Sunday, June 04, 2006

It seems like every day I just do what it takes to live for ten more minutes, and that's it. I used to be alive... now I'm just surviving mostly.
Yesterday I got invited to two parties, went to neither. I couldn't stand the thought of standing around and getting hit in the head every once in a while with a frisbee. I felt like cutting my other wrist, but after some internal debate I decided to do the responsible thing. My parents and I went to Tropical Snow. Erin was working. Just seeing her helped. But not enough. I still felt all crazy, so I went to a movie with Brittany. (The Da Vinci Code). That got me through until 11 p.m., which got me through until I went to sleep, which got me through until this morning. And then there was church which pulled me through until noon. I came home and I made a collage about Josh, which tortured me but kept me alive until 2. Then I tried to do some homework and I started losing it again. Everything fuzzes in and out. I can't stop and think because I start panicking and hyperventalating. I can't think. I think about the past and it's like this bittersweet hole that consumes me. I think about the future and I get that fluttering sick feeling again. I think about now and I want to kill myself, because I'm not really here, I'm doing the one thing that I hate- surviving, turning off the feelings, breathing for ten more minutes.
I think my parents think I'm handling this Josh thing. I think everyone does. But I'm just good at swallowing it all, at dealing with crap when I have to. It just works to get me through. It's all building up though, inside of me, and the craziness is coming back. I feel crazy crazy crazy. I want to feel but I don't want to feel. I finally quit feeling about Josh and everyone seeing him but me and talking to him but me. I finally just shut it all off because I couldn't handle it anymore.
Erin says I feel things more deeply than everyone else. I guess she's right. I don't really know why. I wish I didn't sometimes, and sometimes I'm so glad I do.

Tonight I was starting to get all panicky and weird again so I watched another movie (Redeye). I've realized that watching movies is the only thing that connects me, grounds me, when I'm floating away. So I do it a lot when I'm trying to keep my heart beating for just two hours. Then I can do something else.

Every once in a while I stop and I just cry, although I don't really understand that because all the feelings keep getting shut off. I don't know what I'm crying about. Everything.

You know why I'm writing this? To live five more minutes. Because while I'm typing this, it doesn't matter that Josh is somewhere, happy and alive, and I'm just surviving because I'm lost without him in some way I could have never expected. While I'm typing this it's okay that I feel totally alone and hollow and eaten-up inside. While I'm typing this it's okay that I'm numb and can't feel and that everything starts going black when I think about that girl that kissed Josh. While I'm typing this, I can be sure that I am safe.

But in a few seconds I will hit "publish post" and everything will be variable again. It's kinda late though. I might read, and that might get me to bed. And then I will sleep. I love sleep. Last night I had a dream about Ariel, even though I've never seen her, and she was holding me on a couch as I cried, and I felt so safe. I can't feel like that in real life. So I guess those dreams are the only times I'm really alive right now.

That's so messed up, isn't it? I want this to go away but I don't know how. I'm losing control again in a bad way. I can't look at anything or it starts swirling. I can't think becuase there are too many voices in my head. I wouldn't want to think anyway.

I feel so horrible... I want to throw up all this pain and misery and anger. No, anger is what I need. I realize that I feel the most lucid when I'm angry. Not angry enough to cut, not angry at anyone or anything, bust just angry at the world. But I don't want to have to be angry or asleep to feel alive. I just feel safer when I'm angry, I guess. When I'm sad so much can hurt me.

Am I sad? Not in the conventional way. But yes, I am sad, horrible sad. So sad that everything is melting away.
Posted by at

2 comments:

Will said...

Lindsey, I came accross Josh's blog and tried to post but wouldn't work. I know I am a complete stranger but we share so much. These words below are for you too.

"Hey Guy,

Well I was just bored and started clicking on the links in the "favorite books" section of my profile to look at some other blogs. After selecting "Miracle of Forgiveness" I came across yours.

David A. Bednar gave a talk last year called "The Tender Mercies of the Lord". In it he discussed some examples of moments that we are all reminded that we are known and loved individually by our Father in Heaven. As I read some of your blog, which I understand is very personal, I too was reminded that God knows me and loves me.

I guess I am not as courageous as you in being so open about my own struggles and dark things in my life that have resulted both from the actions of others and my own choices. I have spent so long feeling like God had left me alone. I still feel like- for a time- He did, and I don't know why.

But somehow, slowly, I am feeling His light again. It is as though a storm moved in by no choice of my own and began to pour down its rain on my life. And-just as suddenly, again by no choice of my own- a ray of sun light, a promising ray of sun broke through a solid overcast. I don't think I can say it has stopped raining, but I have been reminded that there is something beautiful above the clouds.

Your words also reminded me that I am not alone. It's not that I am happy or relieved that someone else has pain. As I read some of your words I literally felt a phsyical nausea in me as I could completely relate and understand what you were saying. But sometimes- especially in the Church- there is not a lot out there to help those who may have demons that are rarely spoken of. Sometimes knowing others are out there like you is comfort enough. Today this recognition of not being alone coupled with awe for your courage has been to me a tender mercy of the Lord.

I wish you well. I want to share with you something that has always brought me comfort. It is a quote from Jeffrey R. Holland. He said:

"Because he must ultimately tread this winepress of redemption unaided, can he endure the darkest moment of them all, the shock of the greatest pain? This comes not with thorns and with nails, but with the terror of feeling utterly alone: “Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani? … My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?” (Mark 15:34.) Can he bear all of our sins and our fear and loneliness too? He did and he does and he will."

The power of the atonement I have learned is so much greater than to only redeem us of our own sins. Christ's suffering also offers relief from the actions of others toward us, relief from frustration, pain, guilt, loneliness. He offers peace from the things that bring us down. I don't know the key to finding it all the time, but I have felt enough to give me hope to keep trying. I hope you will too.

With compassion,
Will"

6/05/2006 8:23 AM
Lindsay said...

thank you for that comment. i really, really needed to hear that right now, and it was an answer to a prayer.

6/06/2006 3:52 PM

Post a Comment

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)