Suicide

Well merry Christmas.
Last night was the most suicidal I've been in a very long time. I just sat there cutting my wrist and staring at my Nepal prayer flags. Funny how that's exactly what I did a year ago yesterday. I wish I was an inspiration. I wish I was a good person.
So I very bluntly told Matt that I want to kiss him. Gosh I'm bad at this relationship thing. But whenever I try to flirt with him disastrous things result. Like when I was going to coffee with him I walked into a pole... and when we were going bowling I was getting so enthusiastic about Led Zeppelen and U2 that I drove like five miles past the bowling alley before I noticed.
Plus I don't know if I'm stable enough, healthy enough, or self-confident enough for a relationship. Whenever someone starts getting close to me I pull away. Plus I don't feel like I deserve to be liked or loved. That could be a problem.
So could my lack of coordination, my lack of a sense of direction, and my affinity towards walking into any solid substance.