falling in like

Today I ran into a glass door. I didn't think that it was really possible to do that. You see it in the movies a lot. I guess it is an achievable feat. I was running down the stairs, and I reached out for the door handle, and I just smashed my face into the door. I even left a make-up smudge. While on the topic, I also tried to jump the last seven stairs today. I did that all the time when I was younger. Well I guess I'm taller now, or had more lift or something, because I smashed my head against this edge where the ceiling surfaces meet at a 90-degree angle (the edge is the width of my stairs and is above them). I'm really surprised it didn't knock me out. However, it just smashed me to the bottom of the stairs where I landed flat and got the wind knocked out of me. I also have a nice little wound on the top of my head now.

Anyway, same story with my mental state, I'm not okay when I'm alone, I'm okay when I'm with friends or family or people I can connect to.

Tonight I spent the evening with Siobhan, JoAnna, and their (our) newly acquired (like by one week) friend Pat, who debates at the rival school and is an amazing policy debater. He went to nationals this year. I watched his final round at state and was... awed. Anyway, I've known him for two years but only through debate. Tonight I got to know him as a person. He's really, really nice.

We tried to go roast marshmallows at this garden place but I guess there is a prohibition of fire due to the current fire-prone condition here, so we came to my house and roasted marshmallows on my barbeque. It was really fun. Then we went to that Will Farrell racing movie (I won't try to spell the title), which I thought was good except for some of the discriminatory characteristics it attached to America.

I really enjoyed meeting Pat. By the movie, I realized that I was rather attracted to him. He is single, but there are several reasons it would probably not work out: 1) He has a lot of friends, so I am really nothing to him 2) When he met me tonight I was wearing a band-aid on my nose to keep myself from peeling it (OCD-driven peeling), and my cheeks look like tectonic plates, so I'm not that attractive at the moment, and even at my best I can't touch the attractiveness of many of his friends. I can only hope to have some other endearing quality 3) He goes to the other school, so I don't see him a lot, although I will see him more now that he has invaded my friend group 4) Kyrstin likes him. I have run into this problem before. Kyrstin liked Matt at the same time I did, before I went out with him when I was still trying to attract him somehow.

Anyway, also I don't have his email or anything, so I'd have to call him, and I'm not so good on phones. I guess that I might call him and ask him to coffee sometime to just get to be his friend when my face finally heals.

I have horrible object inconsistency. I know I promised Josh not to kiss anyone for three months, and it seemed very real when I promised him, but now I can't really imagine him. I don't know if he loves me. Some part of me wants to run away from him before he could hurt me by leaving me. I still love him though, immensely. The whole situation is just so difficult right now, and he's just so messed up. I will never leave him, but I feel like I need some sort of healthy dating relationship here to distract me from this mess. But my whole dating mentality is so messed up...

I don't know. I love Josh. I probably don't stand a chance with Pat. But I really like him, in a way I have not liked anyone in quite a while. I guess we'll just wait until my face heals or I regain some sort of rationality concerning these matters.