grounded

I am grounded for asserting my independence again. It really is my fault. I keep forgetting I'm not eighteen yet. It feels like I should be in charge of my life now, not in eight months on my birthday.

After hours and hours of educated guessing and checking, I have come up with a three-dimensional function that can describe for a robot what color to put where to paint a mural. Fear my multi-variable modelling powers!

Who in the world has a robot paint a mural anyway? You don't need a two-variable equation to paint a mural; you just need some creativity.

Everything has been going up and down like crazy lately. I worry about people a lot. I don't know what to do for most of my friends. Sometimes I'm so depressed I just want to cut my wrist again, be that close to death or die. Sometimes I feel so in control of everything, so excited for my life.

I have been thinking about my beliefs:
I believe everyone is capable of change, but that people need help to exercise that capability.
I believe that everyone, with the proper help, can change their lives; everyone from heroin addicts to work-aholics.
I believe that fear is what prevents people from changing their lives, fear and unawareness of their internal motives and fears.
I believe that admitting you're wrong is very liberating, far more liberating than years of a false conviction that you are always right, or a shame in admitting you have made a mistake.
I believe we should love everyone.
I believe we should forgive those that we love an infinite number of times.
I believe that anger is ultimately unproductive, and that love is the purest motivator.
I believe that we don't have to buy in to American culture and live for tomorrow.
I believe that RIGHT NOW is enough to sustain me.
I believe that living RIGHT NOW is where peace is born.
I believe in the Buddhist concepts of meditation and truth.
I believe we don't have to be the victims of our circumstances.
I believe we are not condemned to repeat our previous mistakes.
I believe every moment is independent in and of itself.
I believe that everyone has good qualities.
I believe that sometimes the people we view as immoral are really just the products of an alien moral code.
I believe people are essentially good.
I believe the world is essentially hopeful.
I believe I am in control of myself all of the time. Maybe even when I'm dissociating and unconscious.
I believe you are innocent no matter how much you are hurt, and you only become guilty when you hurt yourself or someone else.
I believe in actions, not words. You should stop complaining and do something about it.
I believe cynicism is counter-productive.
I believe there's way too much emphasis on weight in our country, and that clothes sizes are getting smaller and smaller.
I believe education is an end in and of itself.
I believe everyone should be an end, never a means.
I believe truth comes from within and morality is innate, instilled by some higher truth.
I believe that even if love is blind, it is only blind to things we should pay as much attention to as we do anyway.
I believe that moral actions should be done out of love, not out of obligation or some other ulterior motive.
I believe I am the master of multivariable calculus modelling projects.
I believe everyone has a piece of the divine within themselves.
I believe that even if governments are corrupt, the people that run them aren't always.
I believe in being optimistic.
I believe in overcoming mental illness.
I believe in learning how to love ugliness as well as beauty.
I believe everyone is beautiful.
I believe I can change the world somehow.

I AM NOT AN IDEALIST.
I believe that too.