my favorite things...

This is going to be a progressive post. I'll keep coming back to it and editing as I think of things, even as I move on with my blog. My blog is kind of like a car. It was built to move.
Wow. Aren't I the producer of bad similies.
Anyway, these are some of my favorite things:
-running away from the sun when it is hot and the sun is setting. all of the colors seem like inversions, and i can see myself sillhoetted, just my arms and my legs and my headphones and the sun, apparent but not seen.
-air that smells like laundry detergent. or anything that smells like laundry detergent. when i am older i will add extra dryer sheets and laundry detergent to all laundry. i love clothes that smell good. i like it when i'm with a boy and his clothes smell like detergent. it even beats calogne.
-lime popsicles. especially on the friday night of a debate tournament. somehow i can unwind. debate tournaments are horrible for me. i literally worry myself sick. i always get really sick at debate tournaments. but those lime popsicles... i'm convinced they can cure anything.
-pauses in conversations that aren't awkward, because you're really close to the person and you don't have to fill in the spaces with words about something your mind isn't even thinking about.
-friday nights during the school year when there is no debate and i have the courage to put of my homework. i can curl up on the couch in a blanket with hot chocolate and a book. i love books. oh man, i love books.
-movies that make me think. movies that make me sad. movies that make me view the world differently. watching movies with people i care about. watching movies when i'm sad and nothing else in the world can get my mind off of everything fitting together in loose pieces but Finding Nemo. somehow if i have a little Finding Nemo things make sense again.
-crying. i can't cry very often, so when i do it's very needed. when i do cry, it's usually sobbing. sometimes it's in the car and i hit the steering wheel. we always think we're angry, but underneath it we're usually hurt and sad. that's why we pretend to be so tough and angry all the time. i like crying and putting on songs that make me even sadder or songs that make me remember somebody i lost just because i can let go. never in front of people other than family though. no matter how hard i try.
-sweats. i cannot explain to you how much i love sweats when it's below zero out and everything is hanging all crystalline in the air. i like wearing a lot of clothes all of the time because it makes me feel safer. whenever i feel like i'm drifting too close to someone, i wear more clothes. but sweats take the cake. they win every contest.
-feeling okay with buying things. whenever i buy anything, i usually feel regret. i inhereted that from my father; i don't spend money without obsessing and thinking and calculating about whether i need it. but i love holding something in my hands that i had to buy and not regretting a single penny of it.
-steamers from Friendly's on fridays after school that taste like caramel or strawberry or just plain cream and really do steam out of the hole in the top of the lid.
-feeling usefull, and needed, or even just loved. i love it when people touch me or hug me. i love it when they ignore the stony exterior that i give everyone. i love it when i am close to someone. it's not sexual at all. it's just from never touching anyone. i can't touch, but i crave being touched. i feel so loved in a hug. not the awkward A-frame of friends that don't really know what to do with their arms, but people that aren't afraid to crush me, people that know that no matter how how hard they hug me more of me will remain at the end of the hug than existed at the beginning.
-running outside when it is really really cold. i love wearing sweats and gloves and being really cold at the beginning but then somehow warming up so i am really hot. i love that my body can do that, that it can insulate me like that just because i'm running, and moving. maybe i just love running. Yay for endorphins.
-being healthy, being on the apex of the eating disorder sine wave. i love being at the top. i can eat and i can run every day and i'm not hungry and i'm not thinking about throwing up or anything, i'm not thinking about food all the time, i'm free, i'm not even thinking about how much i can weigh. that's how i am right now. i still feel fat, but my food mentality isn't off. this has always been a transient feeling in my life though. i have started viewing it as something that controls me. but i realized today that i control it. it doesn't have to end, if i can face my fear, if i can face waking up and feeling like i can't eat anymore.
-spring. i love it when the tips of the trees suddenly explode with flowers and green fingernails overnight. every year i try to watch it; i try to catch it like in time-lapse photography, but it really does happen all at once; it really does happen while you're asleep.
-spring break. it just has to go with the spring discussion. by spring break i'm usually about ready to go crazy if i have to go through one more routine day at school and focus in the classes...
-being able to relax, without thinking. those sustainable moments, the rare ones for me. the ones like the moment that kids hang in the air when they jump through the sprinkler and they're not even thinking about landing. they're just thinking about the air, and the water, and the world; all it needs is that one moment.
-learning. i love reading about science, and philosophy, and everything (except US history now that the AP test has ruined it for me). i love thinking about the new pathways in my brain that the neurons are building, i like thinking that those neurons are ants and yet they are me.
-feeling beautiful. this is a very rare occurrance, but it has happened a few times in my life. it's usually when i'm nowhere near a mirror. the only feedback is the way i feel; the way i feel so tall even in my shortness, the way i feel like i desire myself.
-conversations where i am talking to people and they are really sad or miserable or something and somehow i can say the right thing and when we quit talking we are both happier.
-writing. maybe this is one of my foremost loves. it deserves to be at the top of the list, but it just can't quite literally parallel running away from the sun (which is extremely ironic if you think about it). i love writing for hours without realizing how long i've written. i love writing because it is totally self-contained learning. every time i write i learn. i learn a lot about myself. i learn a lot about other people. i can put myself in their minds and suddenly they make more sense to me.
-laughing at dumb jokes, just because they're really funny and for a few seconds i don't have to be the obsessive emo withdrawn high school student and i can just laugh and laugh and nobody cares. i love laughter. i'll join nietzsche in that one.
-feeling spiritual. i love the feeling music about God gives me when everyone's really into it. i don't know if it's objectively real or not, but it sure is real to me. it makes me cry. like i said, not a lot makes me cry.
-feeling. i never feel things physically, so i like feeling. i like sensation.

Anyway, more later...