dilemma

Why is it that I get two of the things I want most in life, but I have to choose between them?

I went to the debate national qualifier tournament this last weekend. Josh came, because I knew that if he was there I would do better, but mostly because I knew that if he was there I would be okay no matter how I did (I wanted to make sure I would be okay if I didn't qualify, and I knew that only Josh's presence could easily assure that).

The first three rounds went pretty well, and I was 3-0 the first night. Then I lost my first round Saturday morning. It really threw me off. My dreams seemed to be closing like night flowers in the noon sunlight. Every round after that had a precarious, violently tense balance to it. I knew, every round, that it could be the last time I would ever do Lincoln Douglas debate, or debate period. It gave everything an unreal edge, a focused quality. That first round after the loss was so frightening. I think many instances of my life come down to this, and I know I've used this analogy before so bear with me, but I think that everything seemed to be hanging on a string, everything being a huge mass of hopes and dreams and expectations and emotions. It seemed insane that one slice of a scissorblade could sever so much stuff. "Hope dangles on a string like slow spinning redemption, winding in and winding out, the shine of which has caught me eye..."

I made it though. In my sixth round I hit Hannah Payne, red-haired girl, my nemesis, the first person I ever debated in a competition. I didn't want her to be the last. I really didn't, but yet again I was terrified, and everything seemed very far off.

Waiting to find out if I had won those last few rounds was agonizing. I hated it more than I hate hobo spiders in my bathtub. My stomach was rock hard. Josh kept hugging me, but I kept spinning in and out of the embrace, too restless to stay still.
That moment when I found out I won was quite nice.

When I went into the seventh round (the final round), I don't think I understood that it was the determining round. Greg had been telling me that there would be eight rounds, and I thought there were still eight people in, but there were only five. So I didn't understand during the round that if I won I would automatically go to nationals (because Brittany was still in, and she had had a bye, either I or the other person that won the seventh round would get the bye to nationals, and if I didn't, Brittany wouldn't debate me).

It was a fun final round. If it was the last LD round I ever debated, it was probably the most fun as well. Kory was trying to run a kritik on aff, but he didn't structure it right. He was saying there was no morality because there was no free will. I ran topicality (or rather burdens, as is preferable terminology in LD), saying he wasn't affirming the resolution, and debated his case. I felt very in the zen. I won all three ballots.

Brittany did an amazing thing for me and conceded the eigth round when I didn't get the random bye, which made me a qualifier. After that, things should have been happy, but they were all bitter-sweet, because I found out that nationals are during the Australia trip I have had planned for one year that some community member is paying for because of my dedication in orchestra.

Everything felt surreal once the tournament had ended. For Saturday night, Sunday, and today I deliberated in my mind over whether to go to Australia or to nationals. I was bouncing back and forth in my decision. Most of today I was almost decided that I was going to Australia, because it would be really, really fun, very relaxing, and my last trip with Erin and Brittany. But tonight I think I decided to go to nationals. I am not 100% sure yet, but I believe that if I work hard I have a chance, and I have sure worked hard for the chance to go in the first place.

I think there will definitely be major regrets no matter which one I choose, but I think that although Australia would definitely be more fun, I would always be angry at myself for giving up my last chance at debate, which I truly love.