ANGER (THE INEVITABLE) (and affinity to the f-word)

[04-13-06 EDIT- I am editing this post because I am not this angry anymore and I don't need all that I wrote here] Alright... here goes nothing... I guess if I'm going to do this whole painful process I have to do it the right way. I'm doing this for my debate coach, you know. Because she needs me to be self-confident. Well, wants me to be. I guess I want to too... but I think in the end I'm doing it for her.
So I don't swear of course. Ever. I've sworn once in my life, out loud, in geometry. I don't get geometry. Calculus is so much better, more concrete. I didn't get the sigma thing. I threw down my book. I said "shit!" really loudly. Everyone stared at me. Nobody seemed to understand how a person who had never sworn before could swear over sigma notation. Stevie just started laughing.
but... here goes nothing.
F- YOU Mom for hitting me, and making me think you were going to kill me, and choking me and calling me horrible things and telling me things were my fault and making me take care of you and telling me I'm a hypochondriac fuck you i'm not!
F- YOU Dad for ignoring what mom was doing to me, for not protecting me, for watching her hit me and hit me and hit me, and watching her do it to Craig too, for not stopping her, for hating me when she got taken away.
F- YOU Craig for forcing me to have oral sex with you, for being my hero my whole life when all I needed was to hate you and I couldn't because you were so good to me and I always loved you and you always loved me well you don't freaking do that to people you love, Craig, no matter how freaking mad you are! (oh yeah, i forgot... f-ing mad you are)
F- YOU Michael for raping me every day for so long. Because you know what, you're the real, deep reason I'm writing all this, because you did that to me, because you screwed me up for life.
F- YOU Grandma for hitting me and shoving me against the wall, and telling me I'm making this all up, that I was never abused because I WAS!!! I F-ING WAS!!! and you abused me too!
F- YOU stupid pyschiatrist Carl for making me stay at the psych hospital two extra days, for telling my mom I was making things up, for giving her excuses to believe that what she did had no impact on me. and for wearing white with khaki.
F- YOU Leslie for sexually abusing me, for never caring...
F- YOU nameless babysitter for the same freaking reasons...
F- YOU Kristin for knowing I had an eating disorder and was cutting and saving my life and then leaving me!!!!!!!!!

wow i feel dirty for swearing that much... it feels wrong, but I know I needed it... God will forgive me because I needed it and wow I really do feel somewhat better now...