I HATE YOU STUPID FREAKING WORLD!

I got the message on my cell phone. He took the ibuprofin on Monday night. They took him to the emergency room. He's been in the hospital since then, and will be there a few more days. I don't know what kind of hospital. But he told me he could hear the birds singing outside his room, and I told him a week ago that even when it was the dark I was the singing of the birds, not the sunlight. I am the constant thing.

I don't feel constant now. I feel intensely suicidal. It is odd how that works, how he can OD on so many pills and nearly kill himself and when I find out it is such a blow to everything that the first thing I imagine is doing the same thing, cutting my wrist, dying somehow. But I won't kill myself. I have to be here for him. That's what's so hard... I have to be here for him right now but I don't feel like I can be there for anyone. I feel like I'm falling apart. Sexual abuse memories keep tearing me away from the world. The need to jump off of the roof is almost uncontrollable inside of me right now. I can't OD... I can't do that to him, can't end up in the hospital like him. I have to be strong. How? How can I be strong right now? How could he do this to himself?

I'll have to cut... deep... I'll have to cut until I feel strong enough to live...

BECAUSE I BELIEVE IN LIFE, GOSH DA**IT! I BELIEVE IN LOVE!!! I BELIEVE IN TOMORROW! YOU STUPID F-ING WORLD, YOU'RE TRYING TO BREAK US, YOU'RE TRYING TO TEAR US APART, YOU'RE TRYING TO MAKE US BELIEVE THAT DEATH IS THE ONLY OPTION. BUT I DON'T BELIEVE YOU!!! I REFUSE TO!!! THERE IS SOMETHING BETTER THAN THIS!!!!!!!!!!

oh, God, please... it can't end like this.