fear

Science Bowl went alright. We got sixth, so should have advanced to double elimination rounds, but were knocked out because of some absurd rule I don't want to explain. I think, though, that had we gone on, we would have probably gotten third or fourth, because we hit the team that won, and we tied with them.

That's not the point though. Last night in the hotel room, Siobhan breathing next to me, with the glow of the TV cutting through the darkness and cold, I realized how completely paralyzed by terror I am. I don't know how to explain it. I don't feel like talking about it verbally. It seems like no one would understand. I am carved into my own little world by a fear so deep that it undercuts any meaning, and significance, any hope. That's what happened to me this summer, except to a worse degree. Right now it's building up again though. I have to stop it but I don't know how. I'm just so scared of life. I'm scared of moving away, of growing up, of changing, of leaving my bedroom, of going anywhere anytime.

Anyway, I don't know how to describe it. It just makes me want to curl into a little ball in my room with a lot of books and movies and never move, but it also makes me absolutely terrified of doing that. It's not very fun.

Erin's going to come over now and watch a movie with me. It sounds really nice right now. I need the distraction of friendship. And Josh is talking to me. :-)