Happy moments

This was a weekend of mostly happy moments with a few said moments interspersed.

Happy moment number one: I got to see Jen, who I've been talking to for months online. It was so exciting to finally meet her. She's a fantastic girl, online and in person. My team really liked her as well. I don't know how anyone could not like her though.

Happy moment number two: Seing my name on the postings for octafinals. I was so nervous that I made myself sick. It happens at every tournament; my anxiety affects my body so that I'm constantly ready to sprint to the bathroom.

Happy moment number three: Going into my octafinals round and feeling confident. This is very unusual for me. I was so incredibly confident for the entire tournament, whereas I'm usually incredibly self-critical. I think it really helped me to do better.

Happy moment number four: Hearing them disclose octafinals in my favor. The girl I debated was really sweet and from Idaho, where they are apparently much nicer, but it was still nice to finally win an octafinal round.

Happy moment number five: Debating quarters in front of Amanda with that same confidence that I had for the entire tournament. I'm like a new person when I debate because I view it as a game and I want to have fun. I'm not as serious, not as anxious, not as depressed, and I'm more sure of my capability. It was awesome to debate that way in front of everyone in that room. It was awesome to hear them disclose again in my favor.

Happy moment number (interspersed): Winning the first two coin tosses so I could be aff, which I am most definitely better at.

Happy moment number six: Debating sems in that same manner with that same confidence, weighing out impacts, etc. Losing the coin toss was bad luck, and having to debate neg with a panel I could have easily won on if I was aff was unfortunate. But it was such a nice feeling to not hate myself for that split decision not in my favor; it was nice to still be proud. I skulked for a while, but let me tell you: I am proud of the consistency I had at this tournament.

Happy moment number seven (HAPPIEST OF ALL!!!!!!!!!): Sitting there when they were announcing speaker awards. They announced a lot of good people for the first nine awards. In fact, all of the good people I could think of. Brittany said to me, "That means you're the first!" and she was kidding, and I said, "Yeah right," and I was thinking, it's probably someone from Idaho, or someone from Montana that talks pretty but doesn't win rounds." When they announced my name, I was mostly in shock, and I was in shock as I walked up there and accepted the award, as everyone cheered, as Pat said something like "you go girl," as I sat back down, dazed but smiling. As I started thinking about what it means to be the first speaker out of forty Montana and Idaho debaters, I began to feel a little less skulky about losing that semi-final round.

Happy moment number eight: Seeing the ballots, and seeing that I went 4-1 again, and that I was undefeated (3-0) when I went home last night lamenting to Amanda about how I was probably 0-3.

Happy moment number nine: Seeing that I beat Hannah Payne, who truly is a pain. Also, seeing the comment to her on the ballot, "you were way too aggressive," and knowing that she was actually, for her, not being very aggressive in that round.

Happy moment number ten: Having policy kids from our team, who always ignore me, congratulate me, and having Mr. Pogreba congratulate me.

Happy moment number eleven: Having our school win second place in sweepstakes and knowing I was a part of that.

Happy moment number twelve: Hearing Amanda from Billings shout to me as she left that I was the one that made the tournament worth while, and that I rocked her world.

Happy moment number thirteen: Hugging Jen good bye and hearing from her that she had come to this tournament for me and I had made it worth while.

Happy moment number fourteen: Telling Amanda all of this.

Happy moment number fifteen: Going out to celebrate with Brittany, and both us being so tired that we kind of slurped italian sodas in silence before we both agreed we were exhausted and needed to go to bed.

Happiest realization of all: I am capable of believing in myself.

It was a pretty cool tournament.