no fireworks at this finale

Anger. It is still not something I am used to feeling attached to a person (other than my mother). It feels so heavy but invisible in my veins. The nueron charges aren't used to charging. The paths almost become a memory.

Ariel called today. She said that Josh has been touching her friend Jen (with clothes on both) between the legs with his hands and his knees. Ariel said that Jen is the most innocent person ever. She doesn't want this. She doesn't like Josh that way. And I bet Josh doesn't like her that way either.

It seems like unobtrusive enough news in the maelstrom of bad news I've been getting from him or about him lately. Probably better than his attempts to get illegal drugs, or drink. But still, you can push me and push me and push me and I will break suddenly. I will stretch with the stress for so long that you will forget my original shape, but eventually, someday, I will break without prelude.

I love that boy. I love him fiercely. When I become attached to people, I don't let go easily. In fact, I have never let go of someone really. Even those that have pushed me away and hurt me, I still hold on to them. I'm not letting go of Josh ever. I know that I won't. If he were to ever come back to me, happy and healthy and clean, I would forgive him of everything he's ever done to me or anyone.

But now... I am so angry with him now. He says with his words that he loves me. He shows me with these actions that his words are just lies. I won't make excuses for him anymore. I won't defend him. He's messed up, and I have been hurt because of him. I would say he hurt me, but my mom told me a long time ago that people don't have the power of hurting you or making you mad- you let them. I guess I just let people hurt me a lot. Anyway, he is hurting me more now than he ever has before just by destroying himself. He's proving he doesn't care about himself, and our church, and through everything me. He's proving he doesn't care about me.

He's hurt me. He's messed up. I think he belongs in a hospital right now. I prayed last night about whether or not to try to date other guys in the next year and this could be my answer. I will never let go of Josh. I don't do that. I put up with things. I have put up with so much from him. I have stood with him through everything. But I can't stand with him through this, because it defies me. I can't stand in this storm, because this storm could rip me apart forever.

I love him, always, always. But I will not go down with him in flames. I will not fall with him when he's not acting like he even cares about me.

Love, anyway, for me, has always been about more than romance.

It doesn't end with flames, really, or fireworks, or smoke, or anything but this tiny tug on the tension I have become. I break cleanly, smoothly. Later I will read over this and wonder if I really mean it. Right now I'm telling this future self- I do. It's time. It's done.