Hey College Board-
Do you know what I think about PSAT's? They're crap! They're cruel! They mean nothing! You want to know what I think about ACT's and SAT's? I think that they're developed by white elitists and are no indicator of somebody's intelligence or even aptitude at ANYTHING besides test-taking. I think you don't remember what it felt like to have a three hour test determine the rest of your life. I think you've never had trouble taking timed tests, never had panic attacks, never...

Oh gosh I hate this. They talk about college. I want to puke. Stupid PSAT score. Writing/English: 76 and 75. Math? Sixty fricking 6.

Anyway my mom called a tutoring place. My gosh I'm in my second college math class, linear agebra and differential equations and discreet dynamic systems or something, and I can't do frickin geometry. If it was a calculus test I'd ace it.

I took a bunch of pills not prescribed to me tonight to calm me down. Anxiety ones, mostly. I took one that I didn't even know what it was. I just swallowed it. My parents' meds mostly.

I wish I had some alcohol. I'd get drunk. I wish I had pot. I wish I had ecstasy or LSD or crack or anything... even heroin. It's an f-ing good thing I have no access to drugs or I'd do them, despite all of my individual opinions about drugs, I'd do them until I was so stoned I didn't know my name. Drink until I threw up. I remember being drunk. It was nice. I miss it. Even the way the walls waved in and out. Everything felt really far away.

Even being high of those crappy lithium overdoses had it's nice effects, like the way it separated you from the world. I'm just so sick of throwing up. (Lol, kinda a perpetuating problem the way I stated that).

I'M NOT LIKE THIS. I'm a straight A student. I'm not a druggee... But I could be. Oh man I could be so easily.

I'm so selfish.

People are starving.

I watched Batman Begins last night. Awesome movie about sociology, economic philosophy, and societal obligation. You are what you do. And I do nothing for the world. The one thing I have that I could use to help people- my ability to write- I am too busy doing crap I don't care about like going to music lessons and money management homework to use. I'm a disgrace.

I want to make a difference. I want to help. But I got the message from Batman. It doesn't matter if I want to do those things. If I don't do them I'm just like all the people that don't even care.