summer

Now that everyone has left, maybe I can return to some of the integrity of my earlier posts.

I've been in Washington DC for the presidential scholar program. On the surface, it was really fun. We had a lot of fancy catered dinners; we were spoken to by a lot of high-up government people; we listened to a performance of the arts scholars at the Kennedy center and looked at their work in the art museum; we ate a lot of dessert; we were shuttled all over DC for workshops; we met with the president.

The president, despite everything he's doing that I don't agree with, seemed like a really nice guy. He was really nice to us. I know that's his job, but I believe that it's genuine. No matter how badly I think he's screwed things up, I do believe he has integrity.

I signed a petition the morning before we met him (Monday) that ended up causing a lot of problems. I don't really want to talk about it, but here is the link. It's also in the UK news, and the kids appeared on the CNN morning show.

I guess that all of that is important, but it doesn't really matter. The petition was an attempt to make a difference which may or may not have had the potential to be effective or been in the appropriate forum. Ultimately, it had both intended and unintended consequences. I guess it's probably the most political involvement I'll have in my life.

I went to the program in a pretty messed up state. I was starting to lose it at the end of the week in Wichita, and when Amanda etc. had to leave me alone in the hotel for a night, I was really worried. I kept myself extremely occupied though watching "Heroes" and reading The Fabric of the Cosmos. I got myself to the airport in the morning, and I got myself to DC. Things were better after that.

Everyone in the program was really nice. They were a really smart, talented bunch of kids, but noboday acted supercillious in any way. It was the inverse of CPW. It was really easy to make a lot of good friends quickly. I was doing a thought experiment the whole time, pretending I was at MIT, and I wouldn't see any of my friends for months. By the end of the four days, I realized that I had built a friend group for myself that I could settle into and be happy in. That was important to me, because it meant I'll be okay in the fall.

Of course, things have still been up and down. Most days I get urges, and I fight them for a while, and then I decide to give in, because it feels like the buildup of pressure is unendurable. I try to think of ways to explain it to people that will find out, but I quit caring about finding an alternative. All I want is to release that pressure. So far I have successfully wasted time until the magnamity of the urge faded, but it still feels as if all of the cumulative pressure is building. Lately about once a day I have gotten really suicidal. It's never really for any reason. It just happens. And for a few hours or however long it takes, I struggle in some tangible, sticky darkness, waiting. I always have to wait. I just have to wait for it to go away, try to have that it will, do things to keep myself from acting on it while it's happening.

On the bright side, overall things are going pretty well, I think. I'm working a lot, which sucks, but whatever. I'm being really social as well. I'm also going to teach myself AP physics and try to get to the end of my linear algebra and differential equations books so I'm ready for school. I'm wasting time on Facebook. I got a checking account today, and the guy wouldn't believe I was eighteen until I showed him my ID (but I was wearing my glasses, which make me look younger). I got a free telescope with the account, which I tried to use to look at the near-full moon tonight, but the moon went behind some stupid trees. I'm going to Canada with Jo, Siobhan, Erin, and Kyrstin in three weeks, and apparently I'll be the only one not drinking (which should be interesting), although they don't plan on getting drunk or anything (they'd better not). I'm spending a lot of time with Pat, which is fun. I still live with the guilt of everything that happened with Josh everyday, but I'm learning to deal with it. I don't think it will go away for a long while yet. I'm still working on forgiving myself so I can really live with myself again. I've quit drinking caffeine.

I was really worried about my weight with all of the desserts I ate in DC, but I weighed the same when I got back. I met this girl in DC from Arizona that was the same height as me, but she was really thin, I thought. Then I saw on her drivers' license that she's the same weight as me, which was really weird, because I don't think I look anywhere near as thin as her. In fact, the whole time I was gone, and I thought I was losing weight, my image of myself stretched. I looked fatter and fatter... now I know it wasn't accurate, because I weighed the same. I don't know what I can trust. I don't know if my images are distorted. It's so frustrating.

I went running today, three miles, at 12:30, and it was about ninety eight degrees out. I think I almost got heat stroke or something, because as I was finishing the last mile I really felt like I was going to pass out, and with every step I took the whole world became really tilted and have-black around me. Apparently midday is not a good time for running.