difficult moments but we can choose to make life less difficult. We cannot control the negative atmosphere of the world, but we can control the atmosphere of our minds. Too often we try to choose and control things we cannot. Too seldom we choose to control what we can -- our attitude."
John Maxwell

" Be positive in knowing that if you stay strong, you'll keep going."
Written in 2005 by Nikita Doolan

" To get out of difficulty, one usually has to go through it. To discover the limits of the possible, go beyond them into the impossible, for happiness is enhanced by others, but does not depend on others." Author unknown

" The biggest fear in life is that we are going to die one day!! Does this mean we stop living? We know our life decreases with every breath, but that doesn't stop us from living, doing good things, knowing each other, playing around, doing our part in this world. But then why does a smaller fear, which is nothing compared to leaving this lovely world, make us feel sick? Why does a fear of losing make us feel hurt? Why does a fear of failing make us feel disheartened? Instead we should move ahead to not be touched by these fears, which are hindrances to our development. Since we never stop living, because of fear of death, then no other thing is as big as this fear!! So let's resolve today, we are going to live without any fear for our and other's happiness!!"
Written in 2005 by Mitesh Vageriya

So I am degraded into seeking out inspirational quoes on the internet... so what. I need them. I've screwed up a lot in the past few days. All that matters for right now is living and not giving up. Living is way more difficult and requires way more courage than dying at any rate.

let's try this one more time...

psychoanalysis...
PROBLEM: HOW DO I FEEL RIGHT NOW?
I feel like killing myself. I want to go cut my wrist.

HOW DID YOU FEEL ONE WEEK AGO?
Happy. But these feelings were welling up inside of me. I felt like I didn't deserve happiness. I felt like I wasn't born to be happy. I felt... so incredibly guilty. I felt like I was incapable of being stable and being okay with it. I felt like I was born to be depressed. I was uncomfortable with happiness. I really, really, really missed self-injury. I missed pain. I missed being broken.

WHY DID THAT CHANGE?
When I found out about Matt and Shauna, and a few other things going on, I plummeted. I stopped taking my meds. I'm so depressed right now. I feel like just killing myself and ending it all. It all seems so pointless.

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE SINCE THEN?
I cut my arm and my leg very deeply. I jumped off our porch.

WHAT DID YOU FEEL?
I felt like a failure. I confirmed my inner belief that even if I am happy for a while, it will always crash. I reassured my fears that I will never truly be happy. I felt weak. But it also felt delicious, going back to that. I missed it a lot. I feel so much more comfortable when I'm miserable. No matter how screwed up that is it's true.

WHY DO YOU WANT TO KILL YOURSELF?
Because I'm a failure and always will be. I'm pathetic. I'm weak. I act strong but inside I'm as weak as it gets. I'm bipolar and I can't handle what that means. I grew up miserable and I can't handle what that means. I feel like none of my friends really care about me. I hate myself. I hate myself because I can't be happy. No matter how many wonderful things there are in the world, I will never be part of them. I don't deserve to be part of them. I can't handle these cycles anymore. My whole life, there will just be these cycles, these plateaus. I will be depressed and angry and suicidal, and then for a while I will be happy, and then I will go back to trying to kill myself again. It will never end.

FACE THE FACTS:
I am bipolar. I was abused. That is who I am. Whether or not I wanted it to be, I don't want that to change now. I will always cycle. There will always be two emotions in my life: depression and happiness. When I am medicated, I can control it. But it won't EVER GO AWAY. I need to deal with that. I need to accept that this is my life. I need to stop hoping that I'll get better some day and start learning to deal with it. Also, I grew up being hit and molested and screamed at and hurt. I grew up hating myself and feeling like I was undeserving of love and I was a failure because I couldn't hold my family together, and then I was a failure because I couldn't hold myself together. I chose to be weak (and am still choosing it) because I was afraid of anything else. I didn't know anything else. I still don't. Nobody ever taught me to be happy. Nobody ever taught me to be confident. And in my whole life I may never be able to completely undue the damage that was caused in my childhood. I may never be completely okay with being happy. I may never feel deserving of happiness or love. All I can hope is to keep fighting. The fight may never end. The fight will probably never end. Assuming it will is setting myself up for even more failure.

WHY DO YOU HATE YOURSELF?
Because I am weak. Because I cut myself. Because I don't know how to live without pain and depression and abuse, which makes me pathetic and inadequate and lacking something fundamental. Because I can't connect with people. Because I can't help people anymore. Because I'm useless. Because most people wouldn't care if I died. Because I don't help the world at all. I can't even help myself.

WHY DO I LOVE MYSELF?
Because I am writing this right now... no matter how many voices inside of me are screaming (and they are) remember that sex? remember how you liked it? remember how it hurt and you still asked for it? remember how you didn't talk to anyone? remember how angry you were? remember how stupid you were because you should have known it was wrong? remember how you felt bad about it, and you did it anyway? remember how you were never good enough for your mom? remember how your dad was so miserable he tried to kill himself? remember how your brother left you? remember how everyone left you, because you weren't worth living for, because you were a failure? Yeah, there are those voices. I hear them every day. Why do I love myself? Because I still write this. Because a part of me still screams, "You're wrong" and will not give up, will never give up. Because in my heart I know I would never call a five year old child who consented to abuse guilty. Because in my heart I know I could have never saved my family. I can't believe it yet. But I know it, I know it in the deep part of me that keeps me alive in times like these when all I want is to die.

WHY HAVEN'T YOU KILLED YOURSELF?
I've tried, believe me, a few times. But I don't want to leave behind weakness. I don't want that to be the end of me. I don't want to die with cuts on my body or laxatives in my system or masses of pills in my stomach or broken bones or a bullet in my skull. I want people to say at my funeral, "she was strong." If I were to kill myself today, as I feel like doing, people will say, " I never really noticed her. She was really weak, I guess."
Because a few people would care. And as long as one person cares, I will not be that selfish. When I cannot live for myself (as I have been unable to for most of my life) I will live for others. Because I remember how I felt when my dad drank that charcoal. Because I remember how lost I was.

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO STOP YOURSELF FROM SUICIDE?
I have, several times these past few days, held pills in my hands and a glass of water. I have held the razor against my wrist. And most of me wanted to die. But a small part of me insists I am not that weak. So I tell myself, I will give that part one more chance. One more day. And if I can decide that today, and tomorrow, and every day this week, then I can survive until this weekend. Tonight on the way home and last night on the way home I turned up the music really loud. "Allstar." And remembered when I was in fifth grade in the car with a bunch of friends screaming that. Remembered Kristin and Olivia and me and the Shrek soundtrack. I was miserable then. But the point is... it's a memory. I was miserable and I survived. Tonight I screamed so loudly I could hear myself above the music, which was up all the way. I screamed so loud I almost laughed at how atonal my voice sounded. But when I got home I felt a little emotionally drained. And it was enough, for a few hours.

There is a parallel:
I am weak I am worthless I am a failure I am pathetic I am stupid I deserve abuse I will never be happy I'm not even capable of fighting I deserve to die Nobody will miss me

I am smart I am strong I have survived more abuse than my friends could dream of I have lived five years with diagnosed bipolar I believed in myself for a while I made it nine months without hurting myself I didn't hate myself for nine whole months I beat the urges for nine months.

SO WHAT IF I CAN NEVER QUIT FIGHTING...
It's better to live and fight than die in weakness...
I just have to keep fighting this urge. My main goal is to live through tonight. And then live through tomorrow. Maybe slowly things will come back. Maybe slowly I'll find more reasons to live.
I AM NOT SELFISH. I AM NOT WEAK.
No matter how strong the voice is in me that says I will never survive, I am weak, I will kill myself, it cannot drown out the small voice telling me I am worth it, I am strong, and I can beat this.

HERO (MARIAH CAREY)
There's a hero If you look inside your heart You don't have to be afraid Of what you are There's an answer If you reach into your soul And the sorrow that you know Will melt away

And then a hero comes along With the strength to carry on And you cast your fears aside And you know you can survive So when you feel like hope is gone Look inside you and be strong And you'll finally see the truth That a hero lies in you

It's a long road When you face the world alone No one reaches out a hand For you to hold You can find love If you search within yourself And the emptiness you felt Will disappear

And then a hero comes along With the strength to carry on And you cast your fears aside And you know you can survive So when you feel like hope is gone Look inside you and be strong And you'll finally see the truth That a hero lies in you

Lord knows Dreams are hard to follow But don't let anyone Tear them away Hold on There will be tomorrow In time You'll find the way

And then a hero comes along With the strength to carry on And you cast your fears aside And you know you can survive So when you feel like hope is gone Look inside you and be strong And you'll finally see the truth That a hero lies in you

"I only truly realized it when I got to know you. You have a spirit that just won't quit. No matter what you go through, you have goals you won't stop striving for. And that's why I'm sure you'll achieve any goal you set for yourself. " (Matt, x-bf)

"You are good, and brilliant, and beautiful, and talented, and a wonderful person. You will break the chain because you are special. If you ever end up with a man that hurts you, I'll kick his ass. But you will learn to love yourself and then you won't let someone hurt you because you will have power and will know how to stop them. " (Amanda, debate coach)

"ur my best friend in the whole world, so i know i can come crying to u and u'd listen. i miss u so much at school lindsay! i mean, sam and stac ar my friends, but nobody can even hold a candle to you. i luv you, and if you ever feel the need to just dump it all on somone-a bad day, guy problems, other friend problems, anything-please, come crying to me. thank you so much for everthing and all the joy and fun you've given me during our friendship so far. be strong, hold on, and stay you. i luv you . " (Olivia, bff)

"I wanted you to know that even though all you hope for is to be someone's angel. It's more than hope. It's real. You're my angel. But i'm sure glad you strive to be an angel to anyone who needs one. And, I hope that i can be yours. And somehow your wings are always reaching out and shading other peoples firery doubts, as your own burning fears and troubles scorch your soul. You amaze me. Your stubborness amazes me. You always put others first. In all the time i've known you. I have never once seen you put yourself before others. I was awake." (Kara, friend)

"But i never ever stopped caring about you! And that night when i said i had, i was mad because i looked at you and saw every one else, i didn't under stand why you could see beneath every thing. And i'm so sorry for hurting you because that was the last thing i wanted to do, even though in a way i did mean to do it (if that makes any sense.) " (Siobhan, friend)

"in my heart there is an angel
> in my heart you saw it. it is god. you have that angel in you also.
> Im tryign to learn to use her. usually she comes out without me
> knowing. i just had to tell you that, i knew when you kept saying
> you saw an angel in me she would nto keep showing herself to you ,
> all angels leave your presense but im still here. jsut me.
> stripped:0" (Shauna, friend)

"YOU are EVERYTHING I've always DREAMED of becoming, EVERYTHING 
that I've ALWAYS sought in a woman. If there is anything I can
 ask of you, it would be to accept the fact that you are
bordering on perfection. You can still be humble while realizing
all of the good that you've brought about for yourself and others."
(Josh, sort of boyfriend)

PEOPLE DO LOVE ME... PEOPLE DO CARE...
I CAN MAKE IT THROUGH THIS...
Please, God, please, if you're still listening, if I even deserve to still be listened to, please help me remember the reasons I stay alive, please help me to remember how to love myself...

I went to a movie with Olivia and then to a party. The guy in the movie ("Elizabethtown") was suicidal, and it triggered me somewhat, so throughout the movie I was just thinking of ways to kill myself. I haven't taken my meds in a bit, and I can definitely tell. I really feel like hurting myself right now, maybe even killing myself. Anyway, Orlando Bloom was the main guy in the movie and he is really, really, REALLY hot, makes a girl hate Kirstin Dunst... I didn't really care what the movie was about (although it was really good) as long as I could look at his face.
The part was fun. I felt a bit disconnected though. As usual. A bunch of people were there. I just sat next to Shauna, her arm through mine, her gloved hand on my knee. I really do forgive her. It makes me sad to think of how much she was hurting.

I WANT SOMEONE TO TOUCH ME. I want someone to hug me so hard it hurts. Nobody ever touches me besides Shauna, I suppose because I act like I don't want to be touched and I never touch anyone. But for some reason I crave touch... it makes me feel normal (except from my family- I don't like them touching me). That's part of the reason why I love being with Shauna: when I'm with her, she makes me feel like I was sexually abused by touching me, although I still don't really return it.

I WANT PEOPLE TO NOTICE ME. I'm hurting. I really am falling apart. I think that I'm just a f*ck up. I've lost it all. I've cut like three times. I was quite close to some half-hearted suicide attempt today that I probably would have failed because I'm a failure at life and a failure at death. I'm so depressed and I'm angry and I hate myself for being such an amazing and complete failure. I want someone to see I'm not okay. I want someone to stop acting like everything's fine. I want someone to notice me.

A part of me is still insisting that I'm better than this, that I can be happy... such a pathetic little part screaming, "LIFE IS MORE THAN THIS"...