recount

I don't have the energy to adequately explain what has happened over the past few weeks. So I will briefly go over it.

I'm assuming Josh is no longer reading this blog. Josh, if you are reading it, I am assuming from now on that you are not.

I broke up with Josh because it wasn't working. Maybe it was never working, but my undelying love for him was so great that it was able to overcome the problems. Things just broke after prom. I couldn't do it anymore. I hit a weakness inside of me that I was no longer willing to overcome. I was no longer willing to be exhausted, pushed aside by my self-created obligations. I cried for a long time before I told Josh that I needed to take a break.

I started dating Patrick, and I was happier than I'd been in years. I felt free, liberated after years of imprisonment. It was hard because I felt terrible about Josh, but I felt like for the first time I was doing something for me, not Josh. That made me feel both terribly selfish and terribly in control.

One night I talked to Josh, and I was able to try to explain the way I had always felt, and I think that for the first time, he really understood. We agreed to just be friends. The days after that felt absolutely complete. I could finally talk to Josh.

However (and this I will probably never explain on this blog), my relationship with Pat ended up hurting Josh (understandably), so that the pain I guess overcame his friendship for me. Last night he got justifiably really upset, and he called me a whore and said I never cared about him, that I'm selfish, that I don't listen to him, etc. It really hurt, but I listened because I believed he needed to say it. He needed a purgation. He told me he wasn't going to talk to me for months, and I didn't want him to not be able to tell me these things before he left. So he said them, and I said sorry and good bye. I felt like my mom was talking to me. It made me feel the same way.

Today I have been oscillating between anger at Josh for calling me a whore and those other things, and great sadness because some part of me believes I am a whore, and all of me knows that he said it because I really, genuinely, truly hurt him. I hurt him very badly. And that thought is almost unbearable.

I cannot regret what happened/is happening with Pat, but I do regret the way I handled telling it to Josh.

I didn't feel like I could talk to anyone today. I can always talk to Erin, I guess, but I was with her and JoAnna this weekend when the news began to hit, and they were there for me (along with Pat) then when I first felt the pain. I knew Erin was sick of hearing about Josh, as he has been the standing topic of conversation since she met me. I couldn't exactly call Pat, as it was the middle of school. So I retreated within myself and struggled to reconcile the things that Josh said with my own emotions, feelings, and fears. I realized that I have to forgive Josh for calling me those things, and I have to forgive myself for hurting him. The only real solution to any sort of offense is always forgiveness. Animosity, anger, revenge... they get you nowhere. Josh hurt me. I feel that he completely abandoned me in a way that I would never abandon him. But he also feels hurt, and he was just telling me what he really thought. It was the truth, which I would value over a reconciling lie. I can find it within me to love Josh no matter what he does. I wish him the best. I can find it within myself to let go of my anger and to move on with my life.

It's not easy though.

I saw Pat after school, and he helped me. Ariel helped me, Rylee helped me, Erin helped me, Jen helped me. I will get through this. And I hope Josh will too.