Things are beginning to smooth out again. I feel alive again today. This past week has been a hazy, nightmarish dream, chock full of anxiety and devoid of sleep. Last night I slept soundly for eleven hours, the most I've slept in months. I've needed to sleep that long for months, but all the vibrating tension inside of me always wakes me up when I'm still exhausted, still needy for more sleep but unable to grasp it.
Josh's house was a tornado yesterday I guess. I'm hearing everything from Ariel. His family had a pretty much day-long discussion. Josh is going to see a counselor once a week (and I'm assuming his little brother is too), and he doesn't get any unsupervised internet time. We are just friends until he starts to make some changes.

I've decided that philosophy may start inside of us, not outside. When I was trying to weigh those two great pains- Josh's pain if I told his family, and Josh's pain if i didn't- and what was right or wrong, I didn't need to think about philosophy. I just felt it, somewhere inside.

I am so grateful for the support I had from you and everyone. It helped me to do something incredibly difficult.

I guess things aren't the same now. And they may not be the same for a very long time. And they may never be the same again. But things can be... different. Different doesn't necessarily mean worse.

All of this has made me think about the things I'm still struggling with as well... the cutting and bulimia and everything. Maybe I can change now. Maybe I need to change now. Maybe I need to let go of all of this and get the help I need, the way Josh is.

I don't know. As hard as it is to force someone into a situation of change, it's harder to force yourself.