melancholy

I shouldn't write when I feel like this. I know that this post will conclude in a frenzy of angst and depression. I can almost imagine the flow of it. But still I write. What else can be done?

I'm feeling inadequate. That word could just sum it all up, I think. I feel like my whole life is a facade. I know that I have friends, but I don't feel like it. I feel like everything I do is a deception, another act to try to conceal what and who I really am. Really, I don't have the energy for friends or relationships. I feel like I should. it's a horrible place. I want relationships, but I can't be adequate in them.

I keep thinking about what Josh said. I try to forget but I can't. I keep thinking about how I can't make someone feel loved when I kiss them. Maybe I just can't be close to anyone. Maybe I'll never have sex, or if I do I won't feel anything.

I'm seventeen years old. It didn't matter as much before, but it matters now. I should feel something, anything! I should be something! I should make people feel like I care!

I do care. I care unbearably much.

I want to touch someone and not be afraid. I want to kiss someone and have my brain turn off just for a while, just be flooded with something other than bored logic.

I can't make people feel loved.

I'm such a failure, in the end. I'm a failure at it all. I've tried and tried and tried to be something, to accomplish something, and in the end I've accomplished nothing. I've failed at music and sports and everything else that I do, and now I have failed in my own intimate life. It's all a facsimile. I'm just a sham, I really am. Why do you read this? I'm not real.

Why can't I feel like other people do? Why can't I get excited and just talk to people without thinking about all the words first? Why can't I just hug someone with feeling scared or awkward or afraid? I love being hugged. I love it so much. But I can't hug people very easily because I'm afraid. I don't know what I'm afraid of. I don't know why it should matter, but it does.

My parents told me tonight that I've failed at being a good sister to my dog.

I keep thinking about how much of a failure I am. I keep thinking about how I want people to call me (but people do call me!) and ask me to hang out with them (but people do ask me that, I just never have the energy to do it!), but it's really just me, because I could be with friends every day if I wanted to.

I miss Josh a lot. I miss him so much. I'm not good enough, though, for him. He deserves someone that can make him feel special and loved and everything like that.

I'm just so inadequate.