friday night

It's been a pretty terrible week. I didn't get very much sleep. Wednesday night I was up until three in the morning after drinking four energy drinks (the kinds with the warning labels on the sides), and then Thursday I drank two more energy drinks in the morning and spent the rest of the day with a slightly irregular heartbeat and huge hand-tremors, I think becuase my body is not used to caffeine, or definitely that much caffeine.

My emotional spectrum went all crazy again. I had a breakdown from Monday to Tuesday-ish, and managed to pull through it alright. I've started taking all of my lithium again now, and I feel a lot better actually.

What I really want to write about (if indeed anyone really can hear me) is last night. Shauna, Siobhan, JoAnna, Erin, and I ditched a crowd of people playing capture the flag (outside!) at Morning Light and came to my house. We ate pizza and talked for several hours. I talk to Erin and Shauna a lot, but I don't talk to Siobhan as much since she's so busy and reclusive, and I haven't talked to JoAnna in forever (since she is also busy). Also, Erin, Siobhan, JoAnna, and Shauna didn't really know each other (besides Siobhan and JoAnna) as well as I knew each of them, so it was kind of a catch-up session thing.

But... we're seventeen and eighteen year old girls. Of course we talked about boys. And Shauna, Siobhan, and JoAnna all have boyfriends. And I heard all of the things (in detail) that all of them had done with their boyfriends, and it really kind of spun me off into space. It felt really far away. Most of my friends have had sex or close to it now. As time goes on, my values and my past seem to push against the reality of my friends' lives until I float into an alternate reality than their reality (I am very glad Erin is waiting until marriage as well; hardly anyone does here, and it's hard to be alone in something).

I was having some really weird mixed emotions during the entire conversation, partly wishing I could do the things they did, since I felt very left out, partly wishing they didn't do the things they did, because it really skewed my mental outlook on all of them. And I'm not even sure why it was such a big deal, since I knew before last night basically what they had all done (except JoAnna), but we had never really talked about it that extensively.


So I feel really weird today. I don't even really know how to describe it. I guess I'm definitely getting better about the sexual abuse stuff, but there are some times when I can tell I'm distinctly not quite back to normalcy yet (or sort of average, I guess). And there's nothing really wrong with that right now, but it makes conversations like last night's slightly traumatizing. It kind of shook all of my thoughts and resolutions.

I think I just really need to talk to Erin about it, because she was the other odd one out last night. Maybe it feels as unreal to her as it does to me. Hopefully I can get ahold of her some time today.