discouraged

I almost dare not post and destroy my palindromic summation of postings, but then you'd never hear from me ever again, and I'm sure that would make you sad.

I've been really depressed today for some reason. Not in a depression way like I'm used to. Just that empty, hollow feeling, when you realize that something you want is really good, and should be atainable, but you may not have the strength to get it.

The eating thing was really great, but I've hit a wall again. I think I don't want bulimia to be part of me. I think that I will personify it as a great monster, unwilling to leave me alone, unwilling destroy me enough that I don't care. I thought to myself today after buying some amount of destructive substances whether I was giving up. And no. Some part of me cares. Some part of me is struggling to let go of this eating disorder. But how? Nobody knows how! Nobody can tell me how, or show me how! The one person that could ravaged me and left me totally bereft of any comfort. She took care of me and promised she'd continue, and then left, abruptly, and hasn't spoken to me since that day two and half years ago. I write her endless letters that I never send, because I know that she has all the keys to everything, but she's selfish, she's guarding them, she won't help me. Or maybe she is afraid.

If I could have known this years ago, I think I would have never stopped eating, never thrown up, never bought diuretics or laxatives, because it's not worth it, in the end. It is for a while, that wonderful way to control yourself, to make you feel like you're doing something to fix that awful mess that is you, but in the end if you starve your body your mind consumes you. Everything is broken. I think that the eating disorder is far more frustrating and far more difficult to quit than cutting. Cutting is something I believe firmly that I can let go of if I make the choice. I make the choice to quit the eating disorder every day, and then I hit the wall and fall back. It happens again and again.

How can I have so many people that love me and still feel unloved and alone? Why do I need to be kissed to believed I am worth it? Why am I not strong enough to beat this eating disorder? Back when I was young I was so convinced that I could do anything... is this what age brings? An accute, unshakable sense of one's limitations?

Do people really get over eating disorders, or is it a myth?

All the love in the world can't make me feel loved if I still can't love myself consistently. In the end, there is only me and always me, damaged, bruised, and broken.

BUT I WILL NOT GIVE UP!!!!!!!!