I know that I said I was physically exhausted, and that's still true, I haven't really slept in a long time, but now I'm also complete emotionally and mentally drained.
I just don't feel well right now. It's a sort of moral nausea. I just want to throw up the world so I feel better.
Debate tournaments are incredibly taxing. This one went alright. Nothing good has ever really happened to me in Bozeman high school. We got second there at DI when I was in sixth grade when we were hoping for first. I've lost tennis matches there and soccer games. I've fumbled solos for solo festival. I went 0-2 at NFL's my sophomore year and was on the verge of destruction. I had to drag my bass around at all-state last year when I was so incredibly, miserably sick. The school has a dogma around it for me, and it permeates me with a feeling of defeat every time I step through the door.
I felt better this week about debating. I really wanted to win for my first two rounds. I deflated slightly after that, but I really gave it my all. And I guess it showed up. My preliminary record was 4-1, which I'm pretty happy with. But they broke to octafinals, and so I hit Jessica Oort. If they broke to quarter finals I still would have broken and I'm pretty sure she wouldn't have, but alas it was not meant to be.
I tried really hard in that round. I won one ballot out of three. The reason I lost the other two was that my criterion, Spiral Dynamics, is really too complicated to adequately explain in a debate. I tried though.
It makes me so frustrated, this pattern I set. I always focus on breaking, and when I break I kind of lose my focus. I have accomplished my goal, so I kind of lose the desire to win. I really need to work on outrounds. I need to work on caring enough about winning. Caring, yes, caring... so dangerous, so essential.
As to emotional exhaustion, there's just a lot of stuff going on right now and I don't know how to deal with some of it, and I feel inadequate and displaced and lost and angry for no reason.
Yuck.
4-1, though. I focus on that. Kudos to me for 4-1.
skip to main |
skip to sidebar
"What I realized suddenly was that the true failure would have been if I hadn't given a damn. You can bandage a wound, set a broken bone, but not caring...you can't cure that and you can't recover from it."
"What I realized suddenly was that the true failure would have been if I hadn't given a damn. You can bandage a wound, set a broken bone, but not caring...you can't cure that and you can't recover from it."
About Me
- Lindsay
- Everything in my life is about to change, and I'm absolutely terrified. I breathe one instant at a time.
1 comment:
yes, kudos to you.
there are different kinds of caring you know, and 'caring about winning' can be a particularly devious thing. caring about debating isn't necessarily the same as winning.
Post a Comment