This will be a selfish post, I will warn you. Of course Morgan told me all blogging is selfish. I've been thinking about this. I think it's only partially true. But it has a ring of truth to it.
Before I proceed to be selfish, I wanted to tell you I'm still understanding perspective (and telling you this may just be another selfish action to justify myself). I read this tonight, and I realized the world is a lot bigger and more terrible than my own feelings of selfishness. I don't understand at all what could drive a person to do that to another person, but it did restore my sense of perspective. Really, my life is quite small. I do realize that, even if my own realization negates itself with selfishness.
First off, about my small world: I got fourth place at the debate tournament. I lost in semi-finals again. My preliminary record was 4-1. The semi-final round was interesting, but I'm done complaining or feeling angry. Life goes on, and I did quite well. (I have become better at emotionally dealing with losing.)
But now about selfishness itself and its inherent conundrum. First off, it is selfish of me to tell you I feel selfish, because it could just be attention seeking. I don't feel like I'm telling you this just to seek attention, but I could still sub-consciously be doing it for attention, which means I'm actually perpetuating selfishness by talking about it.
What if everything I do or so is really just to elicit a sympathetic response? That makes accountability into selfishness. Sure, I was selfish today, but my admittance just makes me even more selfish. It is so confusing. When I think about it my logic and rationality just chase each other in circles. There is no alternative to selfishness. And the minute I type that, I really capitulate to selfishness.
Bah. I sound like Rand.
I guess what I think isn't that people don't care about me or know me, it's that maybe I am somehow unconsciously manipulating them, so that the front I project isn't actually me, and the sympathy I get isn't deserved, and my selfishness is inadequately hidden by accountability.
I don't know.
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5 comments:
As confusing as it sounds when it comes out of your mouth, I've had the same thoughts. Sometimes I go too far with them. It makes it hard to participate in social events when you start to think that what people are wearing is really just a way to conceal who they really are and manipulate you into thinking something about that. Maybe that's why I've always had such a tough time with make-up--why would I want you to be attracted to the made-up version of me, when that's not really me? Hmm.
Of course I didn't mean it's particularly confusing coming from _your_ mouth, Lindsay. Guess that's one of the times I could've used "one" without sounding uppity. :)
"I don't feel like I'm telling you this just to seek attention, but I could still sub-consciously be doing it for attention, which means I'm actually perpetuating selfishness by talking about it."
No, it means you *could* be perpetuating selfishness by talking about it, if you are indeed subconsciously doing it for attention. If you're not, then it's not perpetuating selfishness.
"What if everything I do or so is really just to elicit a sympathetic response? That makes accountability into selfishness."
No, accountability is still a way for you to look at your progress in other areas, or even to examine your progress with selfishness. Even if it is actually selfish, the fact that it helps in other areas makes up for that. And I don't believe it is.
"the front I project isn't actually me, and the sympathy I get isn't deserved, and my selfishness is inadequately hidden by accountability."
I know you. And I love you.
first off- i do not think blogging is inherently selfish. there has been a lot of talk recently about blogging and narcisscism, an accusation i am interested in, but one that i do not necessarily agree with.
secondly, not all selfishness is the same. there is nothing wrong with a)being open with the people you are close to, or b)caring about performing well in a hobby. this simply demonstrates that you care about yourself and your relationships, and if that is selfish, then it is a positive form of it.
and finally, to be a negative thing, those behaviors would, as you said, have to be a manipulative guise. i do not think they are because 1)you can't be subconciously manipulative, it's an oxymoron, and the fact that you are thinking about the possibility and can't indict yourself for being manipulative without it being subconcious proves that you're not. another point would be that you regard myself and others as quite intelligent, and if that is case, do you really think we're so wrong about you?
it's entirely possible to recognize that people behave selfishly without claiming that selfishness underpins all action. noticing that behavior in yourself does not make you more selfish, it gives you perspective ;)
*points above*
That is what I was trying to say.
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