I HATE how she makes me powerless, how she has the ultimate control, how she can say all of these terrible things to me and I can't say anything back, because she's the stupid freaking adult, she can dictate everything I say and do, she has the POWER, and I have nothing. I hate feeling powerless. I hate feeling so angry and having no outlet at all but myself.
I'M SICK OF GETTING YELLED AT!!!!!!! I'M SICK OF NO POWER!!!!!!! I want to be myself. I want to be myself myself myself myself myself, not who I have to be to avoid the punishments from so much control.
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"What I realized suddenly was that the true failure would have been if I hadn't given a damn. You can bandage a wound, set a broken bone, but not caring...you can't cure that and you can't recover from it."
"What I realized suddenly was that the true failure would have been if I hadn't given a damn. You can bandage a wound, set a broken bone, but not caring...you can't cure that and you can't recover from it."
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About Me
- Lindsay
- Everything in my life is about to change, and I'm absolutely terrified. I breathe one instant at a time.
22 comments:
One of the best things about moving out was being able to do anything I wanted without that terrible fear of being hurt for it. I could make good decisions or bad ones, and what she thought didn't matter anymore. It was so freeing. You'll love it.
i don't know that this will help you, but at the point i stopped passively taking it i gained a lot of power. i think she's actually a little afraid of me. i am far more powerful than her, and we both know it. maybe that only really comes with moving out, but it comes.
I feel like you've said what I've been feeling lately. Maybe it just comes with growing up and getting to the point where you can move out. But I really think that it's just the way some adults act... controlling.
I think that there's only three options for situations like this. Submit to it, fight it, or leave. I know that there have been times when I've done all of those things. I don't know which one will work best for you, but I know that leaving will work and that you'll probably do just that in about five months. Hold on 'til then. I love you!
The older I get, the more I realize how "right" my parents were, and are now :)
Bridges take a very long time to rebuild after you burn them down...
if your parents were as abusive as my mom, there is no way they were right. what my mom did and does is not right, and it's not something i would ever do to another human being. sure, i do things wrong like any other teenager. but that doesn't justify what my mother does.
i'm doing everything i can to retain the bridges. but it's not fair to myself to not burn some of them down. i need to be healthy. i need to stop doing everything that i do in order to please my mother. i want to retain the bridges, but i think its mandatory that i burn some of them down.
Don't burn all your bridges. You're doing the right thing in maintaining the ones you can maintain- that's called being Christlike. You're right, though, that some of them have to go in order to develop yourself as a healthy adult. Your health comes first. I love you so much, and it hurts me inside that you are abused by the people who should care for you most. I'm glad that you're growing through that. Only a few more months, and you will no longer be subject to your mom's whims on a daily basis. You're a wonderful person.
"The older I get, the more I realize how "right" my parents were, and are now"
Yeah...I completely disagree with this.
I have met countless "parents" who acted more like children in the relationship and vice versa. I have also met plenty of parents who act like parents. The distinction of "parent" (i.e. having someone that can be claimed as a "child) has very little to do with whether or not that person acts like an actual parent.
It may just be the nature of the work I do, but a field that includes major child neglect/abuse issues will really dislodge the "parents are the ultimate authority" assumption incredibly quick. Now, it never really existed with me, but some of my coworkers did have that assumption shattered pretty darn quick.
For me, a person has to act like a parent in order for me to think of them as parental. A person who is caring, loving, understanding, fair, etc etc is a person who can be considered a true parent. A person obsessed with controlling someone in a weaker position really isn't. It's certainly not a person I would consider "right after the fact" in any way. There are many people I've met (and clients I've worked with) who "burned the bridges down," and believe me, they made the single best choice they ever could have made. No one deserves to be belittled in order to satisfy someone else's control fix. And no one who makes a decision to protect themselves should ever have to feel guilty about doing so because it may have consisted of "burning a bridge down". I would argue (debater, I know) that if a person is faced with that choice and makes it is someone who "built a bridge up" to their own health and well-being. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.
Lets look at Ephesians 6 (and I'm paraphrasing a little here)
verse 1 : Children obey your parents.
verse 2 : Honor thy mother and father.
verse 4 : Parents do not abuse your children. Raise them to know God.
These 3 verses are not inclusive of each other such as: Obey your parents ONLY IF they are good parents, or Parents....only take care of your children if they behave.
Do parents make mistakes? Of course they do. Lindsay, does your mother love you? Of course she does.....I'm sure she would lay her life down for you, and wants the best for you in life.
Burning the bridge between you and your mother would be something you will regret for the rest of your adult life.
Saying that, I do believe that distance between your parents and you will build up an entirely new relationship. Not being in each others face everyday will help you all to realize how much you care.
okay, since i do believe the bible, i can understand what you're saying. but you're mistaken if you think i don't obey my parents. i barely ever break any of their rules. in everything i do i struggle to respect their wishes, because i respect their authority to create rules that keep me safe.
this really has nothing to do with "obeying" my parents. it has to do with internally deciding to stop basing my self worth on my mother's opinion of me.
i know my mom loves me. i know she'd die for me. i know she wants the best for me. but i also know that if she really wanted the best for me she wouldn't have hit me for fourteen years or told me i was a bitch over and over, because that's not a healthy way to ensure your child's future.
the bridges i have to burn with my mother are not external bridges. it doesn't mean i will suddenly start sneaking out at night and drinking and doing drugs. the bridges are the pieces inside of me that still believe someday i will be good enough for her. i know that's not true. i have to let it go. i know i can't fix our relatinoship, no matter how hard i try (and let me tell you, i have tried).
this isn't a matter of honoring my parents or obeying them. i do that. i do that with all of my heart. the cause of the way my mother treats me isn't my insubordianation. i'm a good kid. i try very hard not to argue. i never having any problems with my father. i want to do what's right and follow the rules.
Lindsay, my dear precious Lindsay...
I am so sorry.
I am so sorry that your mother does not love you the way Christ intended. I am sorry the safety and protection your parents are supposed to provide you was NOTICEABLY absent for large portions of your life.
I am sorry that you are the one having to set healthy boundaries, because that was not what God intended.
I am sorry if you ever began to question whether your mother was "right" in her verbal and physical abuse.
My mother and I had a strained relationship for a large portion of high school and all of college. She struggled with manipulation, control, and some other issues. And I know the toll that those things alone took on my ability to establish healthy boundaries in my own life. I still struggle with it to this day.
So, I can not even begin to imagine how you have handled your situation this long.
My prayer for you is that God will give you clear discernment as to what needs to change from your perspective, so that more lasting damage is not done. That He will protect you from further damage, and that His love for you would be tangible in your life.
There are other outlets Lindsay, and this is NOT your fault.
Sending lots of hugs your way...
thank you... i really needed to hear that right now.
it made my day, really.
"this really has nothing to do with "obeying" my parents. it has to do with internally deciding to stop basing my self worth on my mother's opinion of me."
Exactly.
Tmproff, I'm not Christian, so quoting Bible verses doesn't do a whole lot to convince me that what Lindsay said above isn't true. I completely agree with her assessment of the situation, and knowing her personally, she certainly isn't a "wild child" by any means (unless there's something I don't know about...just kidding!). ;)
There's a difference between establish rules and boundaries to protect your child and verbally assaulting them in order to maintain control over their lives, thoughts, feelings, etc. It's a huge difference.
"the bridges are the pieces inside of me that still believe someday i will be good enough for her. i know that's not true. i have to let it go. i know i can't fix our relatinoship, no matter how hard i try (and let me tell you, i have tried)."
Yes! I know that I have said this to you before, and I'm so glad that you believe it. There is no way to change her, and the more you try, the more disappointment you will run into. No child should ever have to feel that they are not "good enough" for their parent's love and support. Tmproff, this is where I fundamentally disagree with your assessment of all of this. Perhaps the Bible should have added the caveat that a child should be free to protect herself if her parents are trying to control everything she does. That rigidity in the verses you quoted has largely contributed to my Agnosticism becaus I just cannot fathom how an omni-benevolent, unconditionally loving God would enforce an "obey your parents always" rule even when those parents may be hell bent on destroying their children's self-image in order to control them. Sorry, I just don't see how that is logical. It doesn't make any sense at all.
Lindsay, I am so glad to read what you're writing. The one thing I've wanted most throughout all of our debates, discussions, etc, is for you to gain the ability to recognize your own self-worth and how that is not dependent on anyone's view of you. Recognizing one's own worth is entirely reliant on you, and I'm so glad to see it happening. :)
Perspective is such a powerful entity. Lets use a hypothetical (I dont need to know why your mother was arguing with you).
Lets fast forward 20 years and you have a teenage daughter that you love dearly. Lets say you disagree with what she is doing, or how she is living her life(not saying you are right or wrong), and you are at your wits end how to get through to her. Would you get frustrated and yell? I'm sure you would.
My mother used to beat me with plastic coat hangers. She would yell and me and call me names. My older brother was so successful at everything he did. My parents always used to yell at me and ask why I couldn't be more like Him. It was very hard on me. They even paid for his entire college, and only paid for my first year...I had to pay the rest. They didn't think I would finish.
I didn't understand why they were doing it at the time, and I hopefully won't be stuck in the same situation when my children are in their teens.
One of the most visual signs of maturity is perspective. Being able to step outside of your situation and understand the wider picture. It won't always be like this Lindsay.
the degree of magnitude and extremity we are discussing here far exceeds the bounds of a healthy argument and relationship. at issue is prolonged physical and emotional abuse, not a tiff suffered in the throws of changing family relations. no amount of 'perspective' can make such treatment at the hands of a parent remotely ok, and claiming so does not demonstrate 'maturity' but rather helplessness in the face of someone else's unjustifiable assualts.
and lindsay, predictably, i'm x10^n in agreement with shea on this. i do not think that you have to accept that sort of helplessness, that struggle to be 'good enough', and the perspective you are taking is one of the best things you can do for yourself. i'm glad you engaged this, it's a perspective you should trust :)
^ Exactly.
I will never push something like abuse or neglect behind the door of "perspective" as long as I am on this earth. Any action that is abusive (including striking a child with a plastic coat hanger) I consider fundamentally wrong and immoral. Period.
okay. well we're probably not getting anywhere on this discussion.
but tmproff... i'm really sorry that happened to you. it shouldn't have. things don't have to be like that. that's why i am deciding today to never do that to my children. it's wrong, and it can end with me.
i know what it feels like to be compared constantly to a sibling to the point of just being a shadow. that's not right either. everyone is a human being.
i understand what you're saying. i think about it. i'm not just blowing you off or anything. i just think that, after years of thinking about this, i can't agree wtih you. not anymore.
it really doesn't change anything except the attitude in my mind. what happened to you, and what happened to me, in my opinion, should have never happened, and i will do everything under my power to prevent it from happening to others in the future.
I never considered what my parents did to me as abuse. The thought of discipline is very broad and opinionated. 99% of the time that I was diciplined, it was due to my own attitude and my own fault.
Looking back at the college scenario, I needed a good "swift kick in the pants" when it came to college. I wasn't taking it seriously, and by having to pay my self through, it became VERY serious :) At the time I thought it was unfair, but as I said....with maturity comes perspective.
I could give a flip about what others think of my opinions. I just want you Lindsay to see other sides of the coin.
okay.
thank you.
Tmproff, it's people like you who tempt me to be ashamed to call myself Christian. It's also very very clear that you have no understanding of Lindsay as a person or of her family as an entity.
Lindsay, if the bridges to which you were referring were the "bridges" of letting your mother determine your worth, and the "bridges" of letting her walk all over you, disregard what I said. Those need to be burned. I think I took your statements the wrong way.
Do you personify your relationship with Jesus based on others? If so, yeah...maybe you should be ashamed....if not, you might need to do a little thinking on what being a Christian really means.
Some people are so narrow minded. They take one perception and run with it as if it were fact. I believe it is so important to look at life from more than one angle.
OKAY. Obviously everyone doesn't agree. I appreciate everyone's input. I know who I agree with. I think maybe we should just drop this post.
We're all trying to be open-minded. So let's let it go.
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