The worst hurt

It is cold here than it has been. The cold in me is more than that... the pain in me is more than me...
My English teacher is always quoting transcendentalists, always telling us to let go of the everyday things, let go of the stress and busyness and become part of something bigger, some network of compassion. But we are all in high school... the business separates us from a truly painful reality. The busyness is our own distraction. Without the everyday stuff, without grades and debate and music lessons, we have to face what is real, what is past the extranneous... and that is what hurts, when we face the huge interconnectedness of things and find no place to fit in.

I don't care what you say about being young... I want to help something... I want to be someone... what hurts more than all of my dim little ailments, all of my insignificant and trivial pains, is that I am living and drowning myself in the business when everywhere around me a gauze net of cosmic pain stretches over everything and everyone. I can't take a breath from the monotony because the true horror of life is too much to take in a moment. It is a hollow ache in my sternum; it is my heart bouncing around in my ribcage like a mallet on a harmonica.

If I were to kill myself tonight (I won't) then this is what I would say: I needed the blankness to escape the responsibility. Because I see the anger in the world and I do nothing... I feel the pain of the world and I black it out with test scores. There is more to life than me and more to life than high school and more to life than the small things I consider failures. I think I am a failure because of my inability to debate well, because I cut my arm, because I throw up, because I breathe in aerosals. No... I am a failure because I run from life. I run from the stark reality and hide in these small failures. Failure is... failure is not giving. Not giving all that you are to try to remedy something. There is absolutely no way I could alleviate the pain in all the world... but the failure is not trying... the failure is collapsing something that is so much bigger than me until it only revolves around me an my life, unnaturally and awkwardly orbiting the things I have chosen to value that will mean nothing when I die, nothing at my funeral, nothing when I face the expanses after death.

I want to escape it. I want to leave behind everything that does not matter. I want to stop being so cowardly as to concern myself only with what has been placed in my immediate vicinity. I want to let go of this remnant of me and only me and embrace something bigger... something in which I can find a place designed for me and do something I was destined to do. My whole life I have sought to understand people. I have penetrated the human mind... I have analyzed and analyzed my parents and my friends and my mentors and struggled to understand why they do the things they do. Consequently, I can forgive someone of almost anything... because the human mind reaches some odd conclusions, and finds itself trapped in some nightmarish places, and those that do not take the time to know, to understand, do not realize that there is a way out other than monstrosity. I can empathize. I have compassion, I would like to think. I want to help someone. I want to help you all because you are hurting... and I see it... and I collapse into myself. I have learned so much about the mind, and yet I have not used it enough...

Perhaps my life is contained in what is right around me... even then I should strive to make a difference in the people I am connected to. There is a hierarchy of emotional support in the world. Sentimentalities become an inverted pyramid, each upper level grower closer to the ground, carrying more weight, and yet strong enough to stand.

I WANT TO CARE! I WANT TO LOVE MYSELF! I want to understand a reason for living that is more than just the everyday... I want to make a difference... I want to help people... I want to give back what I have been given...

Monday I will go back to school. I will look over my semester tests. I will think about college. I will know that my friends are miserable but I will be too afraid to confront them on anything, and similarly I will keep myself hidden and closed up. I don't know how to do anything different. But inside of me I am always aching... because everyone is hurting... and I only run away.