death of a loved one

Human life consists in mutual service. No grief, pain, misfortune, or "broken heart," is excuse for cutting off one's life while any power of service remains. But when all usefulness is over, when one is assured of an unavoidable and imminent death, it is the simplest of human rights to choose a quick and easy death in place of a slow and horrible one.
-Charlotte Perkins Gilman

I suppose that what they have been trying to tell me all day is that this quote applies to dogs, that euthanasia is okay. I only know that as I held her head, as she begged to be petting (nudging her nose at me) even as the massive amount of sedative put her to sleep and stopped her heart, I hated my parents and I hated that vet. It felt so worng. I tried to keep my eyes open but I think I was crying too hard. I wasn't sure of the exact moment that she died. Her eyes didn't close. Her body was still warm. But I felt it sag a bit on me, more than a nudge, and though I suppose it was a quick and easy death for her, I believe it was the beginning of a long and painful death for me.

I have been in two dimensions all day. One is a dimension of unbelievable pain in which my head aches, my throat hurts, and the crying is unceasing. The other is a dimension of apathy, of disbelief. She can't be dead (though I felt her dying); she's still here somewhere, panting, waiting to nudge me to pet her, to love me unconditionally in that amazing dog way that she always has.

I don't know what's going on inside of me. I can't feel and I feel too much. I feel like puking up everything I've ever felt. Then, maybe, I could move on. I'm scared that the sorrow will create a gouge in life and I will be stuck. I'm scared I'll forget her and never feel sad again.