Love

I'm going to write because I think I'll explode if I don't and it's so calm in the house but the snow is stacked outside and it feels like everything is closing in on me and I can't breathe, I'm suffocating in this silence. Olivia called and wanted me to go sledding and I said no because I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep for a thousand years and not have to think or feel. But in three hours my friends are coming over, the people in my band, and I'll have to play my guitar and laugh like nothing's wrong and I don't know if I can handle it and tonight Siobhan is dragging me to a party at her boyfriend's house and I just want to sit home alone. And Nick and Matt keep wanting to talk to me and do things with me, and I keep telling them I can't, I can't, I can't do the relationship thing and I'm so freaking bipolar I keep loving them and hating them, one or the other with nothing in between, and I miss Sam, and I miss being in his arms, because I felt safe there, and there were no strings attatched.
And I've been thinking about love and how fake it is, and how people just hurt you with it, like sex I guess it's just a horrible thing and love always hurts and sex always hurts and somehow they're connected unlike my thoughts today I know this is unreadable and unfollowable I'm sorry. But my mom tells me she loves me and my dad tells me he loves me and Craig tells me he loves me and my friends tell me they love me, well let's look at that.
I remember one time, there were soap bubbles everywhere that's what I remember most, at the kitchen sink and my mom was yelling at me, and I yelled one word back, "I..." and I was eleven or twelve I think and I knew as soon as I said it that I was dead. And she looked at me and she slapped me across the cheek and she shoved me against the sink and my head cracked against the cabinet and I just kept staring at the soap bubbles, thinking about how clean they were, feeling so dirty, just wanting to float away in them and she was pushing me and screaming at me and I just stared straight ahead until I dissociated away into some place cleaner and whiter. And my mom says she loves me but she's so mean to me, and her love hurts or is not real or something.
And I remember at home when I was downstairs and I'd just gotten home from Kristin H.'s house and Mom upstairs yelling, "come on Lindsay we're going to the hospital." and she was so calm and I was so confused and I asked why and she said because your dad's tried to kill himself and I went upstairs and his eyes were unfocused and I said dad why and he said, I just wanted to die I guess. And my dad says he loves me, but he tried to leave me, and if he loves me why did he almost leave me alone with my mom?
And Craig... what he did... I remember that in my nightmares. I remember that floor, the bedroom floor the living room floor, and I remember looking out the windows, blue sky gray clouds whatever, and I remember screaming for a long time but he was holding me down, it's a game he kept saying, and I remember crying and crying until finally something snapped inside of me and I floated away into the top corner of the room and watched, apathetic.
And my friends who have betrayed me....
AND WHAT THE HELL IS LOVE??? It doesn't seem like much to me besides a lot of pain and a lot of anger and a lot of mistakes to be forgiven and love must hurt does love always hurt??????
And all these flashes in my life of the people who swear they love me, hitting me raping me hurting me and it doesn't seem real, this love, this idea that love is a good thing.