Friday, March 30, 2007

need advice please

I'm entering a writing contest, and I need help deciding whether to enter this short story or one of these poems (I can only enter one thing).

This short story is about child abuse; the ball is a metaphor of the happiness/normalcy of children that don't grow up with it; Aila/Brenda are symbols of all of the people that are abused; the first letters of the name (A/B) correspond with the alphabet, showing that every day so many people are abused, tons under every letter. But if I turn this in, I can't explain any of that, it just has to stand alone:

26 Every Day (For All of Those that are Abused and Forgotten)

1.

Aila with her eyes the color of abalone scrapings and her words more precious than the crumbled backbone of the last rusted leaf of fall

[but more forgotten. The others stand on the frozen place in the shaved corn field and play ball with a blushing red orb that replaces the sun in the a sky scraped raw by one billion crystals of hoarfrost]

Aila with her angry hand-print bruises that thaw like lakes and spread prism-like fingers through the net of blood vessels in her twiggish limbs, watching the bloated ball that is the antithesis of her bruises like an immobile porcelain doll

[but more unwanted. The pale eyes of the others skate only briefly over the crackling bruises before alighting with a small sigh of relief back on the game and the amorphous shapes their living makes from their exhalations that dance on their limited horizons]

Aila with her exposed hands bleeding blackness in every fingertip sinking slowly, without breath, into the snow so blank of comfort, unable to stand on crooked, broken legs, blinking so quickly the world grinds into freeze frames, more monochrome than her hands

[but more broken. The others see the sinking youth below the steam that clouds their vision, but they are focused on the ball that blurs from their mittoned hands and lands soflty against their fur-lined chests, as if they themselves are a pocket for that concentration of warmth]

Aila, naked body sinking through the snow, turning bluer than the bruises, struggling blindly with the silence, letting the final burst of dewy air frost one last layer of lipstick to consummate the lack of color, heart sticking and finally stopping, engine gutted from the cold that is so pervasive

[but more ignored. The others see her stillness, but the motion of that radiant ball distracts their responsibilities to a more manageable sphere, and in the cold they blind themselves to the tiny corpse and swell like boiling water within their coats. The others know that with time the snow will come with pure white hands to wipe their apprehension and guilt away, leaving only the red bladder in its arc against the sky

2.

Brenda with her eyes the color of glassy coal and her life more precious than the crumbled backbone of the last rusted leaf of fall

[but more more forgotten

but more unwanted

but more broken

but more ignored…


Here are a few poems that I like and am considering (I think that at this point the last one is my favorite):

STORM
The leaves against the roof are morphine-red;
they drug the season to dizzy numbness.
the green of the summer is wept into by fall;
every trunk is bowing not only to winter
but to death.

photographs of a flaming autumn
are more beautiful than cemetary fog;
heat smiles softly as a pregnant mother
and lays down in a shallow grave
to give birth to her stillborn, crimson child.

not only winter
but death;
not only death
but the end of the rain.


CACAPHONY

In this cacophony
of chaos
the skin of the world
surrounds in its
(laughing children,
dying grandparents,
unceasing life)
resilience
the heart of me.

love exists like this,
as a flower that blooms
when there is no night or day.
the former things are melted.
what is love?
they ask,
love…
love is watching the children cry
and watching your lover hurt them
and loving…
loving…
loving anyway

the flower blooms.
you cannot kill it,
even the night can’t close it shut.


THIS IS NOT LIFE
The print of your hand
was a lake on my cheek,
frozen over at the edges but not in the middle.

"This is life," you said.
We stood alone on a landscape of white light.

NO.

This is sanity barricading itself
in a monochrome apartment.
This is clarity struggling to hold off
a technicolor blur.
This is the final battle of reality and chaos,
one small building on a brittle tundra.

This is not life.

SCHOOL DAYS
i've been thinking of the way blood looks on oil-
like a swirling of renaissance angels,
naked, beauty like a white witch in the eves
and ugliness like a girl on the streets,
all of it painted with regret.

i can handle one day of this hurricane
and live without water,
two days from the dehydration of your touch,
but with three comes the pictures that wave on the sand
and i know it's the beginning of the end.

intolerance is rampant and trampling lives
and i am helpless to snare it or stop it.
there is something about happiness and the way
it behaves
that makes me believe
there is more than the end.

SURREAL
It's always raining, and Monday,
when I look in the mirror
and am shocked to realize that I am alive
in the same way as everyone else,
and that a heart beats within me.

The saddest thing is that we existed,
the saddest thing is life.
Most people ignore it but I see it in the shadows,
it grips my lungs like pneumonia,
though I still find it hard to believe
I am subject to the same illnesses
as the ghosts that haunt these streets.
If our lives could be inverted,
I would be comfortable as an apparition.

I wander the town where we grew up.
The men in their business suits smile when
they remember the past,
becuase they still think memories are real.
I know better.
Happiness is only temporary. In the future
all that is real is that no matter what we felt,
it's gone now.

It's really only surrealism
that makes a town a town, a world a world.
It's really only the screams throughout the years
of events that never occurred.
It's really only me,
breathing,
and my image in the mirror.

Thursday, March 29, 2007

the anticipation is "killing" me

I have hardly been able to concentrate lately with all of this anticipation. I got admitted to Barnard today, but I was kind of expecting that, so I didn't get extremely excited or anything (especially since I don't plan on going there).
I visited the University of Chicago blog for probably the 10000001st time in two days, and saw that in fact they had just barely emailed oud regular decisions. I read the first line and got really excited and checked my email to find that there was no email there, indicating I didn't get a scholarship. But then I went back to the blog and it said they only mailed scholarship decisions and didn't send out emails on them. So I have to wait probably until Monday to know whether or not I got a scholarship.
Also, the Oberlin letter is in the mail, and I should know tomorrow about that scholarship.

Apparently, though, I learned today, my grandparents are willing to pay my entire first year's tuition at MIT, which would make my parents able to afford the rest, which means I can go to MIT. That made me very, very excited, because I have believed for the past week or so that MIT was out of the picture. I'm glad to have it back. I think it's what I really want, but if I get a full-ride somewhere else, I will have a difficult decision to make.

So, back to waiting and obsessing...

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Things making today a good day

1. It was supposed to snow, but instead it rained instead, all day. To me it felt like nature was defying the recapitulation of winter in favor of the awesomeness of spring.

2. We didn't have to go to school again today until noon since the sophomores and juniors were taking No-Child-Left-Behind standardized tests.

3. I went to the valedictorian meeting this morning (there's thirteen of us; too bad the GPA isn't weighted, because I think I would have the highest GPA if it was, which would be pretty cool) and my idea was basically chosen for our speech, and I get to start the speech (that's also a negative thing, but it will go into my positive day recipe).

4. Tomorrow is early release, so I gathered a bunch of friends together to have lunch at the Green Iguana (or rather linner, since we have to wait until I'm out of math at 3).

5. We learned about the history of literature in thirty minutes in English today.

6. I got 14% higher on my revision of my Death of a Salesman essay, making my grade of 98.7 (no extra credit involved) like the highest grade he's ever given, which doesn't really matter, but it kind of boosted my self esteem.

7. I practiced my piano solo for district after school for a while (or rather after my violin lesson), and I think I'm going to be able to pull it together.

8. I finished all of my math homework! Although I missed one of them, meaning for the first time ever I won't get all of the points for the homework since I was only allowed two attempts on a problem and I was being stupid. But we are learning about forced dampened and undampened harmonic oscillators, which is seriously way cool because it's how they make bridges and any other oscillating systems.

9. I found out I'm not the only one obsessing about the UC notification; I looked on the admissions blog, and a lot of regular decision people are freaking out (I just need to know about the scholarship! I really hope I get it!).

10. (This is kinda for yesterday, but whatever). I had my senior project presentation last night, and my presentation was during Alayna's, so I thought all of our mutual friends there would just go to hers, but they all went to mine! Which made me feel really loved. And they all told me afterwards that they really wanted to read my book!

11. I am me. That feels like a positive thing today. Minus the whole weight and body image and eating disorder thing, which isn't going fantastically at the moment. But the rest of me is pretty cool.

Sunday, March 25, 2007

powerlessness

I HATE how she makes me powerless, how she has the ultimate control, how she can say all of these terrible things to me and I can't say anything back, because she's the stupid freaking adult, she can dictate everything I say and do, she has the POWER, and I have nothing. I hate feeling powerless. I hate feeling so angry and having no outlet at all but myself.

I'M SICK OF GETTING YELLED AT!!!!!!! I'M SICK OF NO POWER!!!!!!! I want to be myself. I want to be myself myself myself myself myself, not who I have to be to avoid the punishments from so much control.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

college update

I'm still visiting MIT and Chicago in April, but it looks like if I don't get the scholarship to University of Chicago, I will probably have to go to BYU. This is because despite my brother and grandfather's help, despite financial aid and potential scholarships, despite my parents selling the house, we just can't afford MIT.

It's kind of hard to let a dream go. Your heart gets so exciting about this one thing that you want with all that you are... it started when I went to the informational meeting. It seemed like, during the meeting, I had never wanted anything as much as I wanted to get into MIT. But alas! Getting in was not enough. Where is the $58,000 a year to turn over with outstretched arms?

I'm not giving up yet, you know. There's still the possibility of a miracle. But the probability leans towards BYU. And because my head has been in the sky for the last two years, now I have to pull myself down to earth and face the probable outcome, which I honestly hadn't seriously considered until today.

I started the struggle to face the idea of BYU this morning. I practiced The Girl with the Flaxen Hair on piano with quite a bit of conviction. I wasn't nostalgically thinking about a blond girl, though, of course. I was trying to imagine going to a school pumped with concentrated Mormon culture, with girls just trying to get married, with 40,000 people and classes of about 200 for every one. I was trying to imagine a roommate from there, and how I could relate, and if I would, and it made me very sad, because all I could think about was all of the dreams that I'd had of Boston and Chicago. Then I got very depressed and went and talked to my counselor, Mrs. Everett. She thinks that I will get the full-ride to Chicago, but I don't think that will happen. They choose 20 people out of 3000 applicants. I'm not that qualified. I'm only on the high end of the ACT median, and I am not overly involved in helping my community or saving the world. Mrs. Everett also thinks I will get the national merit scholarship, which may be slightly more likely, but still will not provide me with enough money to pull through at my dream schools.

I'm still filling out scholarship applications. I'm still imagining the atmosphere at MIT or UC. But in my heart, I am also beginning, just beginning, to imagine the probably, realistic prospects of going to Provo next year. There are a few good things I guess. I'd be closer to home. (I HATE SALT LAKE!) I could take my car. I would never have to worry about money.

It's not just next year, though. It's grad school. Grad schools look just as much at what school you went to as at what grades you got. More, probably. And BYU isn't exactly top of the Ivy League. I don't know if it's enough to get me into Caltech for grad school. And if I don't get into Caltech for grad school after getting in for undergrad... I don't know what I'll do.

How unfair the world is. That's life, I guess. They encouraged me to nurture my dreams, and I nurtured. But in the end the dreams die and there is reality, stark, bitter.

I will find a way to be happy at BYU. I will have to...

I find out about the UC scholarship that determines my future in about a week. Please, please, please pray for me.

Saturday, March 17, 2007

independence (tastes so good)

I survived the week. I exhausted my money on energy drinks. I used up all of my decaf chai. But I'm alive. AP language was cancelled thursday night so I got some sleep. Last night I was so tired, I fell asleep immediately.

I went to Great Falls with Erin today for testimony meeting at seminary conference and then just to hang out. The drive up was nice; it's really pretty in the spring time, especially when you cross over the Missouri river at the place the railroad goes over as well. It always awes me every time, how beautiful the world can be no matter how many horrible things go on in it.

The testimony meeting was good. We went to Wheat Montana after and I had a smoothie, half a sandwich, and part of a cinnamon roll. Progress. I figured I ran five miles yesterday and two today; I can splurge. It tasted so good. Life tasted so good. Although we got extremely lost because neither of us has a sense of direction (we wandered around Great Falls for a long while, wasting gas and time, but having fun), I felt a real sense of independence. It was my first road trip with a friend all alone.

We made plans for this summer. We're going to go to Canada with some other friends. We're going to go to Glacier just us. We're going backpacking (I insist!) and bikeriding and skinnydipping. Life... one last summer...

Oh man I will miss them.

We went to Promonition (I spent a lot of money today- $40- which was bad, but it was worth it I guess). It made me sad that they can apparently now say the F-word in a PG movie, but it was a good movie. It was very sad. It said a lot about faith. I have faith. I have faith in the existence of meaning in a chaotic world. I have faith that somehow I will be alright next year. I do believe in it. I believe in things.

Back home I went to Patrick's house for a little while to meditate, since lately a lot of things have been cluttering my mind. It was a really interesting experience. Patrick kind of talked to me while I tried to escape my body into a more universal network. I think it worked somewhat. I felt a lot more relaxed and connected after words.

I have a testimony in springtime, in the buds pushing out of the roughness of the trees. I have a testimony in friendship, and in love, both friendly love and romantic love. I have a belief in the possibility of rebirth. I like to think of myself as a phoenix. Maybe it comes from the bipolar. I crash again and again. But somehow, I am always reborn from the ashes.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Six hours of sleep in sixty-something hours...
my head hurts so much
energy drinks
so much homework
no sleep tonight, or tomorrow either... what will happen?
I feel like crying, just because I'm so tired, and I can't sleep because there's so much stupid homework and crap.
Mom being mean, ganged up on, trying to fight this

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh............... =sob

Monday, March 12, 2007

decaf chai tea (life is beautiful)

Today feels like a pretty good day. At least right now it does.

I've been having trouble sleeping lately. I get into a half-sleep state after sleeping deeply for a few hours. In this state, I think about math endlessly. I'm not really aware of what I'm thinking about, but it has something to do with solving differential equations of all kinds, and my brain is intensely active although I'm not really conscious. It does prevent sound sleeping.

Today Erin brought me decaf chai which was very exciting. I haven't tasted chai tea because it has caffeine in it, so it was kind of monumental. Anyway, more on that later.

I'm beginning to really feel the senioritis. I'm not really sick of school. I don't mind going there and being a vegetable for hours. I don't mind listening to my teachers talk, really. But the moment they give me homework or tell me to actually do something, I get really annoyed. So I'm not sick of vegetating; I'm just sick of working.

Today was pretty good at facilitating my vegetation. In chemistry I was forced to work on science circus with my partner, Morgan M., but we didn't really do much. I'm not looking forward to science circus in two weeks, during which I will have to work for nine hours over the weekend in the gym at our high school making playdough or epoxy glue with little kids. Oh well. I loved it when I was younger. I might as well give it to the next generation. I still remember seeing my next door neighbor working at science circus when I was eight or so. She seemed so old to me then. Older people always seem ancient, but when I reach their age, I still feel very young (in some ways), and I don't feel like anyone looks at me with that sort of vague respect.

The rest of the morning was nice as well. In AP government we just watched a movie (although I have to start worrying about these three AP tests coming up in the beginning of May). In physics we walked to the Pattern House and drank coffee (or italian sodas for me) and talked more about science circus. Mrs. Mazanec was in a good mood in orchestra. English was entertaining as everyone got really into reading Death of a Salesman with terrible Boston accents (weird that I may be in Boston next year, surrounding by more authentic accents...). Math was difficult to come back to, but endurable (maybe it will shut up the nightly buzz of differential equations in my brain).

The most exciting thing about the day, however, was that I got my flights changed to go to Chicago next month (I had to change them because we scheduled them during solo/ensamble festival, which was mostly my fault). I thought that was going to cost me $100, which meant that next month I would be riding my bike a lot to conserve gas (which I was going to do anyway), and that I wouldn't be able to go shopping with Erin when we drive to Great Falls this weekend, which was somewhat upsetting.
I was on hold for 57 minutes last night trying to get them switched, and when we finally got ahold of someone they transferred me to a desk that closed at midnight eastern time, and that was at 10:05 p.m.
Today I went out to the airport after math, and they told me that actually we had to call American Express because it was a companion ticket, and that took a while, and when we finally got through to the people with power, they said it was going to be $215, which I couldn't afford. So I was kind of upset about not being able to change them, but then (miracle of miracles!) they found a way to do it for $100. And then they found out that they'd actually overcharged us for the first flights, so it only ended up being $3.00, which pretty much made my day.

Then I came home and drank my chai with two pieces of cinnamon toast and an apple, and life seems good right now, despite how busy March and April are for me, despite my incomplete independent project (I'm working on it!) and all of the solos I have to practice for tonight. Some things just make life seem alright.

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

I feel alone and I don't know why. I have a lot of friends that care about me here, and I have Josh, and I have all of my life...
but it feels like people are dropping away from me. And what is really stupid is that when they try to get close, I just push them away.
I make no sense.

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Sorry

Yes, I realize I'm not updating consistently.
Yes, I realize I don't respond to your emails or your phonecalls.
Yes, I realize it makes it seem like I don't care, like I am abandoning you, like I am angry at you, like I am being selfish, like I'm pushing you away.

I do care; I'm not abandoning you; I'm not angry at you; I am being selfish; I am pushing you away.

I'm not sure why I'm pushing away. It feels like a reflexive action, but I'm not sure what it's in response to. I guess I've convinced myself that nobody cares, and all of your phone calls and emails and IM's somehow glance off of me, because I've told myself you're not real.

I'm sorry. I feel very alone and I have no right to feel alone. I've taken my problem and imposed it onto you. It's not your problem. It's mine. Please, bear with me. Please, don't give up on me. I realize I've given you no reason to care or bear with me or not give up, but I'm still here. I'm still in me. I'm still here.

Sorry.

Saturday, March 03, 2007

friday night

It's been a pretty terrible week. I didn't get very much sleep. Wednesday night I was up until three in the morning after drinking four energy drinks (the kinds with the warning labels on the sides), and then Thursday I drank two more energy drinks in the morning and spent the rest of the day with a slightly irregular heartbeat and huge hand-tremors, I think becuase my body is not used to caffeine, or definitely that much caffeine.

My emotional spectrum went all crazy again. I had a breakdown from Monday to Tuesday-ish, and managed to pull through it alright. I've started taking all of my lithium again now, and I feel a lot better actually.

What I really want to write about (if indeed anyone really can hear me) is last night. Shauna, Siobhan, JoAnna, Erin, and I ditched a crowd of people playing capture the flag (outside!) at Morning Light and came to my house. We ate pizza and talked for several hours. I talk to Erin and Shauna a lot, but I don't talk to Siobhan as much since she's so busy and reclusive, and I haven't talked to JoAnna in forever (since she is also busy). Also, Erin, Siobhan, JoAnna, and Shauna didn't really know each other (besides Siobhan and JoAnna) as well as I knew each of them, so it was kind of a catch-up session thing.

But... we're seventeen and eighteen year old girls. Of course we talked about boys. And Shauna, Siobhan, and JoAnna all have boyfriends. And I heard all of the things (in detail) that all of them had done with their boyfriends, and it really kind of spun me off into space. It felt really far away. Most of my friends have had sex or close to it now. As time goes on, my values and my past seem to push against the reality of my friends' lives until I float into an alternate reality than their reality (I am very glad Erin is waiting until marriage as well; hardly anyone does here, and it's hard to be alone in something).

I was having some really weird mixed emotions during the entire conversation, partly wishing I could do the things they did, since I felt very left out, partly wishing they didn't do the things they did, because it really skewed my mental outlook on all of them. And I'm not even sure why it was such a big deal, since I knew before last night basically what they had all done (except JoAnna), but we had never really talked about it that extensively.


So I feel really weird today. I don't even really know how to describe it. I guess I'm definitely getting better about the sexual abuse stuff, but there are some times when I can tell I'm distinctly not quite back to normalcy yet (or sort of average, I guess). And there's nothing really wrong with that right now, but it makes conversations like last night's slightly traumatizing. It kind of shook all of my thoughts and resolutions.

I think I just really need to talk to Erin about it, because she was the other odd one out last night. Maybe it feels as unreal to her as it does to me. Hopefully I can get ahold of her some time today.