This may be some unconscious signal or something, but yesterday as I was leaving the house to go to coffee with Charlie my mom said, "Isn't that the sweater Josh gave you for Christmas?" and it seemed really fitting to be wearing that, just one more manifestation of deception.
Coffee (well, non-coffee) was quite fun. We sat and talked for literally over three hours. I really like him I think... I can feel myself relaxing around him. He's not Josh but still. I think somehow what I am doing is wrong, letting myself like a guy when Josh is there and not telling anyone about anyone, but it's what I'm doing, so oh well.

Last night Erin slept over and we watched funny movies and ate ice cream and popcorn and I told her a few things about my past because I thought, nobody really knows me, but then I realized that Erin does know me. My past is important in that it has shaped who I am, but who I am not is just... how I am NOW. If you know me, alive, right now today, you know me. I don't have to become some sexual abuse poster child. There's definitely resdiue of abuse and the things I've done to myself in everything I do (especially in the way I handle boys), but I am more than my past.

I've been reading Sartre. I thought his idea was interesting, about existence. He says that everyone else has a dualistic psychological theme going on, like all philosophers thought that your appearence was some flaky shell that your real being hid behind. He thinks that there's no dualism, that people are simply the sum total of all their manifestations, that people are both finite and infinite and that's where all the dualism goes- you are finite in that you exist right now as an appearance and total of previous manifestations, but you are infinite in that you have infinite aspects and possibilities.

I don't agree with him, but it's interesting. Very interesting.

I hate school. Did I mention that? Once? Twice? A million times? Well it wasn't enough. I hate school.