The elusive

I went snowboarding today. It's a good thing we went today and not yesterday as was planned, because if I'd gone yesterday, high, then I sure would have crashed into everything and most likely killed myself or at least embarrassed myself quite a bit.
It was so beautiful, and the snow was everywhere, and the snow machines were on, and up at the very top of the mountain the snow machines smudged the sky, like some giant took a finger down a pastel painting of a perfect mountain and smashed the sky and the trees into each other into a big blur of softened color.
For some reason that really mattered to me, that the colors were inverted, and it made me very sad. And I saw a lot of kids from my school up there, and I sat there in the snow and wondered what's wrong with me, why I can't interact with people, why I would rather be alone than with my friends, why I am content with just disappearing inside of myself and feeling sad forever and watching the world slowly smudge away.
I'm a freak, I think. And I think that though that makes me sad, it doesn't make me nearly as sad as the way the oxide seeding (or whatever those snow machines do) made the sky look.
And I sat there, thinking, why do I care more about music and poetry and art than about the way I look? Why, when my friends all buy clothes, do I buy cd's and new guitars? Why do I feel safer when I'm alone, with more clothing on, padded and farther away from the world? Why do I feel out of place when I am with my friends sleeping over and they are all looking at vanity magazines and talking about boys and I want to talk about the real difference between right and wrong? And I thought, they think I've never done more than kiss a guy because I'm so paranoid of relationships and push everyone away. What would they think to know I'm not a virgin?
We went to dinner, and I watched as everyone else devoured the things I used to love, steak and chicken and corn, while I munched on some mushrooms. And that made me feel different and far away too.
Shauna sent me this email on my views on gay people basically saying i'm scared of diversity, and going on and on about why I should believe her opinions and views rather than those of my religion, and she was saying that my views are decreasing diversity and we need to support it, not decrease it, and I can't help thinking, how is it increasing diverstiy for her to force me to believe the same way about diversity that she does?
And I really do like diversity, I think it's necessary, but I hate it when people aren't tolerant of my views and try to change me because they think my views aren't tolerant. They're hypocrites.
Sorry... that just bothers me.
But about happiness...
I thought a lot today, as I rode the chairlift into that rift of matter and sky where everything mixed, about why I can't seem to be capable of being happy. And I couldn't remember a single time in my life when I was ever happy, and I realized I was terrified of even the idea of happiness, of the idea that people out there are happy. And then I was mad at myself for thinking this way, because if I think I'll never be happy, I won't.
And I thought about relationshps a lot, and why I'm not capable of those either. They feel like giving away a part of myself, like opening myself up and letting joint ownership commence over my soul, and even thinking about being in a close relationship makes me gag.
And I thought about Nick and Matt and the boys over the years that have tried or wanted or shown interest in a relationship in me that I've pushed away and isolated myself against.
And it seemed to me that the things in life everyone else seems to take for granted are the most elusive to me.