summer... why does it hurt so bad?

I need to start writing again. I think that every time I stop writing I start floating away. The letter came from Scholastic. A form letter. I didn't write this year and maybe that's why I'm losing everything. The words won't come. I've lost it.
I went to Civitan. Jane was there. It hurt because of that. It hurt even though I flirted with an angel, it hurt even though i ate rhubarb pie one night and didn't puke. It hurt because no matter where I went she was there and I couldn't forget middle school, that first day I saw her, and she was so broken by Las Vegas. How could we have had it in us to fix her? How could she have it in her to break us?
On the way home, we were all there, and Jay who I loved in seventh grade, and I was so happy, remembering Josh, the boy that loved me, thinking of Matt, the boy I love, but I felt so empty and aching and I realized it's because nothing's infinite anymore. In sixth grade when everyone hated me it was okay because things were so huge, and I wasn't even 12 and I got straight A's without caring. And now everything is so small... Jane is leaving, and I can't stop remembering the pizza, the phone calls, the water fights, the games of mafia, Pily's accent... it's a big tornado in my head of the things that I loved that I lost and I can't stop it and should I blame Jane? Is it really her fault?
My gosh I forgot to talk about prom in my haste to fall apart... It was wonderful. I may have been beautiful or ugly it didn't matter. He kept kissing me and making me feel alive and there and we were running from Mr. George the math teacher, I swear he was stalking us. The water came out of fountains and there were mints in the bathrooms and strawberries on a humongous platter and could I ever be that happy again, even if i tried? I'm not a huge fan of PDA but everyone was kissing and i felt safe kissing Matt, and not dirty for once.
Summer came like rain when I was blistered and dehydrated and Siobhan and JoAnna and Emma and Kyrstin and me drove almost to Butte and then back past Boulder to a place where we roasted marshmallows and I filmed and we all laughed, and I wondered how many of us were actually happy? Kyrstin, Emma maybe. I was happy, but I was all empty again, I get like that when I'm happy, because I know I'm going to lose it, because we're all graduating in two years and leaving each other like Jane is leaving me now. I wonder if I'm breaking anything the way Jane did? I wonder if I could try, just for a day, to be totally happy like I was at the prom, and not think about the finiteness of my life, the necessity of death? Virginia Woolf mentions it in Mrs. Dalloway, something about did it not become comforting to know that death comes absolutely? There's an end, there's always and end and I am so morbid that that's all I can think of with happiness, when finally everything is in its place and I love Matt and Josh loves me and I love all my suffering friends and my period came back, and all I can think is, does it not become horrible, to know, that all this must end?