I guess that you could say I'm doing much better with my eating disorder. I don't actually purge very much anymore. I have been fighting it. But the way that I eat is still the same. I don't know how to change that. Somedays I eat nothing at all; somedays I eat and I eat and I eat. Although I am not purging anymore, the binging behaviors that necessitated purging are still very much present in my daily life.
I feel like I have tried nearly everything, and somehow I still cannot make myself eat the way I used to eat before this mess started in sixth grade. I don't even remember what it felt like to not constantly obsess about food. Ironically, when I was hard-core bulimic two years ago, I probably thought about food 90% of the time. I obsessed about when I was going to eat, and how much, and I berated myself when I lost control. Now, those same mentalities, that same loop, still characterize me.
I tried to approach my parents on this yesterday morning, and it didn't go well. I told them I needed to see a dietician, and this was the ensuing conversation:
Mom: Why do you need to see a dietician? They're just going to tell you the same things we tell you.
Me: But maybe they can help me to really apply those things.
Mom: We've already told you everything you need to apply them.
Me: But I can't. I'm trying and I can't.
Mom: Well you should be able to! You did last year in weight watchers!
Me: Weight watchers only made things worse.
Mom: But you lost weight and then held your weight constant!
Me: That wasn't because I was following weight watchers.
Mom: Yes you were!
Me: No, I tried very hard to follow it at first but it just turned into more pressure so I went back to the way I was eating.
Mom: You mean binging and purging?
Me: Yes.
Mom: You didn't tell me that!
Me: I told you I wanted to quit because I felt like it was pushing me back.
Mom: Well, if you had followed weight watchers you wouldn't have this problem!
Me: I tried.
Mom: You should have been able to!
Me: But I can't.
(Yelling begins)
Mom: You shouldn't need to see a dietician! We should be helpful enough! The dietician can't tell you anything we haven't!
Me: But nothing else has worked! Maybe they can help me!
etc.
The scene ends with my mom and I yelling at each other and me slamming the front door.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like maybe bulimia is never-ending. I feel like I'll never change the screwed up way my mind views eating; I'll never shift the behaviors I have developed over the last six years.
I don't know if a dietician or nutritionalist would help. My therapist suggested one. All I know is they're my last hope, and nothing else has worked. I can't change. I'm trying; I swear to you I'm trying.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
I believe you. I don't know whether that helps you feel better- it often helps me. I know you're trying. I know you want to get better. I know it's genuinely difficult. Let me tell you a story.
Once upon a time, Mama wanted me to learn to play the piano. She knew how to play, and therefore determined that she did not need to hire a teacher, she would teach me herself. When she taught me about piano, it was heavily tainted with whatever was going on with our relationship. The principles she was teaching were solid. Her teaching methods were, for the most part, good. But the fact that there was no separation between the abusive relationship I had with her and the piano teacher-teachee relationship meant that I couldn't ever focus on piano when it came from her. She would say something and I'd be too busy listening for the hints of what she would do next, whether she would yell or hit, whether I was in danger. I heard every word she said, and I made a serious effort at piano, but I never learned to play. She was angry. She still is. It doesn't help.
I think that maybe an outside source of information have more effect than an inside source, because the information can't get muddled by a messy relationship. I think this is true even when the outside source is saying exactly the same things, word for word, as the inside source. Your parents are smart people, but I think a professional might be able to help you more.
I know I had to take a dietetics course as a part of my nursing program. Can your school nurse talk to you about it?
Hey Lindsay,
I can tell you're trying. It's not your fault that things are so hard right now! Your relationship with your parents sounds really tough, and I can see why you would turn to ED for help coping.
What really impresses me is how aware you are of what's going on...that you noticed that just because you're not purging does not mean you're not thinking or acting like you have an ED. That's huge! Being aware of yourself like that is the first step toward change.
The really good news is that you have made it this far. You're a smart, talented young woman. And you won't always be in your parents' house--you'll move out, you'll meet new, healthy people if you want to, you'll move on. It might always be hard, but IT WILL GET BETTER. In my opinion, EDs are not the actual problem, they are the symptom. And who wouldn't be symptomatic in your place? I would be. Anyone would be. Most people would not have shown the strength that you have--that's how you can know you'll make it. You're a fighter and a survivor and you want more from your life. Keep with that; you'll get there.
How can I say all this? Well I'm pretty confident because I've been there. I barely hung on through high school and even afterward and I started coping in unhealthy ways, but I got out, and I am okay. I wasn't even smart enough to start telling a therapist about my ED in high school like you have. Good for you! It can't get better until you talk about it. Nothing can. Talk about all if it--the ED almost happens on the sidelines to what it's really important to talk about. What's really going on.
Finally, I think that my struggles growing up (especially with my family) and my ED have been gifts. Yes, they were hard. But I feel like they have given my a depth of character that not everyone has. You can understand and empathize with people in ways that others can't. What an asset.
Hang in there, Lindsay. I am rooting for you!
Post a Comment