WEIRD weekend. I planned before going to my first round to come home on Saturday and drink hot chocolate made with milk and relax and feel sorry for myself. I never thought I'd say it but I was tired of debating. It's been a really long season. I'm glad it's long, and I love it, but these past few tournaments I haven't had much motivation.
And guess what? I SUCKED!!!! I totally and completely sucked. Out of forty-five people or so I was one of the first four to get out. And you know what? I didn't feel disappointed. I didn't hate myself for it. I was angry or hurt or confused or upset. Not because I didn't care... but because I knew that what I cared about wasn't winning. What I cared about was that I've done well this year. I cared about having fun. I cared about improving my record and breaking consistently. I cared about not getting all upset when I lost. And I have done all of those things. So was it a failure? No, not really. It was hilarious, doing that badly, but I know that it didn't have anything to do with me being bad at debate. I hit some really hard people. My second round I accidentally said that in a hypothetical situation it would be okay to rape children, and I had do defend that. I laughed at myself as I said it, and I didn't care.
I like winning. It's nice. But it's not what's important.
I wanted to go out with a bang. Well, I did. I went out with a spectacular bang of major suckage (word of the round round 1- 'suck'). I wasn't expecting to win anyway. Why should I complain about not having to debate as much? I got to sleep in until nine on Saturday. I got to wear my jeans and sweatshirt. I got all my homework done and I went to a public forum round and two policy rounds and I really enjoyed the policy ones. People say policy is boring but I thought it was amazingly fascinating.
SO say it! Say it loud! I SUCKED!
Nothing to be ashamed of. And by the way my father told me this morning that he wants to talk to me today about me considering having sex with Matt. Now I am very opposed to the abuse of the perfectly legitimate word "awkward" that is occurring in my city, but I can use it correctly applied to this situation. AWKWARD. Why does my mom have to keep reading my journal? I am not really looking forward to this enlightening conversation.
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4 comments:
I am glad for the perspective you have on what is ultimately important when it comes to debate. I am also glad to see that you are pleased with your season overall.
I am a little confused about who Matt is...I know about Josh and Charlie, but who is Matt?
I am glad your back!
I can see where the judges might not like the whole raping children thing. :)
Sometimes if you can't succeed spectacularly, it's kind of fun to suck spectacularly. I've definitely been there.
I echo what Ashlee said -- your perspective is awesome.
thank you... it was a much happier perspective than usual. i still laugh thinking about it.
matt is the boy i went out with for nine months last year and broke up with in september.
Lindsay,
I think its paramount that you realize debate isn't who you define yourself as. The quicker you learn that, the happier you will be.
As for the sex thing I heard a pastor say once that sex is a binding experience....Even with a boyfriend, one-night-stand...you will be forever spritually connected to this person. As some people get more and more partners, they continue to build up thse connections.
There comes a point where this amazing gift God has given you (sexuality) becomes so confusing/de-sensualitized that it repulses you, OR you desperatly grab onto it thinking that it's "love".
There's a very good reason why God wants us to wait till marriage. It is so powerful an emotion that it can only be safely handled in a marriage experience.
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