discarding responsibility

I think I am continuing my mid-life crisis.
See, my mom taught me to finish the things that I start. That's an important lesson that I agree with. She also taught me by example and help to be extremely busy. I have continued that tradition. I'm not really a dilettante... I don't think that's the right description. I guess I do try to do a lot of things, but I'm not mediocre at all of them. I'm actually good at some. And some I guess I am bad at but I enjoy them still (like tennis).
Today I randomly quit tennis though. As the school year goes on I become more human. I procrastinate now. I fail to do homework. I complain when I have to stay up past midnight. And I decided today that having some time to read (or study for AP tests if I get motivated) is more important than tennis. Tennis is something I love. When I start dreading having to do it every day, there's a problem.
What I finally began to learn last year when I quit symphony is that sometimes it's good to quit things. I need to take care of myself, and that takes precedence sometimes. If I've committed to someone else to do something then, yeah, I need to do it. But if I'm just doing it to make myself be busy, and it's hurting me, then no, it's not okay.
So I am officially being irrepsonsible today. I went to the funeral (which was hard, and I cried a lot, but not as hard as the viewing last night) and I played my violin for a huge chapel full of people. No, I played my violin for a little girl up in heaven and her parents in the front row. I gave her everything that I have to give.
I should have gone back to English class, but the period was almost over. I missed our quiz on The Dispossessed, which is sad as I actually read it and was ready for the quiz, so I decided I didn't want to go listen to Mr. Cooper drone on about American literature in the 1900's for fourty minutes. I should have gotten my history book so I could finish the chapter but I didn't. I should have gone to the mandatory tennis practice today to tell them I'm quitting. But no, I did none of those things. I drove home, I hate half a cup of sugarfree ice cream, I checked my email, and I decided to write this entry.

So here's to being irresponsible. Here's to quitting something because it's making me unhappy and stressed. Here's to putting myself first. Today is the only today I get. If I don't get at least an hour to waste reading Scientific American book club magazines and writing whiny blog posts, then I'm pushing myself too hard.

For so many years I have done everything because I thought I should do it. Now I want to begin doing the things I actually want to do.