the past week

I'm back. I am going to try to condense everything that happened both internally and externally in the past week into some sort of coherent non-boring entry.
First, the whole Maui-thing... It was really fun. We went snorkelling a lot (I finally, on my third visit to Hawaii, saw the state fish- the humuhumunukunukuapua'a), boogie-boarding in 8-10 foot waves (not very safe and definitely painful), horseback-riding into the crater (or rather erroded caldera-thing), parasailing, luau-ing, and driving around many one-lane two-way roads that had sheer drops (like 200 feet) off into the sea (during which I cursed my father for only driving with one hand and glancing at my mother regularly as they talked about the rental-car payment).

It was very fun and beautiful. It wasn't too hot, but the humidity made it feel hotter. I enjoyed the time with Siobhan, who I haven't done much with lately.

At the same time that all of this was happening, though, I was ceaselessly reading my science magazines (Discover), trying to catch up on all the issues I didn't have time to read during the school year; reading the philosophy book Morgan so generously gave me full of Camus' essays; reading Batman and Daredevil comic books (they are my favorites because they have no fancy super-powers or unexplainable gadgets (excepting Daredevil's four heightened senses)- they just care about society); playing Final Fantasy IV (yes, it's good, but I am stuck because I can't beat these sludge things without magic and my only magic-capable character runs out of MP points quickly and I'm stuck in a cave far away from ethers); reading a book about the history of partical physics; and thinking- thinking thinking thinking.

There was this incredibly dichotomy building between the physical motions of snorkeling and such that my body was going through and the rigors my mind was going through. In fact I didn't pay a lot of attention to what we were physically doing, which I'm sure I will eventually regret. I was just thinking. I was thinking about philosophy, and what happens when you take logic so far that it collapses in on itself and cannot sustain. I thought about the deserts that Camus talked about. It seemed like a choice between two things- living in actual or simulated ignorance of the lack of real meaning or purpose, and actually creating that purpose through sheer will or ignorance, or relentlessly pursuing truth in the Camus-like fashion, even if it means that there is no meaning, even if it means you will never really have hope or be happy and the only thing you live for is to be in constant defiance of your own futility, facing reality even if it holds no reason to ever be sane. That's a hard choice. What I got the most from reading Camus was that I wasn't alone. The things he was saying that I can't articulate to people are the things that I am feeling. Doestoevsky (I know I spelled that wrong) also seemed like he was down this path... It's a scary place. I kept going from Camus to science as a sort of change in faith. When I read Camus I doubted the validity of everything; I hung out in that desert of thought where one can really go insane. When I read the science, I was showing a faith in this world, a faith in the fact that things mattered, that even if there was no objective meaning we could still create it as a social phenomenon (which, if the meanings humanity presently accepts are not really true, has already happened). What is more important- knowing and living the truth, or being happy?

It seemed more noble to me to choose truth, more fatalistic, more dramatic and raw. I have always been pursuing truth even as I spun lies. Now I have the option of chasing it. But if it runs into insanity... if it runs into a complete loss of hope or the knife-blade existence that Camus describes... I don't know. Maybe I would rather retreat from the philosophy and go back to living what may be a lie. Maybe it's worth it, if it makes me happy. Even if it's not real, it can give me a peace that this truth may never yield.

Of course, the existence of God fixes everything. But I have become less capable of faith.

All of this was going on in my mind. It seemed to be my primary existence. The snorkelling and sight-seeing and everything were just annoying things tugging at my attention. Finally I got severely sunburned because I wasn't really paying attention. My face got 2nd degree burns and blistered all over. Every time I touched it something would pop and clear lymph fluid would leak out. Today it is all hard like scar tissue, preparing to peel like mad I fear. This sort of woke me up from my reverie (but which world is real?). Also I quit eating meat, but I still ate fish. Siobhan told me that I can't label myself as a vegetarian if I eat fish, so I guess I wasn't a vegetarian in Hawaii, but I am now, because I never eat fish at home. I guess protein will become an issue. Also we kept eating so much... I'm used to just eating breakfast. I fear I gained two pounds. I'm exhausted right now, as we flew all night (miracle of miracles- I actually got six hours of sleep on airplanes!), but I am going to go run four miles. I think it will make me feel a lot better.

The problem of the parallel existences of my mind and body became really apparent. I guess I just don't feel connected sometimes. I pay attention to my body only to cut it and starve it and neglect to sunscreen it. I obsess constantly over my thoughts, no matter what I am doing physically. I need both of these worlds to interact, and I need them to be equally real to me.

Anyway, my career choice is I suppose a bizarre mix of these two uncertainties. It is a science, which makes me put faith in the reality and meaning of everything, but it is also in some cases being reduced to philosophy, which breeds skepticism and wild hypothesis through only dialectic reasoning, not evidence.

Currently, I feel completely shut off from Ariel or Josh or even people here like Morgan etc. which makes me irrationally angry. It's funny, all this rational thinking, all of this thought breeding on thought, and I still feel these irrational emotions. Like I said, though, there is a time when logic fails...

Amidst all this I am also obsessing over politics, and how angry I am with the American government right now and it's foreign policies and its ignorance of science and new fuel opportunities that could get us off oil. We are completely ignoring the very real (I've done a lot of reading) threat of globing warming and the overconsumption of oil. I think that the first real step would be to start making some serious moves away from oil. I think it would eventually help foreign policies (less pressure on the Middle East), the American economy, and most long-term importantly, the environment.

Well at the end of this rambling inchorent post that failed my objective... Maui was nice. The fish were pretty. There is sand everywhere in my suitcase.