I knew when I came in today that I should take the box with me, but I didn't. I figured no one would look in my car. However, my father went to get something and he found the box of them. My only hope. The only salvation left.
I got yelled at by my mother for ten minutes. Why don't you talk to me? Do you think it's okay to just talk to Terry and never us? I have been working my ass off to pay for you to go to college and you don't talk to me. I'm not giving you any money if you don't talk to me.
I just sat there.
My father was trying to give me all these tips about how to avoid binging, how to lose fat, etc. etc. It's only partially about that though.
I NEED CONTROL. I need it so desperately it feels like a physical need. It replaces my need for food.
I didn't OD last night. But I am definitely not eating. They can't make me. I'm busy. I'll stay out. I can buy more boxes. They won't know.
For now all I can think of is SI. It's not nearly as much control as controlling my eating, but it will tide me over.
I thought about it today in my car. I told myself, You can't do this. You can't be weak like this. You have to be strong.

BUT I DON'T!!! I don't have to be anything. I don't have to be strong, I don't have to talk to my parents, I don't have to eat, I don't have to keep blurring through this loss of control, I don't have to get straight A's, I don't have to be perfect. Maybe my busyness is just a cover for if I ever fall apart. So far I have been completely unsuccessful in my attempts to fall apart, but things could change, couldn't they? I need the excuse.
I won't fall apart though. I can't.

I feel so horrible. So out of control. It was marvelous today, not eating. It felt like getting a drink of water after months (three and half months) in the desert. I don't have to do this. I do need control. It's not giving up. Maybe it's the strong thing. I don't know anymore.

Don't try to tell me not too. You live my life of debate, pit orchestra, violin, cello, piano, counseling, AP English outside of school, quintette practice, AP English essays, AP government tests, math that's quit making sense, college applications, grades hanging, mother screaming (yes, she did just scream), deadness... You live it without control. Then you can tell me what to do. Not until then.