What happens when everything is lying on the ground... Do you pick up the pieces all around? And if the world should fall apart hold on to what you know... take your chances turn around and go.

I don't know what to think or feel at the moment. Civitan was pretty amazing in a lot of ways, and totally completely miserable in others. I will write more later, as I've been whitewater rafting all day an am exhuasted right now.

One time, when I was fourteen, I fell totally in love with this boy named Sam. Every time I saw him my heart would skip ten beats. I loved him for a year. Then we had our eighth grade graduation dance. When he danced with me, I felty like I had escaped my body somehow and transcended all of my misery. He held my hand and I thought I had it made.

The next week I watched him kissing one of my best friends. I'll still remember the way my stomach felt in that instant, knowing that I was just one dance. He went on to be in love with her for two years... I loved him secretly. Some part of me probably still loves him, but I let it go as much as I could, as it hurt so, so badly.

em·pa·thy

1. Identification with and understanding of another's situation, feelings, and motives.
   

Sometimes, when I look at someone, somehow I can feel some of what they're feeling. Maybe it is that I see myself in them; maybe it is that I can imagine their emotions. Maybe the way I feel when I look at them isn't the way they're really feeling at all but rather the way I would be feeling if I was them. It doesn't matter, I think; it's all empathy in the end.

That's what Civitan was. There was a small amazing spark of happiness exploding inside of me. But every minute there was that suffocating punch of empathy. So much I felt like crying a lot.

I didn't eat part of the time, not much anyway; I was cycling like crazy from hyper to really depressed; I felt like everything was spiralling out of control. But I got my hope back, when I thought it was lost.

I can't say it wasn't worth it, to get him back. I can't lie. But it did hurt- more, I think, than anyone will know. I kept remembering watching Kayte kiss Sam at morp in ninth grade and the way my stomach dissolved in that instant...

and it hurt so much.

I hate myself when I cause pain.