pulling out of it

Thursday was bad. I felt almost suicidal. I kinda went through school in the haze. My mom told me they were putting my dog to sleep today. I was eaten by guilt. I felt myself falling back into the abyss, and I didn't make any attempt to pull myself out. I didn't take my medicine. I felt overwhelming compulsions to cut, and I would have if it wasn't for the various people I knew that would disappoint. I guess I am proud of that- of getting through those cravings without succumbing.
My dad called after school Thursday and told me there was a chance of Sandy's (my dog) main problem being an autoimmune anemia and not hepatitis (although she has both, if the hepatitis was underlying she would die), which is treatable. I went to get a drink and see Charlie's house, and although the guilt was still there, I told him that Josh was really the only one for me, and that I couldn't make any sort of committment to him, and that I just wanted to have fun with him and hang out with him. I went to see my doggy and she looked way better. All her blood counts/jaundice counts (ballyrubin?) etc. were way better. My parents said that today they're even better, and she actually stood up and took a step on her own.
Today after school I went to Tizer Gardens with the same friends I went with nine months ago (Siobhan, Kyrstin, and Jo. Emma wasn't there this time, because Siobhan was mad at her or something) and it was so fun. I ate three smores. I'm feeling it now, the need to purge, but I'll fight it. I felt alive though. Being with friends makes me remember myself.
And today I also felt like a teenager in the way I acted with my friends, with Erin and everyone. I just laughed and laughed, and I threw a shoe at Siobhan when she called me brain dead, and I sang out loud to music and wrote notes in class instead of paying attention (multivariable discrete dynamical systems should NOT invade linear algebra. It's so confusing!). I was... a teenager. Not the depressed, suicidal, lost teenager I was yesterday, but a teenager with hope again.

And guess what! JOSH IS ON HIS WAY!!!!! That news is almost as exciting as my dog having hope. I've missed him so incredibly much since I last saw him. I have tried to plan out this weekend so it will go well, but I fear I will never do as good of a job at date-planning as he does. My parents or my brother/his wife will have to drive us everywhere, but we can be 'alone' in public places, which is actually I think a good compromise, as I didn't think my parents would even let him come.
I need him... I need him in a way I've never needed anyone before. I think he is a part of me. He knows me so thoroughly. He knows everything about me, all of my abysmal failures and all of my menial successes. He knows me and he loves me anyway. That means something... I understand that what I have with Josh is rare. It is worth more than so many temporary things in my life. I believe it will last.

I got my hair cut by the way! Six inches. Maybe I will post prom pics later. Anyway, I have got to go take a shower, as I smell like campfire smoke.

I feel a lot better today though. It reminds me that even when things feel utterly hopeless, change is possible, for better or for worse.