It was so warm, seventy degrees again, on Saturday at noon. I sat outside and did all my homework. I thought that if I did it all Friday and Saturday I could spend Sunday relaxing. I guess I forgot that the work never ends... there's always more to do, pushing in the back of my mind. I can never relax these days. I can only keep remembering what I should be doing.

Summer is coming, though. Six real weeks of school left and three days of semesters. My grade point is intact for another year (I think I'll be okay for this semester). My Spanish course, although difficult for me, is going alright and I have an A in that too. This summer I am taking an imaginative writing course at the college, and I'm sure I'll be fine.

I am worried about math next year. I've never really taken math at a college. We had all of the same assignments and tests and everything this year, but it was with high school students still.

Anyway, I digress. It was really warm here, and then it snowed all night last night. Today there is snow on the ground. It's sad, really. Just when I think summer is finally coming winter has to swirl in with a last vengeance (although I'm sure it'll snow a few times in May and probably once in June, as it usually does).

It's not a sign. I swear it's not.

Amanda isn't leaving. All of that emotional hell I put myself through, all of that distancing and anger and crying when no one was looking, all of that was really for nothing, because she's staying another year. When she finally does leave, I will be leaving too, and it will not be the same sense of abandonment that I have been struggling with this year.

I am very happy, no matter how confused I am about our relationship right now. And I feel a bit stupid for all of that pain I went through to try to adjust to her absence. Unnecessary, all of it. Oh well, I learned something about myself.

I am still happy, still distrustful. I believe in my words that happiness is an action, and the only way to trust it is to constantly live it, to take control of it rather than letting it control you. But I'm having difficulties living those words at the moment. I'll get it right someday. I know I will.