Foundation

Have you ever sat down and tried to analyze yourself and realized that something- an idea or a memory or something- is utterly and completely consuming you, and it's all you can think about, and it's all you see when you look at the world?
I realized that a few days ago... that my desire to be thin is chewing me up like a termite. I knew bulimia was dangerous... I didn't know that it was so easy to slip into and so impossible to stop. Now I am deep in it's clutches and I know there is no hope for me.
I watched my brother go through this. Not the bulimia, but the drug addiction. I watched him go in and out of jail and eventually spend six months in a bootcamp in the state prison. And I swore to myself I would never do that. I swore to myself I was stronger than that. Now I'm using laxatives and overdosing on drugs to make myself throw up.
It was hard, for a long time, admitting that what I'm doing is drug abuse, because I never thought it was possible that I could slip into this. But I guess it is.
I can't help wondering if I'm a horrible person because of the things I do. One could argue that because I'm mentally ill I'm partially not responsible. Well that's a crap argument. I am responsible. I am the one choosing to destroy myself.
I want to get help but I can't. I have high school to think about. I'm going to be valadictorian unless I mess things up. And nobody suspects me... I get straight A's, I play two sports, I play seven instruments, I teach music lessons, I'm in key club, I'm in Lincoln Douglas Debate. I'm a sophomore and I'm in all honors classes and calculus and I'm taking the AP bio exam in February. People don't look at me and see the truth- that I'm a pathetic, driveling creature and I spend weekends crying and cutting things into my legs and throwing up.
I want to be able to love myself and accept myself. But how can I when I am doing these things? I hope that I go to Hell because I deserve it. I'll deserve every sulfurous burn.
And now it's Christmas Eve and I'm remembering religion and my faith in my church has been the only thing that's kept me from killing myself, but if I'm going to Hell anyway, why should I bother?