It's in the postal system right now, my first query letter to my first publisher! I am 99.9% sure it will be turned down, especially since the three sample chapters I sent were definitely not the best chapters of my book, but maybe I can learn something from the rejection to improve my query or something that indicates which part of my manuscript I should send. I'm excited! They said they usually respond within a month.

I spent today doing a lot of the same thing as Monday. I'm trying to do a powerpoint too at the moment on BWS and SRS to show some group of directors or something. I have to turn in my resume, which my father is insisting I can allow to be more than one page, but my money management teacher always taught me one page, max. I know it probably doesn't sound fun to search for tubes of DNA from plastic boxes all day, but I really like it. I know where the project is going and it interests me a lot. It makes me ask questions. I also like watching what people are doing in the lab, whether they're running blots or gels or sprinting to the centrifuge when the timer goes off.

I read this book called Real Girl Stories and I really enjoyed it because it talked about girls from all over the world, and I got to try to understand other cultures. I have decided for sure after a lot of thought that after grad school I want to do the peace corps thing for 27 months. I hope that I am married by then and can drag my husband along with me. I've decided to idolize those that give of themselves. I'm going to start giving most of my money to charities and such. What do I need it for? I just buy books and video games and such with it, and there are people out there that don't even have a house. I think they're more deserving than that new Final Fantasy game. I'm not giving all of my money away, and I'm still paying tithing and saving 20% (my parents invested my money in a mutual fund for me), but I definitely want to start contributing more. When I get a job and a source of income that will be more than it is now. I also want to start volunteering more. Right now I pretty much have time for the Humane Society, but I want to expand eventually. Politically I think this whole concept of country boundaries is stupid. I think that if immigrants come into our country we should try to help them. Even if they do suck money out of the healthcare system. Even if they do illegally hold jobs. They are people searching for something better, and I can afford to give them money if it means it will help them when they are sick. My tax dollars will go towards sustaining the rapists in prison... how are immigrants any worse? We are all people. I've also decided to be more environmentally aware. I want to ride my bike more and buy a hybrid car. I want to just live in a small, inexpensive house or apartment for my life and just give. Giving, I have decided, is a really good reason for living. I want to somehow help the world, not just benefit from my relative wealth.

Today after my appointment with my therapist I wrote this that I will post. See, I believe in God with all my heart, but I can't even get my head to believe in absolute truth, and I trust my head over my heart. Maybe I shouldn't, but it's kept me alive. Anyway, I wrote this:

The reality of people and their perceptions is a societal phenomenon. We can only label the construct of a building as 'building' because we have similar ideas about the object. Relationships only work if the people involved have similar perceptions of themselves and each other. This social reality is fine, and I can exist within it and the emotions that bind it (ie love). But I don't want to just live there. I want another reality.
When I am alone, I lose contact with the social reality. Object or emotion consistency is not present in my mind. When I find myself outside of teh social reality when I am alone (and unable to reconstruct the emotions inherent in that reality) I want to observe an objective reality, one that cannot be changed or constructed simply from perception.
I can trust conclusions that I reach through logic, but I believe that conclusions that I reach through emotion may be subjective and flawed. They may not be able to retain integrity outside of my mind or my perception of the social world. In the same way I want an objective world, I want an objective belief, reached through logic, in that world.
Nietzsche describes only the individual's reality, not even a social reality. I want not just Nietzsche's reality, not just the social collection of subjective realities, but something more, something completely self reliant, no perception involved. I don't want to believe in Nietzsche. I want to believe in an absolute reality. I want to believe in God.
The problem, though, is that I can't find a logical path that results in God as a conclusion; I only have emotional pathst aht lead me to God, and I believe emotional conclusions may be subjective and flawed.