I don't know what to do to myself. I don't want to kill myself, because I'm more afraid of death than I am of life. I don't want to cut, because I've done that so much I'm bored with it, five years of it and it seems a bit anticlimatic; I need something newer and more severe. I don't want to overdose, because that would just make me sick and throw up all day tomorrow which wouldn't help me feel better in any way except that I'd lose weight. I don't want to use inhalents, because I really don't want to get addicted or go to Hell. I don't want to go drink alcohol, for those same reasons (I really am afraid of God). I don't want to burn myself, because I never could figure out how to do that properly. I guess I could go jump off the porch or the roof. I haven't done that since eigth grade. But that's not really new either.

It seems like I've done everything you can do to hurt yourself. I've punched walls, cut myself, burned myself, overdosed, drank, tried drugs... and I'm still miserable. All these things have just kept me alive. But they're probably condemning me at the same time.

There's got to be something left to do, something that will make me feel better... I can't have done everything...

Oh right. I know how to make myself feel totally miserable. This is the Josh cue. This is what Josh did before he overdosed. He said, I can't do all those things, so I'm going to overdose on drugs so I can feel like Lindsay did. So maybe now I'm supposed to say, I'll go look at porn so I can feel like Josh did. But I think that that would make me throw up far faster than the pills or the ipecac syrup I have been daydreaming of lately.

I....... don't........ know..........