too much philosophy

A man whose mind feels that it is captive would prefer to blind himself to the fact. But if he hates falsehood, he will not do so; and in that case he will have to suffer a lot. He will beat his head against the wall until he faints. He will come to again and look with terror at the wall, until one day he begins afresh to beat his head against it; and once again he will faint. And so on endlessly and without hope.

One day he will wake up on the other side of the wall.
- Simone Weil

I am lost. I talked to Shea for two hours today about everything that has been confusing me for months, and it helped a lot. I do believe that someday I will find a feasible philosophy for me. Maybe not today. Our discussion did give me lots of new material to obsess over. I will reach a conclusion. I guess it's too late for ignorance. Dang my debate coach.

Today was an okay day full of chromosome-spreadsheets, scooter-riding (with gas at $3.09/gallon there's definitely going to be more of that and bike-riding, despite the fact that I live on a hill), and crying (over Josh of course) until I found this. Dumbledore cannot be dead! He was supposed to have horcruxes somehow! This is horrible! I love Dumbledore!

It is odd, to spend a day doing science, crying over love, doubting the existence of... anything and everything... and then caring so much about fictional characters in a book. Pulled in all directions, like taffee or something. That's my life as (as my mom continually reminds me) a dilletante.

I talked to Ariel. She might go around Josh's parents to child protective service or something to try to get him away from his brother and in a safe place.

If nothing is real, why do so many things hurt so much?