I don't know what's wrong with me tonight... I'm so worried about school that I guess everything else is coming out too... I just keep remembering...
oral sex without consent is considered rape, at least in idaho. i had that question for a long time (is it rape?) and then when i was at my leadership camp in june, they answered it. i guess a part of me believed that as long as it remained unanswered, it wasn't rape.
why does this matter so much to me? it's just one more rape. i had plenty. maybe because it was my brother. and i love him so much. maybe it just feels even worse than the rest.
ugh i need to go to bed and stop thinking. but i think tonight will be a nightmare night and i hate dreaming about sex, i never dream about it the way my friends do.
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
Mt. St. Helens
It's funny how quietly horrible things begin or end... how subtly something wonderful like summer can slip into something hideous like school... how it can end with coffee (or rather vanilla creme frappacino, without coffee), with pizza at the Mediterranean Grill, with all of us in a car and me buying gas (my gosh it's already gone up... good thing I got it today).
We were talking... it's not school we hate. If all we did was go to school and then come home every day that would be fine... it's the homework, the stress, the tests, the sports, the lessons, everything just building and building like Mt. St. Helen's and pretty soon... wow, what an eruption.
I feel so hollow. I don't dread school. I dread what it brings. Kind of like the way I dread college. And it is beginning and ending with the small things that happen every day... pretty soon I will go run my usual two miles, wash my face, brush my teeth, battle again with the splintery floss that likes my teeth better than the garbage can, take a xanax, and go to sleep. And it will end and begin like that... 12.5 hours to the end of the world, no explosions, just the small things like a bad hair day and a great time to break out.
Little things make me happy, make me sad, make me angry, make me depressed, make me crazy...
Little things, it's all the little things.
We were talking... it's not school we hate. If all we did was go to school and then come home every day that would be fine... it's the homework, the stress, the tests, the sports, the lessons, everything just building and building like Mt. St. Helen's and pretty soon... wow, what an eruption.
I feel so hollow. I don't dread school. I dread what it brings. Kind of like the way I dread college. And it is beginning and ending with the small things that happen every day... pretty soon I will go run my usual two miles, wash my face, brush my teeth, battle again with the splintery floss that likes my teeth better than the garbage can, take a xanax, and go to sleep. And it will end and begin like that... 12.5 hours to the end of the world, no explosions, just the small things like a bad hair day and a great time to break out.
Little things make me happy, make me sad, make me angry, make me depressed, make me crazy...
Little things, it's all the little things.
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
I started this blog to help myself, but also to try to make a difference, to put this crap out there... But it is so random, such a tiny corner of an immense cyberspace universe... how can I possibly make any sort of difference in the world? Even if I do publish my books (on my to-do list, I swear I'll get on it) they probably won't get famous or widespread. I just feel like having been through all that I have I have a responsibility to share what I've learned...
The world is so so big... and there are so many little girls and women getting raped or beaten right now, and it seems like there's no way to stop this silent pandemic, and it feels so hopeless, so sick... it's all in the shadows and so many people have been hurt. When I actually have opened up with some people, it's been amazing to me... the crap we all go through and never tell anyone...
why? why why why? and why can't anyone stop it? and why does it have to eat us from the inside out? and when will we learn to help each other and talk about it and stop making it so secret, so devastating...
The world is so so big... and there are so many little girls and women getting raped or beaten right now, and it seems like there's no way to stop this silent pandemic, and it feels so hopeless, so sick... it's all in the shadows and so many people have been hurt. When I actually have opened up with some people, it's been amazing to me... the crap we all go through and never tell anyone...
why? why why why? and why can't anyone stop it? and why does it have to eat us from the inside out? and when will we learn to help each other and talk about it and stop making it so secret, so devastating...
Monday, August 29, 2005
sorry, philosophical post
I've gone on a diet. We're going to write everything down... regain some control. But anyway my mom said as part of my diet I need to drink 48 oz. of water a day... so I was upstairs, and I decided to get most of it over with, and I drank 32 oz. of water without stopping to breathe, then immediately ran to the bathroom and threw up. I swear I didn't mean to throw up, and somehow I think that's not how water's supposed to help me lose weight. But a part in the back of my mind was very delighted to know there is a way other than overdosing to make myself throw up. I'm trying to ignore it though.
Anyway, I've been thinking a lot lately. (I'm pretty sure I think way too much than is good for me). My problem is that when I'm having fun, when I'm with my friends and I feel like a part of something, or with Matt... this sadness washes over me, because I know that the next day it will have already begun to fade, and it will be just another painful memory, because I will know that it's over. It's hard to look at life this way, as a succession of moments, hours, and days that I will come to miss so badly it will hurt. It almost seems like it's not worth being happy, because someday that happiness will have to be remembered, and it will ache, that memory. How can I live every day, every moment, knowing that it will pass? It seems almost unbearable to me.
This is very hard to put into words, and I've done it better before, but it's just that... I feel so sad when I'm happy because I know that inevitably that happiness, that moment, the people that are with me, everything, must eventually cease. Friendships will fade... someday I will never drive around town in the dark wtih people or hang out at Starbucks or play Cranium (lol, nobody wants to play against me in Cranium).
I mentioned it before, when Virginia Woolf said isn't it comforting that all this must cease, that death ends absolutely, and sometimes it is for me, but mostly it's unbearable. Nietzsche said that even people that would never dream of committing suicide are comforted by the thought of it during long nights. Somehow all of these things are connected... it's so subtle, I don't know how to explain it. I am so afraid of losing that I don't even want to have relationships, because I know that they will end... we are going to college soon and I will lose all this. If I didn't have friends, there would be nothing to lose...
I live so much in the past, so much in the future... I need to learn to live in the now.
I think that the only solution is to take every opportunity, always, always regret nothing. Then, though reminiscing will still be painful, there will be a sense of fulfillment in the past, and in the now, and a constant hope in the future...
oh but if I can survive this moment, there is the next, and the next hour, and the hour after that, always the hours... (that's from Michael Cunningham's book... very inaccurate quote as it's from memory).
It seems to me that all the suicidal and depressed people, especially authors in the world, realized something about the futility of life. And how can I hope, as Aristotle did, that something remains unchanged? How can I hold on to anything? The appeal of it, of ceasing, for a moment, to exist, of being unlimited potential...
Now we are all so hemmed in by our potentials, by our "liberties".
How can there be any satisfaction in my life when every memory, happy or sad, is horrible to me?
I have the vague sense that most people don't think about these things... I don't talk about them with anyone, as is obvious by my lack of being able to explain what I feel... it is something about the fragile webs of relationships that must end...
Virginia Woolf was half right. There is a comfort, in the ending of things, but there is also an unspeakable horror.
I look at my town, at the places I existed, and I see the ghosts of me and the people I loved, especially the people I loved and lost... and how can I accept that it's gone, all of it, that I've lost it all and cannot redeem it? How can I accept that every second, every new moment is an entirely new universe from the last, connected only by emotion, entirely disconnected by action or anything physical? I have existed so many times, in so many instants, every second I am reforming my existance...
What if I don't want to? What if I don't want to let go? How can I live like this?
And what of truth? Many philosophers say that it is universal... and how appealing, to believe there is one true thing... but we are so different, all of us, how can happiness be the same, how can fulfillment mean the same thing? Maybe Nietzsche is right... but how can his philosophy be right if his philosophy says the truth is different for everyone? Maybe we all need our own philosophies and that's the only truth... but how separated would we be then? We would be like islands, locked in our own realities, and there would be no way to reach anyone else, no way to touch them... but all change and loss would be so detatched... how can we tell a schizophrenic that his world is not real when he sees and feels and smells it with his own senses? How can we defy something so concrete as senses? We are all so convinced we're "sane", so convinced we've figured it out... what if the schizophrenic people are the correct ones? What if we're all schizophrenic and they're sane?
AHH my head hurts... but this is what goes on inside of it, this is the constant loss I feel exists in the world...
Anyway, I've been thinking a lot lately. (I'm pretty sure I think way too much than is good for me). My problem is that when I'm having fun, when I'm with my friends and I feel like a part of something, or with Matt... this sadness washes over me, because I know that the next day it will have already begun to fade, and it will be just another painful memory, because I will know that it's over. It's hard to look at life this way, as a succession of moments, hours, and days that I will come to miss so badly it will hurt. It almost seems like it's not worth being happy, because someday that happiness will have to be remembered, and it will ache, that memory. How can I live every day, every moment, knowing that it will pass? It seems almost unbearable to me.
This is very hard to put into words, and I've done it better before, but it's just that... I feel so sad when I'm happy because I know that inevitably that happiness, that moment, the people that are with me, everything, must eventually cease. Friendships will fade... someday I will never drive around town in the dark wtih people or hang out at Starbucks or play Cranium (lol, nobody wants to play against me in Cranium).
I mentioned it before, when Virginia Woolf said isn't it comforting that all this must cease, that death ends absolutely, and sometimes it is for me, but mostly it's unbearable. Nietzsche said that even people that would never dream of committing suicide are comforted by the thought of it during long nights. Somehow all of these things are connected... it's so subtle, I don't know how to explain it. I am so afraid of losing that I don't even want to have relationships, because I know that they will end... we are going to college soon and I will lose all this. If I didn't have friends, there would be nothing to lose...
I live so much in the past, so much in the future... I need to learn to live in the now.
I think that the only solution is to take every opportunity, always, always regret nothing. Then, though reminiscing will still be painful, there will be a sense of fulfillment in the past, and in the now, and a constant hope in the future...
oh but if I can survive this moment, there is the next, and the next hour, and the hour after that, always the hours... (that's from Michael Cunningham's book... very inaccurate quote as it's from memory).
It seems to me that all the suicidal and depressed people, especially authors in the world, realized something about the futility of life. And how can I hope, as Aristotle did, that something remains unchanged? How can I hold on to anything? The appeal of it, of ceasing, for a moment, to exist, of being unlimited potential...
Now we are all so hemmed in by our potentials, by our "liberties".
How can there be any satisfaction in my life when every memory, happy or sad, is horrible to me?
I have the vague sense that most people don't think about these things... I don't talk about them with anyone, as is obvious by my lack of being able to explain what I feel... it is something about the fragile webs of relationships that must end...
Virginia Woolf was half right. There is a comfort, in the ending of things, but there is also an unspeakable horror.
I look at my town, at the places I existed, and I see the ghosts of me and the people I loved, especially the people I loved and lost... and how can I accept that it's gone, all of it, that I've lost it all and cannot redeem it? How can I accept that every second, every new moment is an entirely new universe from the last, connected only by emotion, entirely disconnected by action or anything physical? I have existed so many times, in so many instants, every second I am reforming my existance...
What if I don't want to? What if I don't want to let go? How can I live like this?
And what of truth? Many philosophers say that it is universal... and how appealing, to believe there is one true thing... but we are so different, all of us, how can happiness be the same, how can fulfillment mean the same thing? Maybe Nietzsche is right... but how can his philosophy be right if his philosophy says the truth is different for everyone? Maybe we all need our own philosophies and that's the only truth... but how separated would we be then? We would be like islands, locked in our own realities, and there would be no way to reach anyone else, no way to touch them... but all change and loss would be so detatched... how can we tell a schizophrenic that his world is not real when he sees and feels and smells it with his own senses? How can we defy something so concrete as senses? We are all so convinced we're "sane", so convinced we've figured it out... what if the schizophrenic people are the correct ones? What if we're all schizophrenic and they're sane?
AHH my head hurts... but this is what goes on inside of it, this is the constant loss I feel exists in the world...
Sunday, August 28, 2005
I'm really sentimental at the moment. More so, even, than usual, shocking as that may seem. I've been thinking about my past a lot, which I haven't done lately. And about my friends now.
What is so bizarre to me is how young they were... how my brother was 11 when he molested me. Then, when I was 3, that seemed ancient. Now that seems so, so young. He was starting to smoke pot then and everything, but still... 11 seems so innocent. That's so weird to think about.
My cousin was 14... the babysitters were 16... it's so young, really, it is...
Two years ago I was going through hell, my mom had moved out and such, and I nearly ruined two people's lives... my friend Shauna, and my friend Ellie. I needed so badly to talk to someone about my past, and so I dumped on them... I was miserable and I talked so much about the abuse I went through. It changed them a lot. Remarkably, they are still my friends. But I regret every day what I did to them that summer.
And they were so innocent then, and I wasn't really. And what is innocence? People think I am innocent now but I am not. They think I am naive about sex but I am not.
And my friends now... how do we live with knowing? I know one of my friends has an eating disorder. One of them cuts. One of them smokes pot. How do I let that continue?
Also... my cousin, the one that was 14 when I was 4... he is out there somewhere, which children, with little girls.
How do I live with myself when I know what he is probably doing to those babies? How do I not hate myself for the powerlessness of it all?
What is so bizarre to me is how young they were... how my brother was 11 when he molested me. Then, when I was 3, that seemed ancient. Now that seems so, so young. He was starting to smoke pot then and everything, but still... 11 seems so innocent. That's so weird to think about.
My cousin was 14... the babysitters were 16... it's so young, really, it is...
Two years ago I was going through hell, my mom had moved out and such, and I nearly ruined two people's lives... my friend Shauna, and my friend Ellie. I needed so badly to talk to someone about my past, and so I dumped on them... I was miserable and I talked so much about the abuse I went through. It changed them a lot. Remarkably, they are still my friends. But I regret every day what I did to them that summer.
And they were so innocent then, and I wasn't really. And what is innocence? People think I am innocent now but I am not. They think I am naive about sex but I am not.
And my friends now... how do we live with knowing? I know one of my friends has an eating disorder. One of them cuts. One of them smokes pot. How do I let that continue?
Also... my cousin, the one that was 14 when I was 4... he is out there somewhere, which children, with little girls.
How do I live with myself when I know what he is probably doing to those babies? How do I not hate myself for the powerlessness of it all?
Saturday, August 27, 2005
I must write it down before I stop understanding...
I have to write this down quickly. It is sort of like with a particularly crazy dream... it is vivid when you first wake up, but if you don't think about it, if you don't analyze it, you will forget it very quickly. So that's why I have to write this down now.
I'm not sure if I'm even interpreting some of this Aristotle stuff right, but even if my interpretations are wrong they are interesting and thought-provoking. What I think he's saying, what I'm understanding anyway, is this:
If I were to get eaten by a veloci raptor at this moment (something I am always on the alert for), if it were to pluck me off my computer chair and start chewing me up up and digesting me, something very ineteresting might happen. See, Aristotle's going on about how when something is built or destroyed artificially (which has something to do with purpose that I don't totally understand) some change takes place, but something always remains the same. Like... if you build a chair out of wood, a change has taken place in the wood in size or location or whatever, but it is still wood. But when I get eating, nothing is maintained... my matter changes, rather abruptly, into veloci-raptor matter. There is no Lindsay matter maintained. And I think what Aristotle is saying is that there is an instant, as my matter is changing, that I theoretically cease to exist. If all things in existance have the potential to become something (wood into chair), then that is a definition of existance... but when I am changing into veloci raptor, i have, for a moment, no form, meaning i have the potential to become anything... like air can't become a chair, but a bit of half-digested Lindsay could become dog, fox, bear, or veloci raptor... my location soon plays a very important part, but for a moment my infinite potential is what matters... and if I have infinite potential and have no form, then I am nothing.
Interesting idea...
(and I am rather frightened of veloci raptors)
I'm not sure if I'm even interpreting some of this Aristotle stuff right, but even if my interpretations are wrong they are interesting and thought-provoking. What I think he's saying, what I'm understanding anyway, is this:
If I were to get eaten by a veloci raptor at this moment (something I am always on the alert for), if it were to pluck me off my computer chair and start chewing me up up and digesting me, something very ineteresting might happen. See, Aristotle's going on about how when something is built or destroyed artificially (which has something to do with purpose that I don't totally understand) some change takes place, but something always remains the same. Like... if you build a chair out of wood, a change has taken place in the wood in size or location or whatever, but it is still wood. But when I get eating, nothing is maintained... my matter changes, rather abruptly, into veloci-raptor matter. There is no Lindsay matter maintained. And I think what Aristotle is saying is that there is an instant, as my matter is changing, that I theoretically cease to exist. If all things in existance have the potential to become something (wood into chair), then that is a definition of existance... but when I am changing into veloci raptor, i have, for a moment, no form, meaning i have the potential to become anything... like air can't become a chair, but a bit of half-digested Lindsay could become dog, fox, bear, or veloci raptor... my location soon plays a very important part, but for a moment my infinite potential is what matters... and if I have infinite potential and have no form, then I am nothing.
Interesting idea...
(and I am rather frightened of veloci raptors)
LOL, a poem
I just realized I've never posted a poem here and I love poetry and writing, so here's a really short one that is actually rather horrible but I'm kind of attatched to it.
"The Rose"
Tell me that
the way this water spills unevenly
out of the corridored heart
of a rose
is not the way my life
will trip
and fall into the future
Poems are just so great... I was in this poetry workshop last year, it was so fun to hear everyone's poems. The only bad thing about my poems or any of my writing is I have a hard time writing impersonally so it's all really revealing. I hate reading it in public, I feel like I'm wandering around in my neglige (I wonder if I spelled that right... needs the fancy French accent anyway).
Well I'm reading Aristotle and Kant... very very interesting... Aristotle's a bit obsessed with change and conservation of matter...
"The Rose"
Tell me that
the way this water spills unevenly
out of the corridored heart
of a rose
is not the way my life
will trip
and fall into the future
Poems are just so great... I was in this poetry workshop last year, it was so fun to hear everyone's poems. The only bad thing about my poems or any of my writing is I have a hard time writing impersonally so it's all really revealing. I hate reading it in public, I feel like I'm wandering around in my neglige (I wonder if I spelled that right... needs the fancy French accent anyway).
Well I'm reading Aristotle and Kant... very very interesting... Aristotle's a bit obsessed with change and conservation of matter...
Well that was an interesting camping trip. First, I found out that I was right in that the only people there were little kids, except this one poor seventeen-year-old who just moved here, a block away from me actually. Then, I couldn't sleep because my mom, aunt, and grandma were all snoring really loudly, so I kept playing The Killers over and over again, and waking up and putting it on play again... wow, it's really weird vaguely remembering hearing songs when you were half asleep and you can't distinguish between the end of the CD and the beginning again... It makes you terrified of insomnia, of old women snoring in the night.
Today we went on this lovely 8 mile hike on which my poor dog who is 12 collapsed she was so tired and her hips hurt so bad. Oh man I was mad at my dad. I told him before we left that she was going to have a hard time, but I guess he's cruel and evil and doesn't mind watching her suffer.
I'm really grumpy with my parents right now, I don't know why... seems to be a trend lately. I just feel like doing something drastic. Maybe I'll buy a thong and get a tattoo on my butt.
LOL, my parents would have a heart attack...
Today we went on this lovely 8 mile hike on which my poor dog who is 12 collapsed she was so tired and her hips hurt so bad. Oh man I was mad at my dad. I told him before we left that she was going to have a hard time, but I guess he's cruel and evil and doesn't mind watching her suffer.
I'm really grumpy with my parents right now, I don't know why... seems to be a trend lately. I just feel like doing something drastic. Maybe I'll buy a thong and get a tattoo on my butt.
LOL, my parents would have a heart attack...
Friday, August 26, 2005
My parents are forcing me to go camping with a bunch of 5-year-olds and I really don't want to go and my mom is threatening to ground me if I don't "improve my attitude" and I really really really feel depressed I feel like crying lately my moods have just been so weird and I don't know how I can "improve my attitude" when I'd rather be almost anywhere than camping with a bunch of little kids from our church.
panic
I've been reading like crazy all summer... I know once school starts I won't have time to do the things I love like read and play video games and sit in front of the computer for hours, and it's sad...
The panic is closing in. When I think about it (less than a week!) I feel my chest closing and I can't breathe. How will I survive another year? What if it's like last year? I was so busy last year... so busy I think I have some PTSD from it... all those days living in my car, eating in the shower and at stop signs (when I actually did eat), doing homework at stoplights and with the heat on in the car... every second just doing homework... no time to think, no time to feel... throwing up every weekend, so depressed, antisocial, pushing people away, confused, lost, angry... And SO frusterated...
Can I handle another year like that? Can I change things? Can I prevent it from happening again? Can I stop that horrible clock inside me?
Something about business... a little bit's fun... a lot is actually traumatizing...
The panic is closing in. When I think about it (less than a week!) I feel my chest closing and I can't breathe. How will I survive another year? What if it's like last year? I was so busy last year... so busy I think I have some PTSD from it... all those days living in my car, eating in the shower and at stop signs (when I actually did eat), doing homework at stoplights and with the heat on in the car... every second just doing homework... no time to think, no time to feel... throwing up every weekend, so depressed, antisocial, pushing people away, confused, lost, angry... And SO frusterated...
Can I handle another year like that? Can I change things? Can I prevent it from happening again? Can I stop that horrible clock inside me?
Something about business... a little bit's fun... a lot is actually traumatizing...
Thursday, August 25, 2005
Randomness
Do you know what's even stupider than running five miles? Running five miles two days in a row. Today was much harder... I thought I was going to collapse. It was hot and I was very, very sore from yesterday... I'm surprised I'm not out there baking somewhere on the sidewalk, unable to move. ANYWAY...
Today I just played video games and discovered 99 cent steamers at Friendly's which made me happy (I've also just discovered there is no cent symbol on the keyboard, or I can't find one anyway). Some people came over tonight and we did sidewalk chalk. I felt like a kid again. And we watched Spiderman too, great fun.
Siobhan's boyfriend left for college today. Things seem to be so full of loss lately. Summer ending. My friends leaving for college. Wow life hits you in the face.
Today I just played video games and discovered 99 cent steamers at Friendly's which made me happy (I've also just discovered there is no cent symbol on the keyboard, or I can't find one anyway). Some people came over tonight and we did sidewalk chalk. I felt like a kid again. And we watched Spiderman too, great fun.
Siobhan's boyfriend left for college today. Things seem to be so full of loss lately. Summer ending. My friends leaving for college. Wow life hits you in the face.
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
and up again...
This has been the most random day ever. I randomly baked a coffee cake from scratch (wow, that's weird, I made cookies on Saturday and now I'm baking cakes, and I used to not cook at all unless facing death), it was really good... Then I went on a five mile run. I wasn't planning on running that long, but those endorphins (is that what they are?) just totally turned on and I never wanted to stop... I didn't get tired at all, but I'm really sore now. I feel so much better though... amazing what running does for you. They should prescribe it as an anti-depressant.
I purged today though. First time in like a month I think. Sucks sucks sucks I should have gone running first.
I purged today though. First time in like a month I think. Sucks sucks sucks I should have gone running first.
back on the roller coaster...
I'm really depressed right now. What the heck is so hard about taking a few pills morning and night? I get so frusterated with myself...
And so frightened at how angry I get. Hold it all in, of course, but when my dog does something wrong or something, for a fleeting instant I think it is possible that I could hurt her, though I am disgusted by that (even as I realize it I'm disgusted), and I wouldn't ever actually do it... would I? Would I?!!?!!
We picked up our schedules today... it's so hard to be going back to school. Siobhan was supposed to sleep over with JoAnna Thursday, she backed out, it made me mad too.
We went to The Green Iguana for lunch and I just sat there drinking some smoothie (I seem to have given up on these horrid numbers on the scales... nothing I can do about them but eat healthy) and gosh I was depressed. Something about school, about friends, about the way we looked shivering at that glass table with those styrofoam cups. I don't know. I don't know anything right now.
And so frightened at how angry I get. Hold it all in, of course, but when my dog does something wrong or something, for a fleeting instant I think it is possible that I could hurt her, though I am disgusted by that (even as I realize it I'm disgusted), and I wouldn't ever actually do it... would I? Would I?!!?!!
We picked up our schedules today... it's so hard to be going back to school. Siobhan was supposed to sleep over with JoAnna Thursday, she backed out, it made me mad too.
We went to The Green Iguana for lunch and I just sat there drinking some smoothie (I seem to have given up on these horrid numbers on the scales... nothing I can do about them but eat healthy) and gosh I was depressed. Something about school, about friends, about the way we looked shivering at that glass table with those styrofoam cups. I don't know. I don't know anything right now.
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
Yay for good days... (and Leanne Womack)
I slept over at Olivia's last night, and talked to her about a lot of things about me, and just talked and talked and talked to her... it felt quite good, I missed her so much. We watched "Miss Congeniality 2" even though every one said it was crap... well I thought it was good, not as funny as the first one, but good, I liked it a lot.
Today I spent quite a while just sitting at Taco Del Sol talking to Matt, and quite a while making out in my car, and quite a while wandering around a park... This is how it feels to be torn. I'm engaged (basically) to someone, and going out wiht someone else, and I love them both... wow I never envisioned myself this way.
I ate dinner at Shauna's, talked to her about some stuff... I feel like I'm slowly purging my life of all the bad messes I made. It feels really good. Anyway, we went to this concert at Carroll College... "Clumsy Lovers" or something (the violin player was very good), with Ellie and Laura (who is Matt's good friend and very protective of him so she's not quite enamored with me) and Hallie, and then met up with a ton of people there, including Matt, and there were people dancing at the front. I'm not much of a dancer. A month ago I would have never gone up front (there were only like five people up there) and started dancing in front of a room crowded with people. I was skeptical tonight. But Leanne Womack kept coming in my head ("if you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance") and everything I learned at the seminar about missed opportunities. So man, I danced. I felt kinda stupid at first. I think Shauna was laughing at how awkward I felt. But I just let go. Forgot the people in the audience that knew me that I didn't want to see me look stupid. Forgot it all and just danced.
Man it was fun.
So, new LD resolution is out and I really like it, about illegal immigrants. I was talking to my debate friend (not just debate, she's my friend period) Brittany, and she totally shot down my Kant/Categorical imperative/deontology idea, which is I guess alright because it was crap and would have never worked.
I'm going to research possible criterions tomorrow... I'm not going to go anywhere tomorrow (well, not for long, I'm briefly hanging out with Jo and Siobhan in the morning when we get our schedules, maybe just go to Starbucks or somethign), because my mom thinks I'm being to sociable (my gosh, first of all I have a midnight curfue like every night and she's worried I'm too antisocial... now, my curfue is 11 weekdays 12 weekends and 10 when she feels like it, like tonight).
Locke maybe? It's worth looking into... probably won't work though. Something about inalienable human rights being democratic would work best... "All man are created equal.." (Hah, except for illegal aliens of course). :-)
Today I spent quite a while just sitting at Taco Del Sol talking to Matt, and quite a while making out in my car, and quite a while wandering around a park... This is how it feels to be torn. I'm engaged (basically) to someone, and going out wiht someone else, and I love them both... wow I never envisioned myself this way.
I ate dinner at Shauna's, talked to her about some stuff... I feel like I'm slowly purging my life of all the bad messes I made. It feels really good. Anyway, we went to this concert at Carroll College... "Clumsy Lovers" or something (the violin player was very good), with Ellie and Laura (who is Matt's good friend and very protective of him so she's not quite enamored with me) and Hallie, and then met up with a ton of people there, including Matt, and there were people dancing at the front. I'm not much of a dancer. A month ago I would have never gone up front (there were only like five people up there) and started dancing in front of a room crowded with people. I was skeptical tonight. But Leanne Womack kept coming in my head ("if you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance") and everything I learned at the seminar about missed opportunities. So man, I danced. I felt kinda stupid at first. I think Shauna was laughing at how awkward I felt. But I just let go. Forgot the people in the audience that knew me that I didn't want to see me look stupid. Forgot it all and just danced.
Man it was fun.
So, new LD resolution is out and I really like it, about illegal immigrants. I was talking to my debate friend (not just debate, she's my friend period) Brittany, and she totally shot down my Kant/Categorical imperative/deontology idea, which is I guess alright because it was crap and would have never worked.
I'm going to research possible criterions tomorrow... I'm not going to go anywhere tomorrow (well, not for long, I'm briefly hanging out with Jo and Siobhan in the morning when we get our schedules, maybe just go to Starbucks or somethign), because my mom thinks I'm being to sociable (my gosh, first of all I have a midnight curfue like every night and she's worried I'm too antisocial... now, my curfue is 11 weekdays 12 weekends and 10 when she feels like it, like tonight).
Locke maybe? It's worth looking into... probably won't work though. Something about inalienable human rights being democratic would work best... "All man are created equal.." (Hah, except for illegal aliens of course). :-)
Sunday, August 21, 2005
I don't understand. I feel miserable. Not like killing myself or cutting or anything, but like... angry. So angry. I don't even have a reason to be in a bad mood. Well, not an obvious one. But there are some candidates.
1. I'm so worried about school starting. Panic. I'm worried about stress. I'm making goals, goals about getting sleep doing things with organization, blocked time, but I made those goals last year and by October I was ready to die again. So I'm scared. Only good thing: I'll see Matt every day, and debate will start. Debate is what keeps me alive.
2. Some girl kissed Josh the other day. And my emotions are suddenly stuck in a blender. I love Matt, but Josh... I am so so so so so so in love with Josh. And all that he means... he is so forbidden, so out of reach...
And I so totally can't stop thinking about him, thinking about holding him, kissing him, thinking about loving him...
1. I'm so worried about school starting. Panic. I'm worried about stress. I'm making goals, goals about getting sleep doing things with organization, blocked time, but I made those goals last year and by October I was ready to die again. So I'm scared. Only good thing: I'll see Matt every day, and debate will start. Debate is what keeps me alive.
2. Some girl kissed Josh the other day. And my emotions are suddenly stuck in a blender. I love Matt, but Josh... I am so so so so so so in love with Josh. And all that he means... he is so forbidden, so out of reach...
And I so totally can't stop thinking about him, thinking about holding him, kissing him, thinking about loving him...
Saturday, August 20, 2005
"Tourists- They climb mountains like animals, stupid and sweating; one has forgotten to tell them that there are beautiful views on the way up." (Nietzsche of course).
Wow what a quote. It's so true. It's exactly what I have come to realize this summer.
I faced it today. Wanted so badly to purge. You wouldn't believe how much you miss the bad things you've done. How much I miss the bad things I've done (I suppose owning your language is part of being accountable). I went through my whole accountability formula on a month ago when I was slipping- no, avalanching- back to bulimia. I stepped left. I listened to that "Ready to Fly" song. I listened to my favorite song, "Hero". (I'm so musically oriented that songs are often what break me or save me). I stood outside where it was very hot and I felt I could melt away.
Why am I so angry all the time lately? Maybe it's just today. I didn't take my medicine. Though because I am rational enough to realize that was a stupid idea and I must take it tonight, I know it's not to late to get back into it.
Yesterday we went to Great Falls and bouught clothes. I hate spending money. I spent $300 yesterday. I felt physically sick on the way home. I thought I was going to throw up my smoothie. There's something wrong with someone who feels like throwing up after spending a bunch of money on new clothes. Most of my friends think that's heaven.
I did get clothes I needed. Went to PacSun, The Buckle, and Wet Seal. I bought two sweaters, two shirts, a t-shirt. Also, some Tilt jeans (short- no more hemming, I never get around to it), that fit me really well, this awesome belt, and some white corduroys. I really wanted these Lucky jeans I tried on but they were $72 on sale, and that monster inside of me that was making me more sick and depressed the longer we stayed in that mall would never allow it. Also my mom bought me some Etnies shoes that are green and white, really cool. And I'm going to buy these Roo shoes I really like on Monday (I've thought through it, shopping's okay when I feel in control of my money and my purchases). Maybe I'm scared of compulsive shopping like my mother does... I don't know.
I've realized (although I'm very mad at my mom today, we're both in bad moods which never turns out good) that the two people that have hurt me the most in my life (my mom and my brother) are the two people I trust the most.
Stop, Lindsay. Stop being a stupid sweating animal.
What keeps people from doing drugs, if they don't really believe in religion and Hell? Becuase me, I don't understand why everyone's not out there getting high if they don't think God is watching.
Wow what a quote. It's so true. It's exactly what I have come to realize this summer.
I faced it today. Wanted so badly to purge. You wouldn't believe how much you miss the bad things you've done. How much I miss the bad things I've done (I suppose owning your language is part of being accountable). I went through my whole accountability formula on a month ago when I was slipping- no, avalanching- back to bulimia. I stepped left. I listened to that "Ready to Fly" song. I listened to my favorite song, "Hero". (I'm so musically oriented that songs are often what break me or save me). I stood outside where it was very hot and I felt I could melt away.
Why am I so angry all the time lately? Maybe it's just today. I didn't take my medicine. Though because I am rational enough to realize that was a stupid idea and I must take it tonight, I know it's not to late to get back into it.
Yesterday we went to Great Falls and bouught clothes. I hate spending money. I spent $300 yesterday. I felt physically sick on the way home. I thought I was going to throw up my smoothie. There's something wrong with someone who feels like throwing up after spending a bunch of money on new clothes. Most of my friends think that's heaven.
I did get clothes I needed. Went to PacSun, The Buckle, and Wet Seal. I bought two sweaters, two shirts, a t-shirt. Also, some Tilt jeans (short- no more hemming, I never get around to it), that fit me really well, this awesome belt, and some white corduroys. I really wanted these Lucky jeans I tried on but they were $72 on sale, and that monster inside of me that was making me more sick and depressed the longer we stayed in that mall would never allow it. Also my mom bought me some Etnies shoes that are green and white, really cool. And I'm going to buy these Roo shoes I really like on Monday (I've thought through it, shopping's okay when I feel in control of my money and my purchases). Maybe I'm scared of compulsive shopping like my mother does... I don't know.
I've realized (although I'm very mad at my mom today, we're both in bad moods which never turns out good) that the two people that have hurt me the most in my life (my mom and my brother) are the two people I trust the most.
Stop, Lindsay. Stop being a stupid sweating animal.
What keeps people from doing drugs, if they don't really believe in religion and Hell? Becuase me, I don't understand why everyone's not out there getting high if they don't think God is watching.
Thursday, August 18, 2005
opening up
I'm slowly trying to repair the damage from everything I broke, slowly fixing my life.
I talked to Matt yesterday, totally saved our relationship. I told him everything. It was all or nothing. There was nothing left to lose. Now we're okay again... we just played tennis and had ice cream and I feel way closer to him now, and for the time being I definitely choose him (as opposed to Josh- Josh will come once I break up with Matt).
Also I talked to Shauna, about starting over, about letting go of the pain that is in our past. And I'm talking to Olivia.
About Nietzsche, I'm reading the origin of tragedy or something... he keeps going on about how seeing the truth creates nausea that only art can fix... I don't agree with most of it but it's way interesting...
I don't understand this Apollo vs. Dionysn (sp?) thing though, or the Greek choir surrounding a spectacle that shields it from reality. Doesn't make sense to me.
I talked to Matt yesterday, totally saved our relationship. I told him everything. It was all or nothing. There was nothing left to lose. Now we're okay again... we just played tennis and had ice cream and I feel way closer to him now, and for the time being I definitely choose him (as opposed to Josh- Josh will come once I break up with Matt).
Also I talked to Shauna, about starting over, about letting go of the pain that is in our past. And I'm talking to Olivia.
About Nietzsche, I'm reading the origin of tragedy or something... he keeps going on about how seeing the truth creates nausea that only art can fix... I don't agree with most of it but it's way interesting...
I don't understand this Apollo vs. Dionysn (sp?) thing though, or the Greek choir surrounding a spectacle that shields it from reality. Doesn't make sense to me.
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
Nietzsche
I think I've already posted quite enough today, but I'm sort of bored. I'm going to a movie with Matt tonight, but not until seven. I really need to call him though.
I've been plowing through Nietzsche. I think it's really interesting... so far I've discovered he doesn't believe in morals, his philosophies are totally anti-moral, he believes Christianity is anti-life. He believes the world is subjective (like I was going on about at the beginning of this blog) and how science (along with religion) is a means by which to avoid truth. He believes optimism was actually born out of affliction, and pessimism is a good thing of being full of life.
Mostly I've realized Einstein and him would not get along. Einstein believed in concrete, universal facts that worked on everything for everyone, very anti-existentialism. There's this phenomenon that on a quantum level this can obstruct themselves. When photons are shone through a slit, bars show up, meaning some photons hit something, but what? Only answer is themselves. So some scientists said that there's an infinite amount of universes out there, and all the possibilities of placements of the object are occurring in all the universes. Some scientists say (this Copenhagen guy started it) the object has no position until someone sees it, which sort of goes in line with existentialism. This new guy based a theory on Einstein's ideas that any object warps the gravitational field around it, and says that for a really small amount of time (the smaller the object, the longer the time) the object wobbles until the energy required to maintain separate gravity fields makes it become fixed. They haven't proved that yet but they're working on it. Orthodox quantum mechanics says that an object does several things at once, interfering with itself finally to show no change, so it is not determinable which way the object went (see why I love quantum physics? I would love for those rules to apply to me!). Anyway, I'm getting really off topic. What I was saying is Einstein once said "I'd like to think the moon is there whether I see it or not" one time. So Einstein and what he believed in was totally against Nietzsche and existentialism.
Also, while reading Nietzsche, I find it interesting how occasionally several philosopher's collide on an opinion, like objectivism and existentialism have a couple (very few I know but still) similar beliefs, also Kant, even though he seems opposite Rand. Speaking of Ayn Rand I got my essay-winning money in the mail and was happy. :-)
Well, okay, I'm done droning on about philosophy and quantum physics... I think that my beliefs are a bizarre mix of Christianity, existentialism, and objectivism. Don't seem combinable, but they work for me.
I've been plowing through Nietzsche. I think it's really interesting... so far I've discovered he doesn't believe in morals, his philosophies are totally anti-moral, he believes Christianity is anti-life. He believes the world is subjective (like I was going on about at the beginning of this blog) and how science (along with religion) is a means by which to avoid truth. He believes optimism was actually born out of affliction, and pessimism is a good thing of being full of life.
Mostly I've realized Einstein and him would not get along. Einstein believed in concrete, universal facts that worked on everything for everyone, very anti-existentialism. There's this phenomenon that on a quantum level this can obstruct themselves. When photons are shone through a slit, bars show up, meaning some photons hit something, but what? Only answer is themselves. So some scientists said that there's an infinite amount of universes out there, and all the possibilities of placements of the object are occurring in all the universes. Some scientists say (this Copenhagen guy started it) the object has no position until someone sees it, which sort of goes in line with existentialism. This new guy based a theory on Einstein's ideas that any object warps the gravitational field around it, and says that for a really small amount of time (the smaller the object, the longer the time) the object wobbles until the energy required to maintain separate gravity fields makes it become fixed. They haven't proved that yet but they're working on it. Orthodox quantum mechanics says that an object does several things at once, interfering with itself finally to show no change, so it is not determinable which way the object went (see why I love quantum physics? I would love for those rules to apply to me!). Anyway, I'm getting really off topic. What I was saying is Einstein once said "I'd like to think the moon is there whether I see it or not" one time. So Einstein and what he believed in was totally against Nietzsche and existentialism.
Also, while reading Nietzsche, I find it interesting how occasionally several philosopher's collide on an opinion, like objectivism and existentialism have a couple (very few I know but still) similar beliefs, also Kant, even though he seems opposite Rand. Speaking of Ayn Rand I got my essay-winning money in the mail and was happy. :-)
Well, okay, I'm done droning on about philosophy and quantum physics... I think that my beliefs are a bizarre mix of Christianity, existentialism, and objectivism. Don't seem combinable, but they work for me.
book list
Well blogger was not cooperating this morning, so I have this random post... I just went to the library it was cool except I saw some people I knew there so I was slinking around...
Books I got:
Locke's Philosophical Works
Kant- Critique of Practical Reason
Nietzsche as a Philosopher
Basic Writings of Nietzsche
Aristotle for Everybody
A Separate Peace
A Tree Grows in Brooklyn
and Crack, this book about a high school girl who starts doing crack. I know it's rather random compared to my classics and philosophy books, but I've always been fascinated by drugs, considering what my brother did. The philosophy ones look really interesting... I don't think I'll read them all cover to cover, but I want to get the main ideas from them. I wanted to get William James and Ayn Rand too, but I couldn't find it and didn't feel like asking...
My IM quote right now is "believe that life is worth living and your belief will help create the fact" or something like that.
Books I got:
Locke's Philosophical Works
Kant- Critique of Practical Reason
Nietzsche as a Philosopher
Basic Writings of Nietzsche
Aristotle for Everybody
A Separate Peace
A Tree Grows in Brooklyn
and Crack, this book about a high school girl who starts doing crack. I know it's rather random compared to my classics and philosophy books, but I've always been fascinated by drugs, considering what my brother did. The philosophy ones look really interesting... I don't think I'll read them all cover to cover, but I want to get the main ideas from them. I wanted to get William James and Ayn Rand too, but I couldn't find it and didn't feel like asking...
My IM quote right now is "believe that life is worth living and your belief will help create the fact" or something like that.
arachnaphobia
I have a new blog thing, because all my friends are at this other site... nobody seems to know about it yet, but here's the address: http://www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=peacefreak77 so you should go to it sometime...
I opened up my Discover magazine for the month (but I'm getting behind, I haven't even read August's yet, I got really caught up in the string theory and how photons interfere with themselves, and had a random, brief, violent phase of quantum physics madness, because quantum and astrophysics are awesome) and there was this article on hobo spiders. And my best friend's mom has been telling us forever those big hairy things we find all over are hobo spiders, and that they are poisonous... one time she had this bite on her leg, and it looked really gross, like a pit of dead tissue or something. So I read the article, and they had a map of where hobo spiders live, and we are in the boundaries (it's western Montana, Idaho, Washington, and Oregon. Then I looked at a picture, and grabbed these sticky mouse trap things we use to catch spiders in our house (but more often they catch me, and leave me screaming my head off because my foot is stuck to the trap a centimeter away from some huge, hairy spider), and looked in a magnifying glass, and sure enough they were hobo spiders.
Really comforting, huh?
http://www.discover.com/issues/sep-05/features/bite-of-the-hobo-spider/
Yesterday I went out with a bunch of people, drove around, played shoe, nearly ran our brand new yukon SUV into a house and a fence (those things are hard to turn around in, especially in places where my Ford escort can't even turn around... I had to keep getting out of the car and inching forward/back so I wouldn't smash into something). Kyrstin left the clue of where she had her first kiss, and Siobhan knew where that was, and I asked her about it and she said it's a great place to stargaze, so I'm going to drag Matt there tonight... hopefully I won't drone on about the constellations, stars, Perseids, and how awesomely close Mars is getting. Other people don't seem to be nearly as interested in astronomy as me... in fact other people don't seem to be nearly as interesting in anything as me, except history, Matt's way more interested in that, and geography. But I am unnaturally interested in physics, biology, chemistry, calculus, and English.
Oh well, someday it'll be good to be smart and people won't think I'm a freak because I read astronomy books and science magazines and philosophy in my free time.
I opened up my Discover magazine for the month (but I'm getting behind, I haven't even read August's yet, I got really caught up in the string theory and how photons interfere with themselves, and had a random, brief, violent phase of quantum physics madness, because quantum and astrophysics are awesome) and there was this article on hobo spiders. And my best friend's mom has been telling us forever those big hairy things we find all over are hobo spiders, and that they are poisonous... one time she had this bite on her leg, and it looked really gross, like a pit of dead tissue or something. So I read the article, and they had a map of where hobo spiders live, and we are in the boundaries (it's western Montana, Idaho, Washington, and Oregon. Then I looked at a picture, and grabbed these sticky mouse trap things we use to catch spiders in our house (but more often they catch me, and leave me screaming my head off because my foot is stuck to the trap a centimeter away from some huge, hairy spider), and looked in a magnifying glass, and sure enough they were hobo spiders.
Really comforting, huh?
http://www.discover.com/issues/sep-05/features/bite-of-the-hobo-spider/
Yesterday I went out with a bunch of people, drove around, played shoe, nearly ran our brand new yukon SUV into a house and a fence (those things are hard to turn around in, especially in places where my Ford escort can't even turn around... I had to keep getting out of the car and inching forward/back so I wouldn't smash into something). Kyrstin left the clue of where she had her first kiss, and Siobhan knew where that was, and I asked her about it and she said it's a great place to stargaze, so I'm going to drag Matt there tonight... hopefully I won't drone on about the constellations, stars, Perseids, and how awesomely close Mars is getting. Other people don't seem to be nearly as interested in astronomy as me... in fact other people don't seem to be nearly as interesting in anything as me, except history, Matt's way more interested in that, and geography. But I am unnaturally interested in physics, biology, chemistry, calculus, and English.
Oh well, someday it'll be good to be smart and people won't think I'm a freak because I read astronomy books and science magazines and philosophy in my free time.
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