drugs

During the intermission of what was officially my last symphony concert the other night (I sent in my resignation email), Shauna stood digging her high heels into the ground and said, "I really want to get drunk." Shauna is a crazy person, because she is deep and psychoanalyzes everything, but she cares way more about shallow stuff like how she looks and what's popular than I do.
"Do you like the taste of it?" I asked.
"Yeah," she said, "a lot."
I stood there, fighting with myself. See, if it weren't for my religion, I would probably be hopelessly stoned and drunk all the time. I stood there, in the warm air, and I realized I wanted to be drunk too, I wanted to smoke pot, I wanted to let go of the world and put everything at arm's length where it made sense. I am so drawn to drugs, and alchohol, taking all these pills around my house, overdosing on things to see what it does... I think I inhereted it, my family has a great problem (both immediate and extended) with drugs, alcohol, and anything addictive.

I won't smoke pot. I won't drink. I won't smoke pot. i won't drink. I want to not do drugs. I really, really don't want to do them. It's just hard, I guess. Yesterday I was so so so messed up I felt like a rubberband about to snap. I just curled up in my room and cried and cried. And chainchewed gum.

I'm leaving for three weeks tomorrow. Josh is coming rafting with us for a few days. I love Matt, Josh is coming as a friend. Then I'm going to California for that seminar.

I wonder, how do people feel like this and not hurt themselves without going crazy?