spill

Three posts in a day... I haven't done that since January. Gosh I'm a freak. I kinda quit writing in this because nobody reads it... nobody ever reads it. And that was okay, it started as some weird perverse self-discovery thing in an attempt to quit making myself throw up all the time, and it sort of worked and sort of didn't. But I look at people, lots of my friends, who have these big public blogs and I wonder if I even have enough friends to post a single comment and I wonder if I have enough guts to slit myself open to the world and all my friends like that. I haven't really talked to anyone about myself at all in a year. Besides Amanda. Everything just is hibernating inside of me, and I kinda feel like I got of a train that my friends were all on and nobody noticed I'm gone and it's still going a long ways away and it's too late to run screaming after it and was I ever brave enough anyway?
I feel like I'm slipping into the cracks. Like everyone has forgotten I exist. When I'm with my friends, I analyze everything I do and I realize I must be annoying. I annoy the he** out of myself. I just want to spare them the misery of being with me.
Tonight I wanted to overdose again on anything because I've gained two pounds and I don't understand, all I ate today was cereal and a piece of bread. LIFE MAKES NO SENSE. I am SO FREAKING FRUSTERATED WITH MY WEIGHT!!!! That and the self injury are what's left, the remnants of a healing, an exorcism. I've managed to regain control and self confidence in my careful medicated (Lithium, Seraquel, Welbutrin) existance, but I still flounder in the bulimia and the cutting. There is a cut on my leg only beginning to heal. And I didn't regret it like I said everything fell apart when my aunt went to the hospital.

A year ago today in a few weeks my dad tried to kill himself. And I tried to talk to him about it in the car the other day, and he said he really did want to die. And I exhausted so much strength in bringing up the topic that I couldn't say "WHAT ABOUT ME???? SCREW YOU YOU ALMOST LEFT ME BEHIND!!!!" because I'm finally beginning to realize, I really am mad, I really am.

I'm doing better than I was I suppose, I don't want to kill myself like I did. I feel so alone though. Nobody knew I was taking all those pills, nobody knew I was cutting my wrists, nobody knew how sick I felt as I sprawled over the toilet every Sunday to purge the binge... nobody knows how unclean I feel when I eat, when I realize I've gained more weight. I've made SO much progress, I don't want to turn back, but it has been months since it all crashed and I'm still having so much trouble with the eating! It used to be so natural, and now it's so unnatural it drives me INSANE.

Here's what I'm complaining about... nobody knows anything about me anymore. And when I used to tell people, I was too intense, too painful. Now I'm a pathetic creature having a pity part in a blog that nobody reads or knows exists.

crap life. fine. in english. it's better in spanish or german. viva mierda. schiest (sp?) life.