My parents told my grandparents that I don't have any life beyond homework.
That makes me so angry!!! I do too!!! I do things with friends every weekend I'm not at debate; I go to parties; I go out to lunch with people; I IM people; I go to movies; I go to football games etc. etc.
I DO TO HAVE A LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's like my parents saw that I already have no hope of my grandparents ever loving me because I don't care about money at all, and that's what they love about people- money-, and they made it worse by saying I don't have a life outside of homework, which they also disapprove of.
It may sound stupid but it makes me very, very, very, very, very angry at my parents.
Sunday, November 26, 2006
Friday, November 24, 2006
Florida
If my frail memories of AP US history allow me to recall anything, it is that Georgia was once a penal colony, and that once Florida was taken from Spain it was sort of an extension of the penal colony.
That may not be true. But it's an interesting thought.
Today we went to this African safari thing. I saw lots of elephants and Rhinos (which were literally right outside the car), lions etc., and I got to feed a giraffe. Every time the giraffe went to eat the food, it would encase my hand with its freakishly long blue tongue. It felt like a human tongue. It was weird, and very slobbery.
I have, true to form, not been truly vacationing, as I have homework, and I am reading Descartes. I really think that of all of the philosophers, Descartes was my soul brother. I read this in Discourse on Method and the Meditations and it rang really close to home:
That is why I shal take great care not to accept into my belief anything false.... But this undertaking is arduous, and a certian indolence leads me back imperceptibly into the ordinary course of life. And just as a slave who was enjoying in his sleep an imaginary freedom, fears to be awakened when he begins to suspect that his liberty is only a dream, and conspires with those pleasent illusions to be deceived by them longer, so I fall back of my own accord into my former opinions, and fear to awake from this slumber lest the laborious wakeful hours which would follow tihs peaceful rest, instead of bringing me any light of day into the knowledge of truth, would not be sufficient to disperse the shadows caused by the difficulties which have just been raised.
As modest as Descartes tried to be, he would probably not accept easily that a 17-year-old girl 360-something years later really understood how he felt when he wrote that. But I do. I've faced the abyss that philosophy creates; I faced the posibility of a life of enlightenment being way worse than the life of ignorance.
Shea told me, though, that once you start peeling away at assumption, you can never go back. And she was right. And the life I have found- partially of enlightenment, partially of comfortable old, even if false, assumptions- is manageable. It's lovable. It's surely worth living.
But all of my panic this summer is enclosed in the quote... I stood on the cliff of everything I knew, and I prepared to jump to something I believed more authentic, but I really didn't know if it was there.
There is one aspect I don't agree with Descartes on however. He believes that existence and enlightenment are only guarenteed when one is ratinalizing and thinking. I believe the only times I was truly alive this past summer were the times I stopped thinking, if only for an instant, and lived in the moment.
That may not be true. But it's an interesting thought.
Today we went to this African safari thing. I saw lots of elephants and Rhinos (which were literally right outside the car), lions etc., and I got to feed a giraffe. Every time the giraffe went to eat the food, it would encase my hand with its freakishly long blue tongue. It felt like a human tongue. It was weird, and very slobbery.
I have, true to form, not been truly vacationing, as I have homework, and I am reading Descartes. I really think that of all of the philosophers, Descartes was my soul brother. I read this in Discourse on Method and the Meditations and it rang really close to home:
That is why I shal take great care not to accept into my belief anything false.... But this undertaking is arduous, and a certian indolence leads me back imperceptibly into the ordinary course of life. And just as a slave who was enjoying in his sleep an imaginary freedom, fears to be awakened when he begins to suspect that his liberty is only a dream, and conspires with those pleasent illusions to be deceived by them longer, so I fall back of my own accord into my former opinions, and fear to awake from this slumber lest the laborious wakeful hours which would follow tihs peaceful rest, instead of bringing me any light of day into the knowledge of truth, would not be sufficient to disperse the shadows caused by the difficulties which have just been raised.
As modest as Descartes tried to be, he would probably not accept easily that a 17-year-old girl 360-something years later really understood how he felt when he wrote that. But I do. I've faced the abyss that philosophy creates; I faced the posibility of a life of enlightenment being way worse than the life of ignorance.
Shea told me, though, that once you start peeling away at assumption, you can never go back. And she was right. And the life I have found- partially of enlightenment, partially of comfortable old, even if false, assumptions- is manageable. It's lovable. It's surely worth living.
But all of my panic this summer is enclosed in the quote... I stood on the cliff of everything I knew, and I prepared to jump to something I believed more authentic, but I really didn't know if it was there.
There is one aspect I don't agree with Descartes on however. He believes that existence and enlightenment are only guarenteed when one is ratinalizing and thinking. I believe the only times I was truly alive this past summer were the times I stopped thinking, if only for an instant, and lived in the moment.
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Science olympiad: I didn't place in the events I worked the hardest on, although I think I was in the top seven out of about 30 on both. I did, however, get 2nd out of 40ish on the genetics test, which I didn't study for at all.
Irony.
Erin slept over last night and we watched V for Vendetta and John Tucker Must Die (insert underlining). They were very different movies. V for Vendetta is still absolutely amazing (domino scene=best scene of any movie I've ever seen). John Tucker Must Die was very entertaining, and not as sleezy as I was expecting.
Erin has helped me to learn the difference between normal touch and sexual touch, and has helped me become more comfortable with normal things like hugs.
Tonight I watched Rent and I sobbed through the entire second half because I missed Josh so much. I called him eventually and cried to him about how I need to see him, and he said he's coming on the eigth. He promised. I really, really hope it happens. I need to see him so badly.
I told my parents and we had a minor altercation, but it ended alright with me acknowledging that I share their concerns and them acknowledging that I'm old enough to make my own decisions and mistakes.
Something rather bad happened tonight, but I don't feel like admitting to it so I won't.
I'm going to go to Florida tomorrow for needed vacation.
I love you all. I love all of you that know me and that are my true friends and that give me real hugs, not the fake A-frame ones, or that would if you ever saw me.
Irony.
Erin slept over last night and we watched V for Vendetta and John Tucker Must Die (insert underlining). They were very different movies. V for Vendetta is still absolutely amazing (domino scene=best scene of any movie I've ever seen). John Tucker Must Die was very entertaining, and not as sleezy as I was expecting.
Erin has helped me to learn the difference between normal touch and sexual touch, and has helped me become more comfortable with normal things like hugs.
Tonight I watched Rent and I sobbed through the entire second half because I missed Josh so much. I called him eventually and cried to him about how I need to see him, and he said he's coming on the eigth. He promised. I really, really hope it happens. I need to see him so badly.
I told my parents and we had a minor altercation, but it ended alright with me acknowledging that I share their concerns and them acknowledging that I'm old enough to make my own decisions and mistakes.
Something rather bad happened tonight, but I don't feel like admitting to it so I won't.
I'm going to go to Florida tomorrow for needed vacation.
I love you all. I love all of you that know me and that are my true friends and that give me real hugs, not the fake A-frame ones, or that would if you ever saw me.
Sunday, November 19, 2006
vote aff
Dale Carnegie once said, "People rarely succeed unless they have fun in what they are doing." It is because I agree with Dale Carnegie that I can only affirm the resolution: I should stop debating the way I am debating.
Definitions from Lindsay's brain, 2006:
"The way I am debating": Focusing on winning, caring about the results of the round, expecting myself to do well, treating it as a measurement of self-worth.
Observation 1: Value and criterion
The value that must upheld in today's blog entry is my emotional well-being. Without my emotional well-being I am left as a hollow shell of a human being. The criterion that will weigh my emotional well-being is fun. Fun is defined by Lindsay's brain in 2006 as verbally: enjoying something no matter the results; or nounally: a sense of satisfaction derived from an action. Fun can weigh my emotional well-being in a debate round because if I do not have fun, then no matter the outcome the debate was not worthwhile and my emotional well-being is stripped away.
Contention one: The way I am currently debating is emotionally detrimental.
a. I hate myself when I lose
Currently, when I found out I have lost a round, I procede to hate myself and get angry at myself. I feel as if my self worth as a human being has lowered. This is not valuing my emotional wellbeing at all, and I am having no fun.
b. I leave debate tournaments feeling completely emotionall drained.
Everytime I am done with a tournament, whether I have done well or not, I feel as if I have been through an intensely emotionally trying experience. It frays my emotions and it leaves me vulnerable and especially anxious. This is not upholding my emotional wellbeing and my criterion of fun would never uphold such a seriously detrimental effect.
Contention two: If I changed the way I debated, it would be emotionally beneficial.
a. Not caring as much about winning would make the rounds more fun
If I wasn't so focused on winning I could be more focused on passionate and running odd crap that nobody will expect, or weird positions like flex negs, critical affs, and straight refutation. I wouldn't have to worry about winning or losing the round, because rounds wouldn't reflect my skills when I am debating at my best, but rather my skills at debating interesting positions. In this way my criterion of fun upholds my emotional wellbeing if I change the way I debate.
b. Believing in what I was doing would make rounds more fun
If I stopped running normal positions and ran what I really believe in, no matter what it took to manipulate it, I wouldn't sound bored or distanced in rounds; I would sound passionate and involved. I would be enjoying arguing something I truly believe in. In this manner my criterion of fun would uphold my value of emotional wellbeing.
In conclusion, the resolution must be affirmed or I will emotionally implode and spend the rest of my life in a mental hospital. I have reached a threshold and I cannot continue doing things the way that I am doing them.
Vote aff.
Definitions from Lindsay's brain, 2006:
"The way I am debating": Focusing on winning, caring about the results of the round, expecting myself to do well, treating it as a measurement of self-worth.
Observation 1: Value and criterion
The value that must upheld in today's blog entry is my emotional well-being. Without my emotional well-being I am left as a hollow shell of a human being. The criterion that will weigh my emotional well-being is fun. Fun is defined by Lindsay's brain in 2006 as verbally: enjoying something no matter the results; or nounally: a sense of satisfaction derived from an action. Fun can weigh my emotional well-being in a debate round because if I do not have fun, then no matter the outcome the debate was not worthwhile and my emotional well-being is stripped away.
Contention one: The way I am currently debating is emotionally detrimental.
a. I hate myself when I lose
Currently, when I found out I have lost a round, I procede to hate myself and get angry at myself. I feel as if my self worth as a human being has lowered. This is not valuing my emotional wellbeing at all, and I am having no fun.
b. I leave debate tournaments feeling completely emotionall drained.
Everytime I am done with a tournament, whether I have done well or not, I feel as if I have been through an intensely emotionally trying experience. It frays my emotions and it leaves me vulnerable and especially anxious. This is not upholding my emotional wellbeing and my criterion of fun would never uphold such a seriously detrimental effect.
Contention two: If I changed the way I debated, it would be emotionally beneficial.
a. Not caring as much about winning would make the rounds more fun
If I wasn't so focused on winning I could be more focused on passionate and running odd crap that nobody will expect, or weird positions like flex negs, critical affs, and straight refutation. I wouldn't have to worry about winning or losing the round, because rounds wouldn't reflect my skills when I am debating at my best, but rather my skills at debating interesting positions. In this way my criterion of fun upholds my emotional wellbeing if I change the way I debate.
b. Believing in what I was doing would make rounds more fun
If I stopped running normal positions and ran what I really believe in, no matter what it took to manipulate it, I wouldn't sound bored or distanced in rounds; I would sound passionate and involved. I would be enjoying arguing something I truly believe in. In this manner my criterion of fun would uphold my value of emotional wellbeing.
In conclusion, the resolution must be affirmed or I will emotionally implode and spend the rest of my life in a mental hospital. I have reached a threshold and I cannot continue doing things the way that I am doing them.
Vote aff.
Thursday, November 16, 2006
life
Crazy.
My parents go to Utah for a few days, and what happens to me? Do I throw some wild party with lots of alchol, rent a bunch of R rated movies? No (I've lost my driver's license anyway). I go to school, do homework, same as always. And then I get home after a really long day, and I have to go to a Key Club activity, and my key breaks in the ignition. So now I have no car, no parents.
Today I begged rides off of people all day, and missed a National Honors Society (stupidest club in the universe) meeting because I was at some lunch for commended students. If I miss one more I get kicked out. Having pondered this, it doesn't seem like the most horrible thing in the world.
I found out that I have to miss a concert in orchestra, so she told me I have to write a six page paper on a composer with in text citations and everything. I was so stressed at this point that I literally started crying. I tried really hard to make it so nobody saw. I felt so miserable. I had to walk to my cello lesson with Erin's cello, which doesn't have wheels or straps so my arms got really tired.
I finally got home after everything at about 9:30. I have a tournament tomorrow in Billings. I'm not prepared. My cases aren't edited. I have no briefs. My suit is still in the suitcase from the last tournament, which means I'm going to probably have to take my skirt or something. I feel really sick.
I found out I forgot to send my SAT II scores to MIT and Caltech somehow, and that I forgot to send my college transcript to MIT, Caltech, and UC. I felt pretty miserable when I found that out. I sent off the SAT scores tonight. I know Caltech will still take them; I hope that MIT will. I'll send off my transcript on Monday, which I also hope they'll still accept.
Man. This college stuff. It makes me feel like living forever in a cave some days.
And I have to miss four days of school; one for science olympiad, three because I'll be in Florida. I'll be in Florida doing the masses of homework I'll need to do to keep up.
*sigh*
I need a hug.
My parents go to Utah for a few days, and what happens to me? Do I throw some wild party with lots of alchol, rent a bunch of R rated movies? No (I've lost my driver's license anyway). I go to school, do homework, same as always. And then I get home after a really long day, and I have to go to a Key Club activity, and my key breaks in the ignition. So now I have no car, no parents.
Today I begged rides off of people all day, and missed a National Honors Society (stupidest club in the universe) meeting because I was at some lunch for commended students. If I miss one more I get kicked out. Having pondered this, it doesn't seem like the most horrible thing in the world.
I found out that I have to miss a concert in orchestra, so she told me I have to write a six page paper on a composer with in text citations and everything. I was so stressed at this point that I literally started crying. I tried really hard to make it so nobody saw. I felt so miserable. I had to walk to my cello lesson with Erin's cello, which doesn't have wheels or straps so my arms got really tired.
I finally got home after everything at about 9:30. I have a tournament tomorrow in Billings. I'm not prepared. My cases aren't edited. I have no briefs. My suit is still in the suitcase from the last tournament, which means I'm going to probably have to take my skirt or something. I feel really sick.
I found out I forgot to send my SAT II scores to MIT and Caltech somehow, and that I forgot to send my college transcript to MIT, Caltech, and UC. I felt pretty miserable when I found that out. I sent off the SAT scores tonight. I know Caltech will still take them; I hope that MIT will. I'll send off my transcript on Monday, which I also hope they'll still accept.
Man. This college stuff. It makes me feel like living forever in a cave some days.
And I have to miss four days of school; one for science olympiad, three because I'll be in Florida. I'll be in Florida doing the masses of homework I'll need to do to keep up.
*sigh*
I need a hug.
Monday, November 13, 2006
grounded
I am grounded for asserting my independence again. It really is my fault. I keep forgetting I'm not eighteen yet. It feels like I should be in charge of my life now, not in eight months on my birthday.
After hours and hours of educated guessing and checking, I have come up with a three-dimensional function that can describe for a robot what color to put where to paint a mural. Fear my multi-variable modelling powers!
Who in the world has a robot paint a mural anyway? You don't need a two-variable equation to paint a mural; you just need some creativity.
Everything has been going up and down like crazy lately. I worry about people a lot. I don't know what to do for most of my friends. Sometimes I'm so depressed I just want to cut my wrist again, be that close to death or die. Sometimes I feel so in control of everything, so excited for my life.
I have been thinking about my beliefs:
I believe everyone is capable of change, but that people need help to exercise that capability.
I believe that everyone, with the proper help, can change their lives; everyone from heroin addicts to work-aholics.
I believe that fear is what prevents people from changing their lives, fear and unawareness of their internal motives and fears.
I believe that admitting you're wrong is very liberating, far more liberating than years of a false conviction that you are always right, or a shame in admitting you have made a mistake.
I believe we should love everyone.
I believe we should forgive those that we love an infinite number of times.
I believe that anger is ultimately unproductive, and that love is the purest motivator.
I believe that we don't have to buy in to American culture and live for tomorrow.
I believe that RIGHT NOW is enough to sustain me.
I believe that living RIGHT NOW is where peace is born.
I believe in the Buddhist concepts of meditation and truth.
I believe we don't have to be the victims of our circumstances.
I believe we are not condemned to repeat our previous mistakes.
I believe every moment is independent in and of itself.
I believe that everyone has good qualities.
I believe that sometimes the people we view as immoral are really just the products of an alien moral code.
I believe people are essentially good.
I believe the world is essentially hopeful.
I believe I am in control of myself all of the time. Maybe even when I'm dissociating and unconscious.
I believe you are innocent no matter how much you are hurt, and you only become guilty when you hurt yourself or someone else.
I believe in actions, not words. You should stop complaining and do something about it.
I believe cynicism is counter-productive.
I believe there's way too much emphasis on weight in our country, and that clothes sizes are getting smaller and smaller.
I believe education is an end in and of itself.
I believe everyone should be an end, never a means.
I believe truth comes from within and morality is innate, instilled by some higher truth.
I believe that even if love is blind, it is only blind to things we should pay as much attention to as we do anyway.
I believe that moral actions should be done out of love, not out of obligation or some other ulterior motive.
I believe I am the master of multivariable calculus modelling projects.
I believe everyone has a piece of the divine within themselves.
I believe that even if governments are corrupt, the people that run them aren't always.
I believe in being optimistic.
I believe in overcoming mental illness.
I believe in learning how to love ugliness as well as beauty.
I believe everyone is beautiful.
I believe I can change the world somehow.
I AM NOT AN IDEALIST.
I believe that too.
After hours and hours of educated guessing and checking, I have come up with a three-dimensional function that can describe for a robot what color to put where to paint a mural. Fear my multi-variable modelling powers!
Who in the world has a robot paint a mural anyway? You don't need a two-variable equation to paint a mural; you just need some creativity.
Everything has been going up and down like crazy lately. I worry about people a lot. I don't know what to do for most of my friends. Sometimes I'm so depressed I just want to cut my wrist again, be that close to death or die. Sometimes I feel so in control of everything, so excited for my life.
I have been thinking about my beliefs:
I believe everyone is capable of change, but that people need help to exercise that capability.
I believe that everyone, with the proper help, can change their lives; everyone from heroin addicts to work-aholics.
I believe that fear is what prevents people from changing their lives, fear and unawareness of their internal motives and fears.
I believe that admitting you're wrong is very liberating, far more liberating than years of a false conviction that you are always right, or a shame in admitting you have made a mistake.
I believe we should love everyone.
I believe we should forgive those that we love an infinite number of times.
I believe that anger is ultimately unproductive, and that love is the purest motivator.
I believe that we don't have to buy in to American culture and live for tomorrow.
I believe that RIGHT NOW is enough to sustain me.
I believe that living RIGHT NOW is where peace is born.
I believe in the Buddhist concepts of meditation and truth.
I believe we don't have to be the victims of our circumstances.
I believe we are not condemned to repeat our previous mistakes.
I believe every moment is independent in and of itself.
I believe that everyone has good qualities.
I believe that sometimes the people we view as immoral are really just the products of an alien moral code.
I believe people are essentially good.
I believe the world is essentially hopeful.
I believe I am in control of myself all of the time. Maybe even when I'm dissociating and unconscious.
I believe you are innocent no matter how much you are hurt, and you only become guilty when you hurt yourself or someone else.
I believe in actions, not words. You should stop complaining and do something about it.
I believe cynicism is counter-productive.
I believe there's way too much emphasis on weight in our country, and that clothes sizes are getting smaller and smaller.
I believe education is an end in and of itself.
I believe everyone should be an end, never a means.
I believe truth comes from within and morality is innate, instilled by some higher truth.
I believe that even if love is blind, it is only blind to things we should pay as much attention to as we do anyway.
I believe that moral actions should be done out of love, not out of obligation or some other ulterior motive.
I believe I am the master of multivariable calculus modelling projects.
I believe everyone has a piece of the divine within themselves.
I believe that even if governments are corrupt, the people that run them aren't always.
I believe in being optimistic.
I believe in overcoming mental illness.
I believe in learning how to love ugliness as well as beauty.
I believe everyone is beautiful.
I believe I can change the world somehow.
I AM NOT AN IDEALIST.
I believe that too.
Sunday, November 12, 2006
everything is illuminated et all
Yesterday, after a productive morning and afternoon of healthy procrastination (which I'm also engaging in now) Erin and I went shopping and then watched movies and slept over at my house. Shopping was fun except that I have gained four or five pounds so I think my pant size has gone up. That's really depressing. And it's really depressing how they have all those mirrors in there, so you have to see yourself from every terrible angle. Erin and I decided to start helping each other exercise ten minutes a day and follow the weight watchers point system. I know I'll feel better if I get myself back in control.
The movies we saw were Corpse Bride, Everything is Illuminated, and Under the Tuscan Sun. I really liked all of them. Corpse Bride was really funny. I heard a lot of people say they didn't like it, but it's the best kids movie I've seen since Finding Nemo. I really liked the characterization of the parents of Victor and Victoria. It was just really good.
Under the Tuscan Sun was funny as well, and good, except I get really angry when people in movies sleep with each other the day they meet. It's so wrong, so tacky and degrading. It's so worth waiting, at least until you know someone's favorite color and annoying quirks. Also, the movie would have been much better if she didn't meet some guy in the end. It like negated the whole point of the movie in my opinion. She suddenly realized she had a family and friends and she didn't need a man, and that she would be okay without one, and suddenly 'poof,' prince charming. I guess it sort of went along with the theme a little bit, but I think it was better without her meeting him.
Everything is Illuminated was my favorite of the night. It was such a good movie. I thought it was going to be funny because the beginning was funny, but it ended up really sad and serious. It was a good change though, not jerky and confusing the way sudden mood changes can get. Erin was drooling over Elijah Wood the whole time. He's a rocking actor, but his looks are so overrated. Sure, he has pretty eyes, but he's not that hot. There are much cuter movie stars I think. Like the guy in The Devil Wears Prada. Of course they don't hold a candle to Josh. :-) But the movie made me think a lot. What would I do if someone held a gun to Josh's head and told me I had to deny God or they'd kill him? It would be such a terrible, terrible situation... But I would recommend the movie, anyway. It was awesome.
We finally got to bed in our way comfortable guest room bed at about 3 a.m. and we talked for a little bit, mostly about our most embarrassing memories. Truly embarrassing memories aren't funny at all; they're just really painful. You lock them up inside of you and pray they'll go away because they make you so ashamed that you don't think you can ever tell anyone you plan on looking in the face again... at least that's what they're like for me. Erin didn't seem quite as traumatized by hers. But I told her something that happened a year and half ago that I thought I could never tell anyone. I didn't really plan on telling her, it was just dark and quiet and calm, and it's been scraping at my insides for a year and half. It felt okay to tell her, which says something, because I think I'd rather die than tell anyone else, even people I feel like I can say everything else to. So I feel a lot better today. I didn't know it was weighing me down that much, but I feel a billiong pound lighter (I wish I actually was a billion pounds lighter).
So moral of the story: watch Everything is Illuminated and Corpse Bride. Under the Tuscan Sun was pretty funny, but nothing amazing.
The movies we saw were Corpse Bride, Everything is Illuminated, and Under the Tuscan Sun. I really liked all of them. Corpse Bride was really funny. I heard a lot of people say they didn't like it, but it's the best kids movie I've seen since Finding Nemo. I really liked the characterization of the parents of Victor and Victoria. It was just really good.
Under the Tuscan Sun was funny as well, and good, except I get really angry when people in movies sleep with each other the day they meet. It's so wrong, so tacky and degrading. It's so worth waiting, at least until you know someone's favorite color and annoying quirks. Also, the movie would have been much better if she didn't meet some guy in the end. It like negated the whole point of the movie in my opinion. She suddenly realized she had a family and friends and she didn't need a man, and that she would be okay without one, and suddenly 'poof,' prince charming. I guess it sort of went along with the theme a little bit, but I think it was better without her meeting him.
Everything is Illuminated was my favorite of the night. It was such a good movie. I thought it was going to be funny because the beginning was funny, but it ended up really sad and serious. It was a good change though, not jerky and confusing the way sudden mood changes can get. Erin was drooling over Elijah Wood the whole time. He's a rocking actor, but his looks are so overrated. Sure, he has pretty eyes, but he's not that hot. There are much cuter movie stars I think. Like the guy in The Devil Wears Prada. Of course they don't hold a candle to Josh. :-) But the movie made me think a lot. What would I do if someone held a gun to Josh's head and told me I had to deny God or they'd kill him? It would be such a terrible, terrible situation... But I would recommend the movie, anyway. It was awesome.
We finally got to bed in our way comfortable guest room bed at about 3 a.m. and we talked for a little bit, mostly about our most embarrassing memories. Truly embarrassing memories aren't funny at all; they're just really painful. You lock them up inside of you and pray they'll go away because they make you so ashamed that you don't think you can ever tell anyone you plan on looking in the face again... at least that's what they're like for me. Erin didn't seem quite as traumatized by hers. But I told her something that happened a year and half ago that I thought I could never tell anyone. I didn't really plan on telling her, it was just dark and quiet and calm, and it's been scraping at my insides for a year and half. It felt okay to tell her, which says something, because I think I'd rather die than tell anyone else, even people I feel like I can say everything else to. So I feel a lot better today. I didn't know it was weighing me down that much, but I feel a billiong pound lighter (I wish I actually was a billion pounds lighter).
So moral of the story: watch Everything is Illuminated and Corpse Bride. Under the Tuscan Sun was pretty funny, but nothing amazing.
Thursday, November 09, 2006
Chomsky
We talked about Chomsky tonight in AP language. It was really interesting, because before I've only had limited knowledge of him (not that my knowledge is that much more extensive after a two-hour talk).
I think maybe I agree with his critique of media in democracy. We also talked in class about how the US is becoming steadily more conservative and that only republicans and democrats are really in the political focus at the moment when there are in actuality so many more political parties. That drives me crazy; how in the world can everyone fit into two catagories?!
We decided that because the US is becoming more conservative, the only end in sight is when it becomes a totalitarian regime, like fascist or something, and it's obvious that the media is simply false propaganda, and there is a revolution to put us back to a more balanced state.
I guess I agreed with all of that, except you couldn't really call me entirely liberal. My economic ideals are extremely liberal. I believe in socialism. I think we should share everything; there shouldn't be private property, and all the products of everyone's work should be distributed amongst everyone. Yes, even those that don't work as hard. I believe everyone, even illegal immigrants, should get healthcare, education, and other human rights on the UNDHR. Socialism and universal rights would eliminate a lot of unfair stratification, in my opinion. We should share. :-) So I guess you could say I'm way left economically.
However, I am the opposite of a libertarian; I am way liberal economically, mostly conservative socially. I believe gay people should get all of the political financial benefits of a married couple, but that the institution of marriage needs to remain a man and woman thing. I don't believe in abortion. I'm religious, so I think morals should take a huge place in political decisions. Killing someone is never okay. Personal responsibility is important.
I thought it was a very interesting discussion though. I think I'm going to look more into this Chomsky fellow.
[sidenote- today I got my third flat tire in three weeks. I had to walk to math class. I was twenty minutes late. Then I had to walk back to school. It's not that far, probably 1-2 miles round-trip, but it was weird walking about during the middle of the day.]
I think maybe I agree with his critique of media in democracy. We also talked in class about how the US is becoming steadily more conservative and that only republicans and democrats are really in the political focus at the moment when there are in actuality so many more political parties. That drives me crazy; how in the world can everyone fit into two catagories?!
We decided that because the US is becoming more conservative, the only end in sight is when it becomes a totalitarian regime, like fascist or something, and it's obvious that the media is simply false propaganda, and there is a revolution to put us back to a more balanced state.
I guess I agreed with all of that, except you couldn't really call me entirely liberal. My economic ideals are extremely liberal. I believe in socialism. I think we should share everything; there shouldn't be private property, and all the products of everyone's work should be distributed amongst everyone. Yes, even those that don't work as hard. I believe everyone, even illegal immigrants, should get healthcare, education, and other human rights on the UNDHR. Socialism and universal rights would eliminate a lot of unfair stratification, in my opinion. We should share. :-) So I guess you could say I'm way left economically.
However, I am the opposite of a libertarian; I am way liberal economically, mostly conservative socially. I believe gay people should get all of the political financial benefits of a married couple, but that the institution of marriage needs to remain a man and woman thing. I don't believe in abortion. I'm religious, so I think morals should take a huge place in political decisions. Killing someone is never okay. Personal responsibility is important.
I thought it was a very interesting discussion though. I think I'm going to look more into this Chomsky fellow.
[sidenote- today I got my third flat tire in three weeks. I had to walk to math class. I was twenty minutes late. Then I had to walk back to school. It's not that far, probably 1-2 miles round-trip, but it was weird walking about during the middle of the day.]
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
now
I don't know what to think.
What to feel.
What to say.
What to do.
Who to be.
How to help you, or anyone.
I don't know why I do the things I do, what part of me reacts to the things that hurt it.
What if the future hangs on a thread so invisible that we ignored it, but one breath of too-fast air will tear it apart?
I did terribly on a math test today. The highest I could have gotten is a low B. After getting 100% on the first two.
I walked out of seminary today praying, "God, please, I can't make my own decisions anymore, just tell me what to do."
What to feel.
What to say.
What to do.
Who to be.
How to help you, or anyone.
I don't know why I do the things I do, what part of me reacts to the things that hurt it.
What if the future hangs on a thread so invisible that we ignored it, but one breath of too-fast air will tear it apart?
I did terribly on a math test today. The highest I could have gotten is a low B. After getting 100% on the first two.
I walked out of seminary today praying, "God, please, I can't make my own decisions anymore, just tell me what to do."
Monday, November 06, 2006
geekiest valentine ever
♥ is a function of xx and xy. xx and xy are in units of ♥, so ♥ (xx,xy) is in units of ♥.
∫[-∞,∞]∫[-∞,∞]♥dxxdxy
I think I win the geeky contest with this one.
[Explanation: This is the integral of love first with respect to xx, or the female chromosomes, then with respect to xy, or the male chromosomes. It's all in units of love. Assuming love is a unit, this integral would give me the volume of love in units of love^3. Because the limits are negative to positive infinity on both integrals, the answer is infinite.]
I thought of this in math class. It was more entertaining than paying attention.
Saturday, November 04, 2006
EXHAUSTED
I know that I said I was physically exhausted, and that's still true, I haven't really slept in a long time, but now I'm also complete emotionally and mentally drained.
I just don't feel well right now. It's a sort of moral nausea. I just want to throw up the world so I feel better.
Debate tournaments are incredibly taxing. This one went alright. Nothing good has ever really happened to me in Bozeman high school. We got second there at DI when I was in sixth grade when we were hoping for first. I've lost tennis matches there and soccer games. I've fumbled solos for solo festival. I went 0-2 at NFL's my sophomore year and was on the verge of destruction. I had to drag my bass around at all-state last year when I was so incredibly, miserably sick. The school has a dogma around it for me, and it permeates me with a feeling of defeat every time I step through the door.
I felt better this week about debating. I really wanted to win for my first two rounds. I deflated slightly after that, but I really gave it my all. And I guess it showed up. My preliminary record was 4-1, which I'm pretty happy with. But they broke to octafinals, and so I hit Jessica Oort. If they broke to quarter finals I still would have broken and I'm pretty sure she wouldn't have, but alas it was not meant to be.
I tried really hard in that round. I won one ballot out of three. The reason I lost the other two was that my criterion, Spiral Dynamics, is really too complicated to adequately explain in a debate. I tried though.
It makes me so frustrated, this pattern I set. I always focus on breaking, and when I break I kind of lose my focus. I have accomplished my goal, so I kind of lose the desire to win. I really need to work on outrounds. I need to work on caring enough about winning. Caring, yes, caring... so dangerous, so essential.
As to emotional exhaustion, there's just a lot of stuff going on right now and I don't know how to deal with some of it, and I feel inadequate and displaced and lost and angry for no reason.
Yuck.
4-1, though. I focus on that. Kudos to me for 4-1.
I just don't feel well right now. It's a sort of moral nausea. I just want to throw up the world so I feel better.
Debate tournaments are incredibly taxing. This one went alright. Nothing good has ever really happened to me in Bozeman high school. We got second there at DI when I was in sixth grade when we were hoping for first. I've lost tennis matches there and soccer games. I've fumbled solos for solo festival. I went 0-2 at NFL's my sophomore year and was on the verge of destruction. I had to drag my bass around at all-state last year when I was so incredibly, miserably sick. The school has a dogma around it for me, and it permeates me with a feeling of defeat every time I step through the door.
I felt better this week about debating. I really wanted to win for my first two rounds. I deflated slightly after that, but I really gave it my all. And I guess it showed up. My preliminary record was 4-1, which I'm pretty happy with. But they broke to octafinals, and so I hit Jessica Oort. If they broke to quarter finals I still would have broken and I'm pretty sure she wouldn't have, but alas it was not meant to be.
I tried really hard in that round. I won one ballot out of three. The reason I lost the other two was that my criterion, Spiral Dynamics, is really too complicated to adequately explain in a debate. I tried though.
It makes me so frustrated, this pattern I set. I always focus on breaking, and when I break I kind of lose my focus. I have accomplished my goal, so I kind of lose the desire to win. I really need to work on outrounds. I need to work on caring enough about winning. Caring, yes, caring... so dangerous, so essential.
As to emotional exhaustion, there's just a lot of stuff going on right now and I don't know how to deal with some of it, and I feel inadequate and displaced and lost and angry for no reason.
Yuck.
4-1, though. I focus on that. Kudos to me for 4-1.
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
I am SO profoundly exhausted. I can't stay awake anymore to do homework. I fall asleep with my head on Resurrection. I fall asleep with the lamp on. It takes me a long time to wake up in the morning. I don't take my morning meds anymore because they make me sleep through seminary. I feel like I'm sleeping through everything when I should be awake. But I'm so, so tired...
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Maybe it's a paradox that my two favorite holidays are Halloween and Christmas, but they've both become secularized, thankfully for Halloween, not thankfully, in my opinion, for Christmas.
Anyway, this is the first year in a long time that I'm not going trick-or-treating. It's very cold, and I have so much homework. Apparently our teachers decided we are too old for trick-or-treating, because they sure didn't give us a break.
I still love Halloween though. I love the kids in costumes, I love the pumpkin carving (although I didn't do that this year either), I love... the feeling.
Happy Halloween.
Anyway, this is the first year in a long time that I'm not going trick-or-treating. It's very cold, and I have so much homework. Apparently our teachers decided we are too old for trick-or-treating, because they sure didn't give us a break.
I still love Halloween though. I love the kids in costumes, I love the pumpkin carving (although I didn't do that this year either), I love... the feeling.
Happy Halloween.
Saturday, October 28, 2006
life yesterday and today
Yesterday during lunch after Jill got her Mountain Dew fix we stumbled into the science olympiad meeting at the last minute. I had to sign up for time slots for the three events I'm doing (genetics, forensics, and this music thing), and once I was all signed up it added up to five hours a week or something. So then I sort of started freaking out, because I don't know how I have time to add five more hours a week to my schedule when I don't even have time to practice violin, cello, and piano. I felt really stressed and really terrible. Not like debating at all.
I guess I just didn't feel ready to debate this weekend. I didn't have enough stamina to care about winning. Caring is a dangerous thing in debate. It can burn you so easily.
So I'm off to a bit of a rocky start in debate. Last night went pretty well, I was 2-1 when I came home. Then I was trying to do my math homework on the computer and my mom said, "Don't you ever get off the computer?" but in this really bad tone of voice, and then I started making a lot of mistakes very against what I said in my last post. I replied, "Well, don't you ever stop watching TV? It's the same thing!" Which is true, because all my mom ever does at night is watch TV, and she won't talk to me unless it's during a commercial (this was a commercial). Then she got all upset and said I don't appreciate her etc., and I said I do appreciate her, she's the one that thinks I don't and nothing I say can change that. Then she said, "Am I not supportive of you?" and I made my biggest mistake of all: I said, "You are financially." Which is very mean and hurtful and unfair of me to say, because although my mother really isn't emotionally supportive of me, she really tries to be, and I need to acknowledge that. I know she loves me and cares about my emotional well-being.
Anyway, she responded with, "Well up yours!" and nothing got better after that.
Thank gosh my dad is back today. Left too long together, my mom and I might kill each other.
So I started debating this morning with not the most enthusiastic of spirits. My speaker points are always very high (last week I was first speaker for a long while) and there were an odd number of people in the 2-1 bracket so I got pulled up because of my high speaker points and had to debate someone that was 3-0: red-haired girl. I've got to hand it to her, she is legitimately good. It was a really good debate. There was a lot of clash, and the clarity was there. I think I did pretty well. But anyway, I lost, and red-haired girl went on to break 5-0 and win the tournament. (Two years ago at my home-town tournament she knocked me out in semifinals. Oh, the injustice.)
Then, my final round I was a bit upset from my fourth round and I hit the girl I hit two weeks ago in Great Falls, and it was the most muddled round you can imagine. There was no clarity of issues at all, we were off topic (we argued about whether water is free for way too much of the debate). I have a problem with muddled opponants: I buy into it. I get even more confused than they are, and I almost always lose. Apparently we sufficiently confused the judge, though, because Amanda said he changed the winner on the ballot- first he had me as winning, then he switched it around.
It's really too bad I lost that round because if I had won I would have definitely broken because my speaker points were so high. The girl that beat me didn't break, I don't think.
I was feeling a bit depressed at going 2-3, but I knew I couldn't have expected a lot because I just really didn't feel like debating this weekend. I get so frustrated with debate and caring... when you care and you do badly it just makes you want to quit. I was also reading Tolstoy's Resurrection which is this amazing book, but I find the cynicism in it very Randian and depressing. Everything is becoming so complicated.
To solve that problem, Jill and I found the rolling platforms for the policy tubs and started pushing each other down the hall as fast as we could and letting go and trying not to crash into lockers as we rolled along. First I ran Jill about into red-haired girl (whose name is Hannah, by the way), and she just sort of stared at us and asked what we were doing. There was a long, awkward pause during which I tried to think of how to respond before I finally said, "rolling?" Red-haired girl sort of stared at us. "Oh," she said, "Well, it looks like... fun..." Jill then took the opportunity to ameleorate the situation by saying, "Yeah, it's Lindsay's turn now!" at which the pause lengthened uncomfortably until red-haired girl emitted a forced laugh and walked away with her minions. (She really is nice outside of rounds though. I think Jill and I just may be too weird for her.)
I didn't let that stop me though. I got on that scooter thing and Jill pushed me as hard as she could for the entire length of the hall. I went flying down the ramp and the end of a hall and crashed into a heater, falling off the scooter, and looking up to see Mr. Pogreba and some other coach talking a few feet away. Basically, Mr. Po was having a nice little private conversation when out of nowhere I came flying by on a policy tub scooter and crashed right into the conversation. Mr. Po said, "What the h**l?" and for a moment I was rather nervous that he would be angry, but I was laughing too hard to respond. Jill took another opportunity to ameleorate the situation here by running after me and shouting something like, "Oh man, you cra..." and trailing off as she rounded the corner, nearly smashing into Pogreba.
It's a good thing Tiaphany and Sean were winning, because Mr. Pogreba might have crucified us if he wasn't in a good mood.
It was very fun though, very youth-affirming. I don't really care what people think about me. I'll go flying down the hallways on scooters whilst wearing a suit if I want to.
I guess, though, that we were really loud and policy rounds going on in nearby rooms could hear us. Or at least according to Tiaphany, who also asked us later what the h**l Jill and I were doing that was making so much noise.
Feeling better, but still daunted by masses of homework I couldn't do during the tournament due to the ample distractions of teenage boys hurling footballs and kickballs in Mr. Po's room, I went to the quarter-final LD round. It was Kristin versus red-haired girl, and it was a really good round. I thought it was worthwhile, much more worthwhile than the final round two weeks ago.
Brittany, Jill, Greg and I skipped sems for a necessary Starbucks run, during which I watched Greg kill Jill at chess even though she wouldn't let him have a queen to try to make the match more fair.
I dragged Brittany to policy finals (I really, really like policy- it reminds me of chess) and during the round I felt my debating spirit rekindle in me for the first time this year. When Sean ended the debate with his lovely Wendy's analogy (the 2AR began with, "In the 1980's there was a Wendy's commercial of a woman opening a McDonald's hamburger and shouting 'where's the meat?' This is exactly what I feel like shouting at the negative team) I realized I was ready to win, I was ready to try. I feel like I have it in me to win if I just apply myself. I need a spirit. This weekend I just didn't have it, or two weeks ago. But it's in me. At the end of last year I was breaking at every tournament with 4-0, 3-1, 4-1 etc. I know I have that in me. Sometimes it's just so dangerous to care...
But you have to care about things, don't you? I'm so tempted to just switch to original oratory or something because then my failure can be excused by my newness. I have no excuses in LD. It's so dangerous that I actually sabatoge myself. What happened this tournament was I didn't try my best so I would actually have an excuse if I didn't do well. I feel, though, that this philosophy isn't right. I am ready to try next weekend. I need to change my cases, but I'm ready to give it my all. Sometimes life takes risks. I can't be so afraid of failing that I don't even try.
I guess I just didn't feel ready to debate this weekend. I didn't have enough stamina to care about winning. Caring is a dangerous thing in debate. It can burn you so easily.
So I'm off to a bit of a rocky start in debate. Last night went pretty well, I was 2-1 when I came home. Then I was trying to do my math homework on the computer and my mom said, "Don't you ever get off the computer?" but in this really bad tone of voice, and then I started making a lot of mistakes very against what I said in my last post. I replied, "Well, don't you ever stop watching TV? It's the same thing!" Which is true, because all my mom ever does at night is watch TV, and she won't talk to me unless it's during a commercial (this was a commercial). Then she got all upset and said I don't appreciate her etc., and I said I do appreciate her, she's the one that thinks I don't and nothing I say can change that. Then she said, "Am I not supportive of you?" and I made my biggest mistake of all: I said, "You are financially." Which is very mean and hurtful and unfair of me to say, because although my mother really isn't emotionally supportive of me, she really tries to be, and I need to acknowledge that. I know she loves me and cares about my emotional well-being.
Anyway, she responded with, "Well up yours!" and nothing got better after that.
Thank gosh my dad is back today. Left too long together, my mom and I might kill each other.
So I started debating this morning with not the most enthusiastic of spirits. My speaker points are always very high (last week I was first speaker for a long while) and there were an odd number of people in the 2-1 bracket so I got pulled up because of my high speaker points and had to debate someone that was 3-0: red-haired girl. I've got to hand it to her, she is legitimately good. It was a really good debate. There was a lot of clash, and the clarity was there. I think I did pretty well. But anyway, I lost, and red-haired girl went on to break 5-0 and win the tournament. (Two years ago at my home-town tournament she knocked me out in semifinals. Oh, the injustice.)
Then, my final round I was a bit upset from my fourth round and I hit the girl I hit two weeks ago in Great Falls, and it was the most muddled round you can imagine. There was no clarity of issues at all, we were off topic (we argued about whether water is free for way too much of the debate). I have a problem with muddled opponants: I buy into it. I get even more confused than they are, and I almost always lose. Apparently we sufficiently confused the judge, though, because Amanda said he changed the winner on the ballot- first he had me as winning, then he switched it around.
It's really too bad I lost that round because if I had won I would have definitely broken because my speaker points were so high. The girl that beat me didn't break, I don't think.
I was feeling a bit depressed at going 2-3, but I knew I couldn't have expected a lot because I just really didn't feel like debating this weekend. I get so frustrated with debate and caring... when you care and you do badly it just makes you want to quit. I was also reading Tolstoy's Resurrection which is this amazing book, but I find the cynicism in it very Randian and depressing. Everything is becoming so complicated.
To solve that problem, Jill and I found the rolling platforms for the policy tubs and started pushing each other down the hall as fast as we could and letting go and trying not to crash into lockers as we rolled along. First I ran Jill about into red-haired girl (whose name is Hannah, by the way), and she just sort of stared at us and asked what we were doing. There was a long, awkward pause during which I tried to think of how to respond before I finally said, "rolling?" Red-haired girl sort of stared at us. "Oh," she said, "Well, it looks like... fun..." Jill then took the opportunity to ameleorate the situation by saying, "Yeah, it's Lindsay's turn now!" at which the pause lengthened uncomfortably until red-haired girl emitted a forced laugh and walked away with her minions. (She really is nice outside of rounds though. I think Jill and I just may be too weird for her.)
I didn't let that stop me though. I got on that scooter thing and Jill pushed me as hard as she could for the entire length of the hall. I went flying down the ramp and the end of a hall and crashed into a heater, falling off the scooter, and looking up to see Mr. Pogreba and some other coach talking a few feet away. Basically, Mr. Po was having a nice little private conversation when out of nowhere I came flying by on a policy tub scooter and crashed right into the conversation. Mr. Po said, "What the h**l?" and for a moment I was rather nervous that he would be angry, but I was laughing too hard to respond. Jill took another opportunity to ameleorate the situation here by running after me and shouting something like, "Oh man, you cra..." and trailing off as she rounded the corner, nearly smashing into Pogreba.
It's a good thing Tiaphany and Sean were winning, because Mr. Pogreba might have crucified us if he wasn't in a good mood.
It was very fun though, very youth-affirming. I don't really care what people think about me. I'll go flying down the hallways on scooters whilst wearing a suit if I want to.
I guess, though, that we were really loud and policy rounds going on in nearby rooms could hear us. Or at least according to Tiaphany, who also asked us later what the h**l Jill and I were doing that was making so much noise.
Feeling better, but still daunted by masses of homework I couldn't do during the tournament due to the ample distractions of teenage boys hurling footballs and kickballs in Mr. Po's room, I went to the quarter-final LD round. It was Kristin versus red-haired girl, and it was a really good round. I thought it was worthwhile, much more worthwhile than the final round two weeks ago.
Brittany, Jill, Greg and I skipped sems for a necessary Starbucks run, during which I watched Greg kill Jill at chess even though she wouldn't let him have a queen to try to make the match more fair.
I dragged Brittany to policy finals (I really, really like policy- it reminds me of chess) and during the round I felt my debating spirit rekindle in me for the first time this year. When Sean ended the debate with his lovely Wendy's analogy (the 2AR began with, "In the 1980's there was a Wendy's commercial of a woman opening a McDonald's hamburger and shouting 'where's the meat?' This is exactly what I feel like shouting at the negative team) I realized I was ready to win, I was ready to try. I feel like I have it in me to win if I just apply myself. I need a spirit. This weekend I just didn't have it, or two weeks ago. But it's in me. At the end of last year I was breaking at every tournament with 4-0, 3-1, 4-1 etc. I know I have that in me. Sometimes it's just so dangerous to care...
But you have to care about things, don't you? I'm so tempted to just switch to original oratory or something because then my failure can be excused by my newness. I have no excuses in LD. It's so dangerous that I actually sabatoge myself. What happened this tournament was I didn't try my best so I would actually have an excuse if I didn't do well. I feel, though, that this philosophy isn't right. I am ready to try next weekend. I need to change my cases, but I'm ready to give it my all. Sometimes life takes risks. I can't be so afraid of failing that I don't even try.
Thursday, October 26, 2006
I feel like I keep complaining about the same things over and over. But they don't go away. I think that's probably my fault. I think I should fix them. I think I should be accountable.
My mom and I do not get along. At all. I don't know whose fault it is. I would love to blame her for all of my anger and stress, because I'm usually doing pretty well when I come home from school but after I'm with her a while I get very angry and anxious. And I argue, I guess. I know it's partially my fault. I talk back. I don't let her walk all over me. I fight.
When I was about nine I figured out that if when she was yelling at me and such I remained calm then she would probably get even more angry than if I argued, but she wouldn't be able to justify screaming or hitting me as easily. So I started telling myself "stiff as a board" every time I felt myself starting to get angry. I would stand there and stay calm with rage boiling like lava inside of me, so I felt like all of my insides were bubbling against my skin, expanding to the point of explosion... but I got pretty good at it. I swallowed the anger like bad medicine; I kept it all inside.
I'm not as good at that as I used to be, and I need to start doing it again. I get so angry. I'm not an angry person, I'm really not. But I get SO incredibly angry at my mom. I feel like hurting something. I never really feel like hurting her, just myself, or I feel like taking everything breakable in the house and throwing it as hard as I can against the ground. It's so satisfying to see things shatter, to know you caused it. I don't know how to deal with the anger I have towards my mom. I need to start trying the stiff as a board thing again. I need to stop fighting. I need to swallow all of that rage (swallow all your bitter pills, that's what makes you beautiful...).
It makes me so angry, though. When I was young, I watched my brother and my mom rage, worse fights than my mom and I have ever been in. He screamed at her every day. He told her he hated her. I watched it all turn to self-pity in her. I watched her cry, victimize herself. I told myself I would never do to her what my brother did. I promised myself I would be a better child. I would never make her stay up all night aching with worry. I would never, ever tell her I hated her. I would never do anything as bad as Craig did.
And that was my life... that was my goal in life. I wanted to make her happy. I wanted to be the opposite of Craig. I wanted to be good enough for her. I wanted to be the child that didn't cause her trouble. But through everything she always said to me, "You're acting just like Craig!"
I don't think any other five words could sting a heart as badly as those words stung mine. It was like she was saying, "I know everything that you want to be in life; I know all of your secrets, your dreams, your aspirations. I know that, and I know how to hurt you the most: you'll never accomplish them. You'll fail at them all."
All I ever wanted was to be good enough, and every day she told me I was failing.
Let me tell you how unfair it is... my mom and my brother get along perfectly right now. They have for years. No more fights. My mom accepts my brother for who he is. My brother completely supports my mom, or at least it seems like it. He and I don't really talk anymore about anything other than money and jobs.
He's the one that fought with her! He's the one that did all of those horrible things to her! He's the one that told her he hated her for weeks on end, that ran away, that stole her car, that broke her heart!
But his relationship with her is better than mine with her will ever be. There are no secret animosities in that relationship. There is no buried rage, because my brother never buried it; he always bore it in his screaming and his anger. I swallow, swallow, swallow all those pills. Why? Because I want to be the good child! I want to be the one she loves!
It's so unfair! All he ever did was hurt her, and she forgave him for every bit of it. He never tried to honor her; he never tried to follow her wishes; he never respected her. My whole life I have struggled to do all of those things. But I told someone something. I made her a villain. I drove a wedge between us.
And now he's on her side, and every night my mom and I argue.
I'M THE ONE THAT CARED!!! I'M THE ONE THAT TRIED!!! I'M THE ONE THAT WATCHES YOU CRY, AND HATES MYSELF FOR EVERY TEAR!! I'M THE ONE THAT DID EVERYTHING SO YOU WOULD BE PROUD OF ME! I'M THE ONE THAT WANTED YOUR APPROVAL, THAT NEVER REBELLED!!
why can't you love me like you love him?
why wasn't it ever enough?
how can I be enough for you?
I'm the one now that's fighting to maintain a relationship with you, fighting to be forgiven, but it's him you talk to without anger. It's him you're really proud of.
I'm so bitter. So angry, so resentful. And I hate those feelings. I hate them so much. And I know I'm allowing them to coalesce within me, and it makes me hate myself for not stopping it, because I know I must have the power to stop it within me somewhere.
i want to be good enough for you, because that is what my life has been about, and if you tell me i have failed at that...
then what am i?
My mom and I do not get along. At all. I don't know whose fault it is. I would love to blame her for all of my anger and stress, because I'm usually doing pretty well when I come home from school but after I'm with her a while I get very angry and anxious. And I argue, I guess. I know it's partially my fault. I talk back. I don't let her walk all over me. I fight.
When I was about nine I figured out that if when she was yelling at me and such I remained calm then she would probably get even more angry than if I argued, but she wouldn't be able to justify screaming or hitting me as easily. So I started telling myself "stiff as a board" every time I felt myself starting to get angry. I would stand there and stay calm with rage boiling like lava inside of me, so I felt like all of my insides were bubbling against my skin, expanding to the point of explosion... but I got pretty good at it. I swallowed the anger like bad medicine; I kept it all inside.
I'm not as good at that as I used to be, and I need to start doing it again. I get so angry. I'm not an angry person, I'm really not. But I get SO incredibly angry at my mom. I feel like hurting something. I never really feel like hurting her, just myself, or I feel like taking everything breakable in the house and throwing it as hard as I can against the ground. It's so satisfying to see things shatter, to know you caused it. I don't know how to deal with the anger I have towards my mom. I need to start trying the stiff as a board thing again. I need to stop fighting. I need to swallow all of that rage (swallow all your bitter pills, that's what makes you beautiful...).
It makes me so angry, though. When I was young, I watched my brother and my mom rage, worse fights than my mom and I have ever been in. He screamed at her every day. He told her he hated her. I watched it all turn to self-pity in her. I watched her cry, victimize herself. I told myself I would never do to her what my brother did. I promised myself I would be a better child. I would never make her stay up all night aching with worry. I would never, ever tell her I hated her. I would never do anything as bad as Craig did.
And that was my life... that was my goal in life. I wanted to make her happy. I wanted to be the opposite of Craig. I wanted to be good enough for her. I wanted to be the child that didn't cause her trouble. But through everything she always said to me, "You're acting just like Craig!"
I don't think any other five words could sting a heart as badly as those words stung mine. It was like she was saying, "I know everything that you want to be in life; I know all of your secrets, your dreams, your aspirations. I know that, and I know how to hurt you the most: you'll never accomplish them. You'll fail at them all."
All I ever wanted was to be good enough, and every day she told me I was failing.
Let me tell you how unfair it is... my mom and my brother get along perfectly right now. They have for years. No more fights. My mom accepts my brother for who he is. My brother completely supports my mom, or at least it seems like it. He and I don't really talk anymore about anything other than money and jobs.
He's the one that fought with her! He's the one that did all of those horrible things to her! He's the one that told her he hated her for weeks on end, that ran away, that stole her car, that broke her heart!
But his relationship with her is better than mine with her will ever be. There are no secret animosities in that relationship. There is no buried rage, because my brother never buried it; he always bore it in his screaming and his anger. I swallow, swallow, swallow all those pills. Why? Because I want to be the good child! I want to be the one she loves!
It's so unfair! All he ever did was hurt her, and she forgave him for every bit of it. He never tried to honor her; he never tried to follow her wishes; he never respected her. My whole life I have struggled to do all of those things. But I told someone something. I made her a villain. I drove a wedge between us.
And now he's on her side, and every night my mom and I argue.
I'M THE ONE THAT CARED!!! I'M THE ONE THAT TRIED!!! I'M THE ONE THAT WATCHES YOU CRY, AND HATES MYSELF FOR EVERY TEAR!! I'M THE ONE THAT DID EVERYTHING SO YOU WOULD BE PROUD OF ME! I'M THE ONE THAT WANTED YOUR APPROVAL, THAT NEVER REBELLED!!
why can't you love me like you love him?
why wasn't it ever enough?
how can I be enough for you?
I'm the one now that's fighting to maintain a relationship with you, fighting to be forgiven, but it's him you talk to without anger. It's him you're really proud of.
I'm so bitter. So angry, so resentful. And I hate those feelings. I hate them so much. And I know I'm allowing them to coalesce within me, and it makes me hate myself for not stopping it, because I know I must have the power to stop it within me somewhere.
i want to be good enough for you, because that is what my life has been about, and if you tell me i have failed at that...
then what am i?
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
I guess what Frankl meant was that if you are the eye of the storm, you can take peace with you into every hurricane.
Today I was rather depressed for a while, but then I had another moment of realization or something, and everything was suddenly just so beautiful I couldn't handle it.
I can live with it. I can live with bipolar. I can be peace.
Today I was rather depressed for a while, but then I had another moment of realization or something, and everything was suddenly just so beautiful I couldn't handle it.
I can live with it. I can live with bipolar. I can be peace.
Saturday, October 21, 2006
epiphany
I went to all-state this week. There are a lot of details I could elaborate on that don't matter. I chose to take a drug to get through the auditions. I got seventh chair out of fifteen, about what I wanted. The concert went well except I played through a rest and got an unintentional solo. I got to see Brad, my friend from Billings. I ate a lot the first day and not as much the second day. I felt like an emotional spiral, churning through space. Erin spent the whole time flirting with Carson, and that was really cute. Shauna decided to act out something with her boyfriend and sort of mindlessly grabbed my crotch, and that wasn't as cute but I still love Shauna. Siobhan said something really nice to me. I rode the bus home last night and slept until 1:30 p.m. today, and although that was xanax induced it's the most I've slept in years. I missed math thursday and friday and now I'm confused.
On and on with details.
They don't matter. What matters is this: Erin was in a hugging mood. Shauna's always been the only one that's touched me. For years before, no one did because I'm extremely unresponsive to touch for obvious reasons. On the way back from Missoula after we dropped Carson off so it was just Erin and I, I sat with her in the seat. It was 1:20 a.m. The stars were very hard and bright. I was so tired, so emotionally exhausted, and my touch barrior had been barraged with hugs from my best friends (Erin, Shauna, Jill, Siobhan, Brad, etc) so I laid my head on Erin's shoulder.
Let me explain myself. There is always a tension in me when it comes to touch. It is a tight, hard feeling in the deep parts of my chest. It went away once last May when I fell into Josh on the couch the night before prom, and it has gone away in some of my most despairing hours when I have sobbed in my mother's lap (also last May, after Josh OD'd). But nearly always, nealry all the time, it is there, impeding my breathing, impeding my life. It makes me stand stiffly when people hug me. It makes me confused about someone grabbing my hand. It makes me detatched when I am kissed. However, when it leaves me for an instant it is a fantastic whoosing, and all of the tension inside of me is gone and I suddenly realize what it could be like, how wonderful it could be like, to live without it.
It is only with poeple I trust absolutely when it comes to touch.
Last night I was tired enough, worn down enough, confused enough that for a few minutes I was tense as my head lay on Erin's shoulder, but then in a very perceptible moment all of the fear, all of the tension, all of the mistrust dissolved. All of the heaviness inside of me was replaced with a light feeling. It is the most amazing feeling in the world. More amazing than any sexual feeling, more amazing than lime popsicles, more amazing than watching Finding Nemo and sobbing.
Today I read the end of Siddhartha and in a hugely epiphanic moment the loose ends all came together. I don't even know how to explain it. The book said, "perhaps you seek too much, that as a result of your seeking you cannot find." When I read that I suddenly understood. I have been searching for truth, tirelessly, inexorably plowing linearly through philosophy and religion and everything. But the truth is me. The truth is the world. It's not about tomorrow, or yesterday. Those don't exist. It's about today.
People view time as contour lines, but that's wrong. Time is the three-dimensional integration of contour lines. Life is everything; life is yesterday, life is today, life is tomorrow. Truth is pain and joy. Truth isn't something you find, it's something you are. You breathe truth. You live it. You find it in love, you find it in hate, you find it in fear, you find it in that moment when all of the tension melts away.
I understand.
On and on with details.
They don't matter. What matters is this: Erin was in a hugging mood. Shauna's always been the only one that's touched me. For years before, no one did because I'm extremely unresponsive to touch for obvious reasons. On the way back from Missoula after we dropped Carson off so it was just Erin and I, I sat with her in the seat. It was 1:20 a.m. The stars were very hard and bright. I was so tired, so emotionally exhausted, and my touch barrior had been barraged with hugs from my best friends (Erin, Shauna, Jill, Siobhan, Brad, etc) so I laid my head on Erin's shoulder.
Let me explain myself. There is always a tension in me when it comes to touch. It is a tight, hard feeling in the deep parts of my chest. It went away once last May when I fell into Josh on the couch the night before prom, and it has gone away in some of my most despairing hours when I have sobbed in my mother's lap (also last May, after Josh OD'd). But nearly always, nealry all the time, it is there, impeding my breathing, impeding my life. It makes me stand stiffly when people hug me. It makes me confused about someone grabbing my hand. It makes me detatched when I am kissed. However, when it leaves me for an instant it is a fantastic whoosing, and all of the tension inside of me is gone and I suddenly realize what it could be like, how wonderful it could be like, to live without it.
It is only with poeple I trust absolutely when it comes to touch.
Last night I was tired enough, worn down enough, confused enough that for a few minutes I was tense as my head lay on Erin's shoulder, but then in a very perceptible moment all of the fear, all of the tension, all of the mistrust dissolved. All of the heaviness inside of me was replaced with a light feeling. It is the most amazing feeling in the world. More amazing than any sexual feeling, more amazing than lime popsicles, more amazing than watching Finding Nemo and sobbing.
Today I read the end of Siddhartha and in a hugely epiphanic moment the loose ends all came together. I don't even know how to explain it. The book said, "perhaps you seek too much, that as a result of your seeking you cannot find." When I read that I suddenly understood. I have been searching for truth, tirelessly, inexorably plowing linearly through philosophy and religion and everything. But the truth is me. The truth is the world. It's not about tomorrow, or yesterday. Those don't exist. It's about today.
People view time as contour lines, but that's wrong. Time is the three-dimensional integration of contour lines. Life is everything; life is yesterday, life is today, life is tomorrow. Truth is pain and joy. Truth isn't something you find, it's something you are. You breathe truth. You live it. You find it in love, you find it in hate, you find it in fear, you find it in that moment when all of the tension melts away.
I understand.
Monday, October 16, 2006
FORGIVE
FORGIVE. LOVE.
LEARN TO FORGIVE.
LEARN TO FORGIVE ME.
LEARN TO FORGIVE HIM.
The world doesn't turn because of revenge. It isn't beautiful because of spite. It's beautiful because of love. It's beautiful because people change. It's beautiful because people don't have to be the same person every day that they've always been.
I FORGAVE YOU.
Just learn to forgive.
LEARN TO FORGIVE.
LEARN TO FORGIVE ME.
LEARN TO FORGIVE HIM.
The world doesn't turn because of revenge. It isn't beautiful because of spite. It's beautiful because of love. It's beautiful because people change. It's beautiful because people don't have to be the same person every day that they've always been.
I FORGAVE YOU.
Just learn to forgive.
Saturday, October 14, 2006
Debate tournament
I had fun today.
My mom is very mad at me because I wouldn't tell her my record, but we have argued in the past and she tends to be very critical, so I thought I'd just tell her that I had fun and I learned a lot and I know what I need to do for the next tournament. She wasn't happy with that, but too bad. The tournament today doesn't have to be about my record if I don't let it be. It was fun. That's what matters most of all.
My mom is very mad at me because I wouldn't tell her my record, but we have argued in the past and she tends to be very critical, so I thought I'd just tell her that I had fun and I learned a lot and I know what I need to do for the next tournament. She wasn't happy with that, but too bad. The tournament today doesn't have to be about my record if I don't let it be. It was fun. That's what matters most of all.
Friday, October 13, 2006
Things sort of fell apart, but I tried to minimize the damage.
On Tuesday I stayed up nearly all night doing college applications. I realized that it would help if I just got them over with so I would stop obsessing over them. I was really tired Saturday, but semi-okay.
I don't need to remind anyone that relations between my mother and I are currently not exactly optimal.
Wednesday I sort of fell apart. I cut my arm. I took a Xanax wednesday night and Thursday morning. I slept through breakfast. I fell asleep when I was driving the car to seminary and I hit a mailbox. I heard the huge thump, but characteristic to lovely xanax apathy I didn't care. At church I noticed disinterestedly that I had ripped my right mirror entirely off. I slept through seminary. I slept (literally slept- as in the yearbook pictures got taken and nobody woke me up so I'm not in them) through the first four periods. I don't remember anything.
I fell apart seventh period with Erin. We talked about how we have no control. I told her about how I'd run into the mailbox. She'd noticed I slept through everything (so did my teachers. They were all really worried.) I blew off my violin lesson. I blew off my cello lesson. We went to Wheat Montana and talked for hours about how to fix things. We went through all of our problems and solutions to those problems. I felt a lot better. I ate an entire cinnamon role.
This morning I got up to go to seminary but didn't end up going. I went to Safeway instead to buy laxatives. Erin and I talked to our counselor about switching out of AP government, but our schedules can't accomodate it so we talked to Mrs. Lynd about how to survive. I feel a lot better about it now.
I took the pills during creative writing, fourth period. I wasn't as tired today, because I didn't take any medications this morning. After school Jill, Erin, and I went to Starbucks and talked for three hours. The laxatives worked.
I feel better. The cutting/laxatives were a temporary solution, but amidst them I worked on permanent ones with Jill and Erin. I feel better. Things will be okay.
I'm worried about debate tomorrow. And all-state next week.
Mom's yelling.
On Tuesday I stayed up nearly all night doing college applications. I realized that it would help if I just got them over with so I would stop obsessing over them. I was really tired Saturday, but semi-okay.
I don't need to remind anyone that relations between my mother and I are currently not exactly optimal.
Wednesday I sort of fell apart. I cut my arm. I took a Xanax wednesday night and Thursday morning. I slept through breakfast. I fell asleep when I was driving the car to seminary and I hit a mailbox. I heard the huge thump, but characteristic to lovely xanax apathy I didn't care. At church I noticed disinterestedly that I had ripped my right mirror entirely off. I slept through seminary. I slept (literally slept- as in the yearbook pictures got taken and nobody woke me up so I'm not in them) through the first four periods. I don't remember anything.
I fell apart seventh period with Erin. We talked about how we have no control. I told her about how I'd run into the mailbox. She'd noticed I slept through everything (so did my teachers. They were all really worried.) I blew off my violin lesson. I blew off my cello lesson. We went to Wheat Montana and talked for hours about how to fix things. We went through all of our problems and solutions to those problems. I felt a lot better. I ate an entire cinnamon role.
This morning I got up to go to seminary but didn't end up going. I went to Safeway instead to buy laxatives. Erin and I talked to our counselor about switching out of AP government, but our schedules can't accomodate it so we talked to Mrs. Lynd about how to survive. I feel a lot better about it now.
I took the pills during creative writing, fourth period. I wasn't as tired today, because I didn't take any medications this morning. After school Jill, Erin, and I went to Starbucks and talked for three hours. The laxatives worked.
I feel better. The cutting/laxatives were a temporary solution, but amidst them I worked on permanent ones with Jill and Erin. I feel better. Things will be okay.
I'm worried about debate tomorrow. And all-state next week.
Mom's yelling.
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