I feel like I'm talking to nobody, and it feels appropriate.
I have been very angry lately. I sort of know what I'm angry about, but it is also partially just a sketchy, vague, implacable anger.
I don't like it.
Sometimes it's like I just keep putting on the same mask every day. Or maybe it really is my face, but whenever I wear it something makes it become a mask. I don't really know how to explain it, but it doesn't matter.
You're nobody, this is nothingness.
I'm only sort of unhappy. There are moments of every day when everything is so startlingly... okay. There are hours that go by when I am so excited about life. Everything is just so bright and beautiful and perfect in its entropy.
But it seems like I am some sort of butterfly that fell in a mud puddle. I'm trying so hard to rise above, but right when the sky seems so huge and all of the possibilities of freedom are so infinite, the sludge pulls me down again.
Maybe blogging is a dying art.
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3 comments:
It's a new semester, which equals hope. It's also January. I feel exactly like this. I always appreciate how you can articulate my feelings better than I can... but really, I think the world feels this way right now. No one on my subscription lists is posting. I'm not posting. Life is up and down a lot.
"I feel like I'm talking to nobody, and it feels appropriate."
Appropriate? What are you trying to say about the people who read your blog? :p
On a more serious note, I can relate to some of what you are saying.
Vague, implacable anger: For me, I think the anger seems sketchy and vague because, for several reasons, I don't want to acknowledge and/or allow myself to be angry at what I sort of know is the basis. Maybe if I allowed my anger its appropriate objects, it would be more bearable. Maybe if I addressed the events and situations more directly as they came up, I would be able to overcome the anger and it wouldn't all build through time into a huge implacable and seemingly vague monster. I don't mean to imply that you are not addressing the objects of your anger. On the contrary, from reading your posts, it seems that you are.
The mask and being okay: I am so used to not being okay, that even when I am genuinely okay, it seems wrong and fake. Maybe it is just part of a transition to something better, though. You said in a comment to me, "every system in disorder will do everything it can to return again to the stasis of equilibrium." I've been thinking about this a lot and I think you're right. But there can be more than one equilibrium state. Maybe you're passing from one equilibrium to another one (which represents a happier existence). And maybe (get ready for a nerdy calculus analogy) it seems fake and wrong until you pass the inflection point.
Sorry for going on and on. I don't know if any of this makes sense or if it even remotely correlates to your experience. If not, just know that I am grateful to be able to read your writing. I'm reading, even if I'm not always commenting. I hope you never stop blogging.
ariel- yeah, new semesters do signify hope. i think things will be better for both of us.
asara- thank you for this comment. just... thank you. everything about it helped me. and i do think that i don't directly always address the objects of my anger.
i'm still waiting for that inflection point, though, when things will be downhill again.
p.s. i like calculus analogies, and chemistry, but i like calculus more.
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