Lots of interesting things have been happening, some of which I will deliberately never post about. But anyway, I went to the cross-town game Friday night. It was fun. Emma, Siobhan, Erin, Jo Anna, and I made shirts that said something like "Bengal: natural predator of the Bruins; winner of crosstown football" on the front and "Bruin: see Bengal meat" on the back. I painted a white pawprint on one cheek and "HHS" on the other. I had to do the HHS twice because the first time I was looking in the mirror and it ended up backwards, which made everyone laugh at me and me laugh at myself.
I was at first really depressed at the game and I was getting squashed between these obnoxious junior girls and my friends and everything seemed really loud and close and far away. The hatred for Capital was palapable and horrible; it reminded me of racism or expanded patriotism. A fear of anything or anyone different. Then Josh called though, and I became much happier. I couldn't really hear him with all the shouting, but suddenly my mood bounced instantly to hyper and happy. I started cheering really loudly with everyone else; I payed attention to the football game (which I understand now); I didn't mind getting squashed. In fact, when the junior girls next to me told my friends and I to get our freshman a**es to the back of the bleachers I really enjoyed their faces when Jo Anna told them we were seniors and shoved one of them off of the bench.
The game was very exciting; it went into an extended overtime. We don't win cross-town very often (I think Friday was the second win in eighteen years or so) so everyone was pretty keyed up.
At one point someone poured beer on my hair so I smelled like a brewery; then a Capital girl came and sprayed Mountain Dew all over the HHS student section and the obnoxious junior girls next to me rallied a crowd to go beat her up. I hope she's alright.
When we won everyone went pouring onto the field, even Erin and I (we'd lost Siobhan, Emma, and Jo Anna at that point), although with not quite as much vigor as everyone else. All in all, I really had a fun time after Josh called and my mood changed. It makes me realize I would enjoy life a lot better if I could just keep my mood up.

Yesterday I had my MIT interview. It didn't go very well. He didn't really ask me questions or look at my portfolio; he just told me about MIT, which wasn't helpful since that's why I drove to Salt Lake on Tuesday and he didn't tell me anything new.

I'm not going to go into this now or ever, but I found out I am decidedly not asexual, which makes me happy. That doesn't mean, however, that I will ever feel anything when with guys. I guess I'll just stop worrying and wait several years and then find out.

I decided that guilt is something that you feel because of some sense of external obligation; you feel like your actions were wrong, and the reason they were wrong is that they didn't conform with what society expects of you and what you believe you should expect of yourself. Shame, however, isn't the feeling that your actions are wrong, but rather that you are fundamentally wrong, that you are at the core somehow centrally inadequate, and not just because society says so, but becuase you know so with a very deep conviction. Somehow you are flawed; your nature is wrong. I think that's how I feel. I feel shame.

I know all these people love me, but it feels like I'm deceiving them becuase the don't understand that at my very center there is something very wrong. I want them to understand that so they'll hate me like they should, but I also need their love. It gets very mixed up.