I want to die right now. No, I want to melt away. I want to erase myself, my past, my future. I want to disintegrate.

Oh God, I'm so lonely without him. I tried running, bikeriding, away from the way I felt, but I can't. I can't ever leave. He's the only person I have ever loved; he's the only person that has ever really loved me like that. I don't care what they say, what you say, what anyone says, he's the only person I want to be with forever.

I am trying to learn how to live without him, because they told me that's the healthy thing to do, but I can't. I want to fix things. I want to make them better. I want to erase all these mistakes. But I can't, and so past all my desires to fix what can't be fixed, I just want to let go. I just want to blow away. I want to blow away into the air he breathes into his lungs so I can be in him always, in an uncomplicated way.

I am a national merit semifinalist. I might get a scholarship. It just seems like a pretty picture that is very far away; in the end all that is real is that there is a gaping place inside of me, no matter how unhealthy that is, and only one boy out of all of the boys in the world can fill it just right.