I feel like I keep complaining about the same things over and over. But they don't go away. I think that's probably my fault. I think I should fix them. I think I should be accountable.

My mom and I do not get along. At all. I don't know whose fault it is. I would love to blame her for all of my anger and stress, because I'm usually doing pretty well when I come home from school but after I'm with her a while I get very angry and anxious. And I argue, I guess. I know it's partially my fault. I talk back. I don't let her walk all over me. I fight.

When I was about nine I figured out that if when she was yelling at me and such I remained calm then she would probably get even more angry than if I argued, but she wouldn't be able to justify screaming or hitting me as easily. So I started telling myself "stiff as a board" every time I felt myself starting to get angry. I would stand there and stay calm with rage boiling like lava inside of me, so I felt like all of my insides were bubbling against my skin, expanding to the point of explosion... but I got pretty good at it. I swallowed the anger like bad medicine; I kept it all inside.

I'm not as good at that as I used to be, and I need to start doing it again. I get so angry. I'm not an angry person, I'm really not. But I get SO incredibly angry at my mom. I feel like hurting something. I never really feel like hurting her, just myself, or I feel like taking everything breakable in the house and throwing it as hard as I can against the ground. It's so satisfying to see things shatter, to know you caused it. I don't know how to deal with the anger I have towards my mom. I need to start trying the stiff as a board thing again. I need to stop fighting. I need to swallow all of that rage (swallow all your bitter pills, that's what makes you beautiful...).

It makes me so angry, though. When I was young, I watched my brother and my mom rage, worse fights than my mom and I have ever been in. He screamed at her every day. He told her he hated her. I watched it all turn to self-pity in her. I watched her cry, victimize herself. I told myself I would never do to her what my brother did. I promised myself I would be a better child. I would never make her stay up all night aching with worry. I would never, ever tell her I hated her. I would never do anything as bad as Craig did.

And that was my life... that was my goal in life. I wanted to make her happy. I wanted to be the opposite of Craig. I wanted to be good enough for her. I wanted to be the child that didn't cause her trouble. But through everything she always said to me, "You're acting just like Craig!"

I don't think any other five words could sting a heart as badly as those words stung mine. It was like she was saying, "I know everything that you want to be in life; I know all of your secrets, your dreams, your aspirations. I know that, and I know how to hurt you the most: you'll never accomplish them. You'll fail at them all."

All I ever wanted was to be good enough, and every day she told me I was failing.

Let me tell you how unfair it is... my mom and my brother get along perfectly right now. They have for years. No more fights. My mom accepts my brother for who he is. My brother completely supports my mom, or at least it seems like it. He and I don't really talk anymore about anything other than money and jobs.

He's the one that fought with her! He's the one that did all of those horrible things to her! He's the one that told her he hated her for weeks on end, that ran away, that stole her car, that broke her heart!

But his relationship with her is better than mine with her will ever be. There are no secret animosities in that relationship. There is no buried rage, because my brother never buried it; he always bore it in his screaming and his anger. I swallow, swallow, swallow all those pills. Why? Because I want to be the good child! I want to be the one she loves!

It's so unfair! All he ever did was hurt her, and she forgave him for every bit of it. He never tried to honor her; he never tried to follow her wishes; he never respected her. My whole life I have struggled to do all of those things. But I told someone something. I made her a villain. I drove a wedge between us.

And now he's on her side, and every night my mom and I argue.

I'M THE ONE THAT CARED!!! I'M THE ONE THAT TRIED!!! I'M THE ONE THAT WATCHES YOU CRY, AND HATES MYSELF FOR EVERY TEAR!! I'M THE ONE THAT DID EVERYTHING SO YOU WOULD BE PROUD OF ME! I'M THE ONE THAT WANTED YOUR APPROVAL, THAT NEVER REBELLED!!

why can't you love me like you love him?
why wasn't it ever enough?
how can I be enough for you?

I'm the one now that's fighting to maintain a relationship with you, fighting to be forgiven, but it's him you talk to without anger. It's him you're really proud of.

I'm so bitter. So angry, so resentful. And I hate those feelings. I hate them so much. And I know I'm allowing them to coalesce within me, and it makes me hate myself for not stopping it, because I know I must have the power to stop it within me somewhere.

i want to be good enough for you, because that is what my life has been about, and if you tell me i have failed at that...
then what am i?